Page 36 of What Comes After

Whether or not he knew what I’d just said to be the truth before I even said it was unknown, and I hated the look I put on his face in saying it. But I had to do it. Not just for myself, but for Theo, too.

He was the kind of guy who’d stress himself out over the fact that he couldn’t make it back with the frequency I knew he wanted to promise, and I didn’t want that for him. I wanted him to go on, live his dreams, and be successful. I wanted the very best for him, even if it meant I had to torture myself by letting go of him in the process.

It didn’t mean that I didn’t want him in my life.

Quite the opposite, actually.

But I wouldn’t be that selfish. I wouldn’t allow him to take himself away from doing the one thing he’d wanted to do for as long as I could remember.

Obviously, I’d hated the mere thought of being so far away from him. Ever since he’d told me about the audition and the move, I felt like I’d been walking around with a heaviness in my chest. An ache that would never be eased. A hole that would never be filled.

It was excruciating.

There was no question I understood devastation and loss. It hadn’t even been a full year since I experienced the worst kind of loss.

But somehow, the devastation I suffered when I lost my parents didn’t compare to this. What I felt didn’t make their loss any less painful. I still had days that had me struggling to want to get out of bed when I thought about them, or when a special occasion arose.

This was different.

Losing Theo like this felt like an even greater loss.

Because he would still be here on Earth, living and breathing, and he wouldn’t be with me. If ever I’d felt a moment of regret, this was it.

There was so much I should have done differently, so many things I should have said before we arrived at that point.

I couldn’t do it now, though. Not when he was going to walk out that door at any minute, leaving me behind and changing our lives forever.

It’d only cause us both more heartache.

I couldn’t do that to myself.

I couldn’t do that to him.

But in a cruel twist of fate I hadn’t been anticipating, Theo did something awful next. While I was struggling, wondering how I’d survive without him and wishing I’d done something different a long time ago, knowing I’d have to keep all that I felt about him to myself, Theo didn’t seem to be feeling as noble.

“I have to do something,” he said.

“What do you mean?” I asked, feeling curious.

A knock came at my front door, pulling Theo out of his intense focus on my face. He twisted his neck in the opposite direction, looked back, and saw his mom there.

Her eyes focused on her son, and she said, “We’re ready when you are.”

With a nod, he replied, “I’ll be right there.”

Mary gave us both one last look and departed, leaving us alone once again.

Theo returned his attention to me, his eyes searching my face.

“What did you need to do?” I asked.

Theo had one hand resting gently on my hip and the other on top of my shoulder. At my question, he took a step closer and lifted his hand that had been on my shoulder to the side of my face.

The back of his pointer finger stroked gently down my cheek, the tenderest of touches he’d ever bestowed upon me.

“I can’t leave here without doing this just one time.”

His voice was just barely a touch over a whisper, and I was so distracted by the feel of his finger on my face and the confusion I was experiencing over the words he said that I never saw it coming.

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