Page 55 of Through the Wicked Wood

Elora

My words linger in the air as if they are suspended in time, floating aimlessly through the cavern and piercing my heart a hundred times along the way. Sorin says nothing, and because the cave is now so dim, I can hardly make out his face. The faint rush of water is the only sound between us, aside from the steady pumping of my overworked heart.

“Say something,” I whisper through the painful silence.

“What do you mean, exactly?” The softness of his voice sends a shiver down my spine. Is this the calm before his storm? The momentary peace before a certain exile? I take a deep breath and let the memories of that night create a flood through me. All the images I’ve pushed away for so long come rushing back in an aggressive sprint, happy to be free from my constant barricade.

“The night of my Awakening Ceremony, my twentieth birthday, was the heaviest snowfall we’d ever seen on the mountain.” I push down the threat of tears, swallowing thickly before continuing. “We had been safe there for two years. And with the snow, I thought it would be difficult for the hunters to trace us.”

“For two years our small group stayed that way, hidden in the mountains. For two years we made a life for ourselves despite it all. But then, I turned twenty,” I pause, taking a deep breath before forcing myself to continue. “I wanted my magick more than anything. And because we had been unscathed for so long, I insisted we do the Ceremony. Insisted it would not be a risk. I made my mother use the Stones despite her warnings. I may as well have drawn a map and led the hunters straight to us.” My words come faster than my mind can think, a brush of Sorin’s hand against my own steadies me from the darkening spiral that threatens.

“Keep going.” Sorin’s grip on my hand tightens, his voice a soft caress sweeping over my skin.

“Cade and I…” The words fight against me, refusing to be spoken. Using my free hand to grip my chest, the ache of betrayal spreads quickly to my heart. “We were to be married after my Ceremony. We…grew up together in Valebridge. And being on the mountain together, we were all we had.” The gut-wrenching pain it takes to speak his name aloud is one I didn’t expect. A swift kick to the stomach that has me wishing to keel over, as if my body has been slowly poisoned for years and the effects have just now caught up. I draw in a long breath before continuing. “On my Awakening Ceremony night, my mother thought she had a premonition, but she wasn’t feeling like herself. Wasn’t well. I ignored her, I didn’t listen…” The tears flow freely down my face as I recall my mothers’ words to me that night.

“Anything for you, my susi.”

Sorin says nothing as he draws my face into his hands. Doesn’t balk when I meet his eyes. Maybe he’s used to seeing monsters. Maybe, like me, he welcomes them.

“I acted as if I was a spoiled child being told no for the first time that night when she questioned my Ceremony,” I continue, scraping my teeth against my bottom lip. “I thought my mother was just being difficult. I ignored her and decided gaining my own magick was more important than the safety of those I loved. It was my selfish stupidity that led everyone up that mountain. It was my own greed that blinded us from the hunters that met us there.” My knees threaten to buckle, but Sorin is there to catch me before I fall. “If I had listened to her—”

“Then she would likely still be gone.” Sorin’s words leave me baffled.

“What?”

“Whether or not you went up the mountain that night, it sounds like Roman’s hunters were already on your trail. They would have found you one way or another, there was nothing you could have done differently. It was a matter of time.” I try to shake my head, but he grips either side of my face. So, instead, I bite down on my lip. So hard I wince, so I bite harder against the sting. Another small punishment.

“You want to blame yourself, Elora, because you lived. But it is not your fault that you escaped.”

“Except I didn’t escape.” My voice raises and reverberates off the cavern walls, and I hate the way it sounds as it bounces back at me. Pulling free from his grasp, I take a step backward. I have no reason to be upset at Sorin, and I’m not. I am upset with myself. Always, with myself.

“I managed to make it off of Kirsgard because the two people I loved the most put my safety before their own. Because I had no idea how to wield this magick that was suddenly bestowed upon me. And I hate myself because I did not do the same for them. Worse, I didn’t even try.” Throwing my hands up, a broken laugh escapes my lips. “I ran. I turned and ran and now they’re gone and every day I’m haunted by shame because I didn’t fight for them.”

“Cade did everything he could to keep me safe, and I sat there as he was beaten and dragged away like he was nothing. I let fear paralyze me. I am useless and pathetic. And my mother...” I stop, taking a deep breath before I find the courage to speak of her.

“Everyday I wake up and wonder what it’s like not to be plagued by darkness. I wonder how it is not to hear your mothers screams as she slices a blade across her throat to save herself from capture. To wake up from a night’s sleep not drenched in sweat from the terrors that feel so real. So real, that even when I wake I can’t decipher the present from the past.” I brush my hair back from my face. Sorin’s eyes haven’t left me, he stands absolutely still as I continue.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to wake up each day and not know if it’s the day the voices will win? That it may be the day the war is finally lost and the demons take over every last inch of your mind? The final parts of you that you’ve battled to keep whole. Because that is my reality, Sorin. I didn’t get away. I didn’t escape. I live that night over and over again, and I fear I will until the day I’m finally laid to rest. Either by my blade, or another’s.”

Silence.

Deep, deafening silence weighs down on me and for a moment I consider running away from this cavern. Running back through the woods until I find the safety of my cabin where I can spend my remaining years being invisible, just as I always planned. But to run would be to leave him. And as much as it terrifies me, every word he spoke to me earlier matches my own feelings.

“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.” Sorin’s voice is sharp as he closes the distance between us. “I won’t try to tell you how to feel or convince you that you’ve done no wrong. We have all done things we regret in this life. And we are sure to have regrets in the next.” Sorin’s hand grazes my cheek as his other wraps around my waist pulling me tightly to him. “But I will tell you this. That even with all you’ve said…with every dark part of your mind and past exposed, I still choose you. Monster or not.”

I drink his words in. Letting them wrap around me as they caress every inch of my blackened soul. They seep into the darkest parts of me, the parts I closed off a long time ago. Though his words are not enough to heal the most broken parts of myself, maybe letting him choose me is a start. Letting myself choose him, a new beginning.

“Thank you,” I whisper against his mouth before kissing him. Heavy arms wrap around me and I sink into their weight. Resting my head on Sorin’s chest, the steady rhythm of his heart is the greatest reminder of what life can bring when you aren’t stuck in the shadows of your past.

* * *

I’m not sure how long we stand that way, embracing each other in the faint light of the cavern. My secrets spilled upon the ground. The burden of their weight lifted ever so slightly. Then, Sorin loosens his grip around my middle, and I peer up at him.

“Dance with me,” he says, not quite a question.

“Here?”

“Why not?” He shrugs, glancing around.

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