Page 20 of Meet Me In Central Park

‘Me neither. Not yet anyway.’ Harry put a hand under my chin, forcing me to look up at him, but the vulnerability that came with being able to really feel things again was suddenly terrifying.

‘You don’t have to say that. This is… we’re not…’ I couldn’t finish the sentence, because despite the urge to protect myself, it was impossible to pass this off as nothing.

‘I’m not saying anything because I think I have to. I don’t know what this is, but I know what I’d want it to be if you were staying. You might not believe me, but I’ve never felt as though I’ve known someone from before I even met them, the way I did with you.’ Harry smiled. ‘God, that sounds like a line from a song. Hell, it might even be a line from a song for all I know, but that doesn’t make it any less true.’

‘If I was staying, I might even tell you that I feel the same way.’ It was as close as I could bear to get to confessing the truth. ‘But I can’t stay, and sometimes not saying things can be for the best. It makes the goodbyes easier.’

‘I can’t see anything making the goodbyes easier for me, but I don’t want to think about that right now. You promised me the whole day, remember?’

‘I did and I don’t want to forget a single second of it.’ Leaning into Harry, I tried to focus on the here and now, looking up at the lights on the tree in front of me, instead of already starting to picture the moment I’d walk away from him for the final time. Mum and Dad would have loved the tree so much. They’d run a landscaping business together, which they’d finally started a year or so before they’d died, and the pinnacle of my dad’s dream was to set up a Christmas tree farm. He’d had his eye on the perfect piece of land, which he’d said he was going to make an offer on, as soon as they had enough money from the business. They’d worked such long hours to make it a success, and it was another reason I’d so wanted them to have the break in New York. Central Park would have been like heaven to them, too. That same thought was what had made me dissolve into tears the first time I’d seen Harry in the park, but I didn’t feel like crying for what they were missing on this trip any more. Somewhere along the line, I’d realised it was Mum who’d been guiding me since I got to the city. We’d spoken countless times about the things she was going to do when she and Dad finally got to visit, and it was following her plan that meant I’d got to see so much of the city in my time off from the shop. I still wished she could have been there with me, but now I could see how happy both my parents were right up until the end. They’d found someone they adored in one another, and I’d always known that raising me was the thing that had made them happiest of all. They’d been able to set up their dream business and they’d had so much fun planning the trip to New York. Grant Bailey had taken away their lives, but I couldn’t let him take away everything that had gone before. And I wasn’t going to let him take away the time I had left in New York either.

I turned to Harry and he pulled me towards him. I had a feeling that the more I knew about him, the harder it would be to walk away when the time came, but I still wanted to find out as much as I could before it was too late. ‘Is this your favourite place at Christmas, then?’

‘No, I love it, but Central Park has always been my favourite place, whatever time of year. And now that it’s the place I met you, it’s going to be even more special.’

I leant my head against his shoulder, allowing myself another moment that I’d lock into my memory. The couple in front of us were still having photographs taken and quite a crowd had gathered, some of them taking pictures of their own. It was strange to think that this couple might be appearing in other people’s social media posts.

‘I’m not sure I’d want to pose for photos with this many people looking at me.’ I pulled away from Harry. ‘Not that I’ll ever get married.’

‘Never?’ Harry eyes were searching my face again. It might seem like an unusual conversation to be having on our first proper date, but then my encounters with Harry had never quite worked out how I would have planned.

‘I couldn’t get married without my parents there.’

‘That must be tough, but don’t you think they will be there?’ Harry’s eyes met mine again and it was like he could read my mind, because the exact same thought had popped into my head the moment I’d given him my reason for not wanting to get married. Up until a month ago, I’d have been certain I could never have a wedding without Mum and Dad there, but Harry was right. They’d been with me the whole time I was here and they would continue to be, wherever I was and whatever I did.

‘Now that I think about it, you’re right, but until I came here I couldn’t see that. It’s hard for me to imagine myself as a bride, though, maybe because no one’s ever come close to asking me!’ It was my turn to laugh. ‘I don’t think it’s crossed anyone’s mind to think of me that way either. I’ve always been less of a Miss Right, and more of a Miss Right Now.’

‘I find that hard to believe.’ Harry turned away from me, so I couldn’t see the look on his face. That was the trouble with playing make-believe, it turned out that you couldn’t do it, even for a day, unless you wanted to avoid talking about the future altogether. Explaining that I couldn’t take things between us any further because my days in New York were numbered was the easy part. After all, distance was a tangible barrier, and there was clear logic as to why a relationship where the couple lived three and a half thousand miles apart might not work. Telling him that I couldn’t imagine starting a real relationship with him, even if we lived in the same city, would be a lot harder for him to understand. But I knew better than anyone that loving someone came with a price. Yet, even as I thought it, I realised that Harry was the only person I’d met since my parents’ death who I’d even have considered paying that price for. I didn’t want him to know that though, so it was far easier to go back to my default habit and change the subject altogether.

‘Do you think your nephews will be happy with the toys you chose for them?’ I could barely remember what he’d ordered. There’d been so many people in the store – moving around the toy department had been like riding a wave – but somehow Harry had found the things he’d needed and arranged for them to be shipped straight to his sister’s house. The window displays in Macy’s and the other big stores, like Saks and Bloomingdale's, were stunning. I wondered what Harry would think if he saw the huge foil decorations that would be hanging from the ceiling at the pub back home. Nan must have had them since before I was born, and I spent the whole of December weaving in and out them to avoid getting static shock in my hair. They were tacky, but looking in the window of Macy’s, I suddenly missed them.

Grand Central Station had been beautiful too. The ceilings making it feel as though we were standing under a night sky, and there was a choir singing carols at the top of one of the staircases as we passed through. I couldn’t help wondering if everyone was as happy as they looked, or if there were other people, like me, just trying to have one perfect day and desperately trying to avoid thinking about what the New Year might bring. There was every chance it would be the year when Grant Bailey was released for good.

‘The toys were all on the very long lists they compiled, so I think I might qualify for a good uncle award this year.’ Harry frowned. ‘Although, according to my sister, I actually have to spend Christmas Day with them to even get on the shortlist.’

‘You should book your flight.’

‘There’s no hurry.’ Harry looked at his watch. ‘Although we are going to have to get going, if we want to make our slot at the ice rink.’ He took my hand in his again, and I followed him reluctantly. Partly because I didn’t want to leave the tree, but mainly because going back to Central Park was the last thing on our list, and I didn’t want the day to end.

As we walked past the wedding party, the bride was being photographed with two people, who I assumed were her parents. The older woman was in a wheelchair, and the bride sat on the armrest of it, with her arm around her mother’s shoulders, and her father holding her around the waist. I caught the bride’s eye, as we walked right behind the photographer, and smiled. I hope she realised how lucky she was and took every chance she could to make memories with her parents. I’d be forever thankful that I’d somehow had the foresight to do that, and I was also incredibly grateful for the time I’d spent in New York, which had allowed me to see just how precious those memories were.

* * *

‘You’re not as bad at this as you made out.’ Harry was gliding across the ice on the rink in Central Park, with me clinging to his arm like a giant koala bear. I must have laid it on pretty thick if this was better than he’d expected.

‘If you let go of me, I’ll be on my bum in all of about five seconds.’

‘I won’t ever let go of you, I promise.’ I stared down at the ice as Harry spoke. He didn’t seem to be the sort to say things he didn’t mean, but I’d be gone soon and it could just have been his way of trying to get me into bed. Although he didn’t seem like the sort of person to employ that kind of manipulation either and, however rubbish I might be at skating, I wasn’t naïve enough to fall for a line designed to get me naked. But maybe I could be the sort of girl who’d say yes to spending the night with Harry, knowing it would be a one-time thing, just this once. I might regret it if I did, especially if it made saying goodbye even harder. But I had a feeling I’d regret it even more if I didn’t.

The earlier snowfall had settled, and every hour or so, there’d be another heavy flurry. I couldn’t remember ever having a white Christmas, and that was another pull to stay in New York. Harry had asked me to stay, and I knew if I did, he’d make sure I didn’t spend Christmas alone. Dannie and Rob had offered to host me too, and I’d found myself wondering, even as I tried to stay upright on the ice, whether maybe I could delay my return home for just a few days. I’d made so much progress in focusing on the good times with my parents that the idea of actually celebrating Christmas was no longer unthinkable. But if I had the perfect Christmas in New York, I was scared it might make me want to stay even more. I had to go home to spend New Year’s Day with my parents, in the only way I could, and leaving before Christmas felt safer. It had taken me almost two years to feel like I had the right to smile again, and I didn’t want a perfect New York Christmas to ruin that. If nothing back home could compare to that experience, I was terrified it might mean I’d forget how to smile again. I couldn’t risk it, any more than I could risk letting my feelings for Harry deepen even further.

‘Hey, I didn’t know you two were skating as well tonight,’ Rob called out as he and Dannie skated over to us.

‘Harry’s skating, I’m just slowing him down.’

Dannie kissed me on both cheeks and I nearly brought Harry down onto the ice with me as a result.

‘So, how’s it going? Condensing Christmas in New York into a single day?’ Rob had a woolly hat on, with reindeers running around the side, but somehow he still managed to look cool.

---