Understood.
Changing him to past tense over and over again.
Accepting it
over
and over
and over again.
I can’t.
I just can’t.
Feeling numb, I walk across the room and pick up my phone. I untangle my charge cord and plug it into the wall. I watch the battery icon flash on the screen, waiting for it to get enough power to turn on.
I don’t know how long I stand there watching it. Everything around me fades into a blur of I don’t give a shit. Blips of insignificant moments passing, silent and senseless.
I wonder if that’s how the rest of my life will feel.
At last, my phone powers on, and I decide to find out what is real—once and for all. I call Adam one last time and bring the phone to my ear to listen to it ring…
And ring…
And—
Someone picks up.
“Orca?” I say, my heart thudding. “Are you all right? I tried calling you last night, but you didn’t answer.”
A long moment of silence, then:
“Yeah, Orca’s fine. She’s right here. Do you want to talk to her?”
No way.
No.
Damn.
Way.
My heart does a backflip and drops through the bottom of my stomach. “Adam?”
“Hey, little brother.”
My knees buckle, and I crash to the floor, dropping my phone. I scramble to pick it up again, barely breathing. The room is spinning. Am I dreaming? I’m dreaming… I have to be dreaming—
“Adam!” I scream into the phone, my hands shaking uncontrollably. “You’re alive!? You’re alive!?”
He laughs like a superhero. “Yes. I’m alive, Jack.”
I lose it. I crumple into the fetal position and let myself sob, pressing my forehead to the floor. My body convulsing, I cry harder than I’ve ever cried in my life.
Before I know it, I’m gasping for air like a drowning man, and Adam is saying, “Hey. Hey, breathe, Jack. Breathe. It’s okay. Breathe.”
He makes it sound so easy. But I haven’t been able to breathe for a week.