Page 31 of Meet Me In Central Park

‘Merry Christmas to you, too.’

‘Oh shoot!’ Jessica looked at her watch and widened her eyes. ‘I promised Brad I’d pick a pie up from the deli and they’re about to close. I know you are too, but if I run, could I leave Mom to look at the decorations? I’m getting better at manoeuvring the chair, but the snow’s starting up again and it’s so lovely in here. I promise I’ll be real quick.’

She looked embarrassed at having to ask and guilty at needing to leave her mum, even for a few minutes, but I knew how busy it would be outside with last-minute shoppers crowding the sidewalk. ‘Of course! It’ll be nice to have the company while I close up.’

‘That’s right.’ Blanche smiled. ‘And no one should be alone on Christmas Eve.’

‘Thanks so much.’ Jessica was out of the door in a flash, but her mother’s words had hit me unexpectedly, and an image of the churchyard back in Canterbury suddenly flitted into my mind. No one should be alone on Christmas Eve. The guilt that had plagued me for so long, felt as if it was creeping up my spine. I just had to shake it off, focus on all the good memories, and the here and now. Christmas Eve was one of those days that was bound to be extra tough, when you missed someone the way I missed Mum and Dad.

‘It was so kind of you to give Jessie the snow globe.’ Blanche had such a kind face and, despite her obvious frailty, her eyes lit up every time she smiled.

‘It was an absolute pleasure. I think they’re the best thing we sell in the shop.’

‘I reckon you might be right, and I know she’ll be thinking of me every time she looks at it, when I’m not here any more.’ There wasn’t a hint of self-pity in Blanche’s voice. ‘We got to make so many memories on this trip. I know she’ll be thinking of them every Christmas from now on too, and that gives me so much comfort. My pastor always says that a person dies twice. Once when their heart stops beating and once when they’re forgotten. But they don’t truly die at all until that second time, you see? And I know I won’t really be gone all the time Jessie remembers me and does the things we used to do together.’

‘I’m sure she always will.’ I could have said so much more, but I was almost choking on the words. I’d been so busy focusing on the here and now that I hadn’t even made arrangements to fly home for New Year, to be at my grandparents’ party, or to be with Mum and Dad for our New Year’s Day tradition. They might have told me to stay on in New York, but I had no idea how many more years I’d have with Nan and Granddad, and I didn’t want to miss the chance to make a single memory. I could tell myself that Christmas Eve was just making me maudlin and, despite Blanche’s words, not being with my parents over Christmas didn’t feel nearly as much of a betrayal as missing out on our tradition of spending New Year’s Day together. I needed to call the airline before I even thought about going to meet Harry.

By the time Jessica came hurtling back through the door less than five minutes after she’d left, I’d already put the call through and had my mobile on speaker phone, while I waited in the queue to speak to someone from customer service. Thankfully the on-hold music was a medley of festive songs, so I’d been able to keep chatting to Blanche and pretend it was all part of the Christmas Eve experience in Candy Cane Lane. She’d told me how she hoped to live long enough to become a grandma, and the lump that had already formed in my throat had become a boulder.

‘Thank you so much for that.’ Jessica hugged me like we were old friends and then Blanche took hold of my hand, as they went to leave.

‘I hope you’re spending the holidays with the people who mean the most to you.’

The boulder in my throat was getting bigger by the second and it was a miracle that I managed to say anything at all. ‘Thank you, have a wonderful Christmas.’ I pulled the bolt across the top of the shop door as soon as they left and turned to lean against it. Jessica hadn’t thought twice about giving up her honeymoon to spend three weeks in New York with her mum and dad, but I hadn’t even been able to make time to arrange a new flight to make sure I was home for New Year. I’d got completely caught up in my life in Manhattan, and it had felt so good not to be dwelling on the past for once, but I suddenly felt pulled in two directions. My new friends meant a lot to me, and most of all New York was where Harry was. But there were still four people back home who mattered just as much to me as he did, and if I couldn’t get home for New Year, I’d be letting them all down.

‘Good afternoon, this is Jenna speaking. How may I be of assistance?’ As I finally reached the front of the queue for the airline call centre, I snatched up my phone.

‘Oh hi, I was supposed to be on a flight out of JFK to Heathrow tonight, but I was wondering if I could change my flight for some time after Christmas, but before New Year’s Eve.’

‘I’m really sorry, but it’s too late to transfer a flight scheduled for today.’

‘Of course, that’s fine.’ I didn’t care about losing the money for my original flight. All I wanted was to make sure I could get home in time for New Year. ‘It doesn’t matter about transferring it, but can I book a new one to get home in time for the thirty-first?’

‘Let me just check that for you. Is it just the one seat?’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘Okay great, I’ll just put you back on hold for a few moments.’ The festive tunes filled the silence, and it felt like I was holding my breath as I waited for Jenna to come back on the line. ‘I’m so sorry we don’t have any guaranteed seats available until January second. You can try other airlines, but as we have the most flights on that route it’s very unlikely you’ll find a seat. You can come to the airport and try to get a seat on standby, if someone else cancels at the last minute. It’s usually okay if you’re just looking for a single seat, but we still can’t guarantee it.’

‘So, there’s no way of making sure I’ll definitely get a flight home in time for New Year?’ I knew it was busy in the holidays and that there were fewer flights scheduled, but I’d been so certain I could still get home.

‘Like I say, there’s a good chance you’ll get a standby seat, but the only way to guarantee getting home before New Year is to take your scheduled flight tonight.’

As I ended the call, I couldn’t blink back the tears any longer. As much as I wanted to spend Christmas with Harry, Blanche’s words were ringing in my ears, and I couldn’t stay if it meant forgetting the most important tradition my parents and I had shared. I’d spent almost two years feeling partly responsible for them dying the first time around, and there was no way I was going to be responsible for them dying a second time, in the way Blanche had described. Catching my original flight was going to be incredibly tight, and the fact it meant I’d have no chance to explain things to Harry face to face was breaking my heart. He’d probably never forgive me for standing him up on Christmas Eve and I was going to find it really hard to forgive myself. But I knew I’d never get over standing my parents up on New Year’s Day and, in the end, there was really only one choice.

* * *

There wasn’t going to be any romantic trip up the Empire State Building, and I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t believe what I was choosing to give up.

‘You’re joking, right?’ I could imagine the look on Paula’s face just from the tone of her voice. ‘You want me to tell Harry you aren’t meeting him tonight, and that you’ll be on a flight to London instead?’

‘I know it’s a lot to ask. But I want to make him understand that it isn’t him, it’s me, and I don’t think he’ll be able to hear it if I say it.’

‘That’s the world’s worst cliché, don’t you think? It’s not you, it’s me.’

‘Usually it is. But just this once, it’s true. I love… I love everything about Harry.’ I couldn’t bring myself to say I loved him. Even though I was certain now that I did, despite having known him for less than two months. If I was going to say those words for the first time, I’d want to say them to him, not someone else. But now I’d probably never get the chance. ‘I can’t stay, though. I thought I could, but I just can’t.’

‘And nothing I say will make any difference, I suppose?’

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