Page 18 of Wed By the Lumberjack

I want this woman so fucking bad it hurts. But I can’t take advantage of her. I messed up by lying about my identity and I doubly messed up when I didn’t come clean during our meeting with Buckee or when we got home.

But the doctor had pulled me aside for a long conversation after Dixie’s discharge with stern and crystal clear instructions. She said that Dixie was having trouble not just remembering her recent past, but most of it, indicating that there was a lot more trauma than just the car accident.

For now, it seemed Dixie had a slight overlap of amnesias and we just needed to monitor her closely. She also reiterated how important it is not to stress Dixie out by adding to her confusion or by trying to force her to remember her past. I could try to encourage her with gentle reminders, however, like with scents, sounds, or sights. I took the doctor’s words to heart.

I am responsible for Dixie’s safety because she can’t be responsible for herself right now. I need to keep her calm and by my side. If I tell her the truth about my identity now, she’d storm out, and without a single memory, she could put herself in even more danger. More danger than what she’s already running from.

Until we figure out the truth, there’s no way I’m letting her out of my sight, and even then... I don’t think I can let Dixie go without a fight.

I feel safe with you. Protected.

Her words were like music to my ears. She feels safe with me and I feel this inexplicable, primal desire to protect her. Not as a friend this time, but as my woman, my family. And that means protecting her from myself too.

No matter how badly I want to taste her, I can’t take advantage of her. She’d hate me. I’d hate me. And her hating me now is a lot better than her despising me later.

But there’s nothing wrong with holding her, and once I give in and do so, she stops squirming, settling against my chest like it’s where she belongs.

***

“Are you ready to go?” I ask Dixie the next morning as she puts on her coat and tosses her long dark hair from the collar.

“Yup,” she says curtly.

Despite her annoyance with me, I reach for the buttons on her coat and fasten them all the way up to her chin. She’s been avoiding my gaze since breakfast, and the silence between us is deafening.

I know she’s confused. Hurt. How could I assure her that I want her whilst thwarting her advances at the same time? She thinks I’m her husband; it’s only natural that she wants to be comforted intimately, and I’ve rejected her.

I sigh. This is precisely how and why lies snowball.

“By the time we get there, it’ll be around lunchtime,” I say after I help her get her boots on. “My cousins are coming over to grill as a small welcome back party for Buckee. You met Ash, Kai, and Cole when we were still kids. Maybe seeing their faces may spark a memory.”

I sure hope so anyway. The faster the truth comes out, the better.

She nods but doesn’t say anything as we head outside to Goldie. Cole’s still letting me use her while Pearl’s down at my buddy, Niki’s, mechanic shop. Thankfully the damage can be repaired.

Opening the truck’s door, I help Dixie climb up. Her limp as she does so tugs at my heart. I’m sure it still hurts despite the painkiller I gave her this morning.

We make it thirty-six minutes into the drive before I can’t take the silence anymore. It’s more than just a lack of sound; it’s the distance that’s stretching between us.

After all this time apart, and all this time wondering what happened to my best friend, I can’t bear any more distance.

Desperate to reestablish a connection, I put my hand on her thigh and surprisingly she doesn’t shove me away. Five minutes pass before she takes it in hers, and soon she’s lacing our fingers together. From that moment on, the silence is comfortable.

“Isn’t the smoke bad for Buckee’s lungs?” Dixie asks finally when we bank a big bend twenty minutes later. “You said he suffered from chronic pneumonia.”

I smile. “The ranch is huge. We’ll grill far away from his house and bring it over. Barbecue has always been his favorite type of food so I know it’ll make him happy after days of bland hospital dishes.”

“Since Buckee’s cabin is so close to the treehouse, does that mean I’ve visited his home before? He did seem to recognize me from a long time ago.”

My smile deepens. “Oh yeah. You, me, Ash, Cole, and Kai, became something of the five musketeers.”

“I know you said I met them when we were kids, but I didn’t know we were friends or super close.”

I nod. “We were practically inseparable for two summers. In fact, I’m pretty sure there are some old Polaroids hanging around the treehouse from our meetings. I haven’t been there in ages, and it’s pretty much like a time capsule, frozen with a nineties grunge aesthetic. We all decided to leave it as is until we have kids of our own to take it over.”

“Do any of your cousins have kids?”

I shake my head. “No.”

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