Page 92 of Fabulous Filthy Friend

It’s a short, cheap flight to Vegas, so it shouldn’t be a problem, assuming we are talking by then. Though even if we aren’t, I would likely still go to see Jameson and Bash and everyone else. It would probably ease some of that lingering homesickness that’s been plaguing me. “I’ll let you know as soon as I can.”

“Okay. Don’t forget that sometimes you need to play dirty to win.”

“This isn’t a hockey game, Bash. It’s my life.”

“I know that. But there are a lot of ways to play dirty while keeping yourself clean. Figure it out and see if it helps you fix things with Flynn.”

At this point, it feels like nothing can fix us.

22

FLYNN

I pull the rental car into the familiar parking lot and turn off the engine, but I don’t get out right away. Not just because of the light drizzle falling, but because I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here. I don’t know what answers I think I’m going to find or what help I think I might get.

But after I woke up this morning, got the rental car, and went to work, all I could think about—besides how badly I fucked things up with Rachel—was coming here to talk to the man who was never around to see me become one.

It’s crazy to talk to a headstone. To act like Dad’s here and can understand me and actually offer advice. But the few times in my life I have desperately needed solace, this is where I’ve always wound up.

Mom tends to go to church when she’s feeling lost. She seeks peace in the house of the Lord. On her knees praying for help from Him. It gives her what she needs, but that building and praying to the Heavenly Father has always been her thing.

I come to Dad.

It’s been years since I’ve been here, though. Things have been good, mostly because I had Rachel next door to be my sounding board. And though my return was inevitable at some point, I just hadn’t anticipated it being because of Rachel.

She has become my solace. My safe place. The one person in the world I thought I would never lose.

How quickly things can change.

For those two days, it felt like everything had finally come together. That life was finally giving me the things I’ve hoped and prayed for. Then it was ripped away in an instant when we both said words we can’t take back.

I pull the hood of my raincoat up over my head and step out of the car. The cool drops send a shiver through me, but I push past it and make my way across the wet, green lawn, weaving through headstones until coming to a stop in front of a familiar one.

Niall William McAllister

Beloved Husband and Father.

I can’t even look at the date, and I don’t need to. The exact minute Mom told me he was dead is etched into my memory so deeply, I could never forget it. I had known something was wrong when she showed up in the middle of the day at my school, but I never imagined that Dad was gone. It was an inconceivable as losing Rachel.

An icy cold gust of frigid air hits me, and I pull the jacket tighter against my body.

My eyes water and burn, but not because of the wind.

God, I fucking hate to cry.

For so many years after he died, I refused to. Fought it tooth and nail. Acted tough, like it didn’t get to me that he wasn’t there at every basketball game, graduation, birthday. I fought acknowledging his absence as much as Mom couldn’t stop thinking about it. It broke her, and I wouldn’t let his death break me, too. But now a woman might do it.

Not just a woman.

The woman.

The only one I’ll ever want or love.

I stand staring down at his final resting place, letting the water drip off the plastic raincoat and down my exposed hands. “Hey, Dad. Sorry it’s been a while. I wasn’t sure where else to go.”

With a sigh, I scan the deserted cemetery. Today’s finicky weather is keeping away anyone who might usually be here. And I’m fine with that. I don’t need an audience for this.

“You remember me telling you about Rachel a couple of years ago? Well”—I run a hand over the scruff covering my jaw because I didn’t even bother to shave this morning—“I’ve fucked things up with her royally. I thought I had been doing such a good job living my life and hiding how I felt about her, but things eventually came to a head. And Christ, Dad, they were good so fucking good for a minute. But it all crashed down just as fast as we found it.”

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