Page 88 of Fabulous Filthy Friend

Her bottom lip quivers. “Except I’m your best friend. Or…I thought I was. I thought we told each other everything.”

Fuck.

I knew she would read too much into this. Things were too easy. Too happy. There’s no way that could last. Not even through an entire damn weekend, apparently.

“I know, Rach. And I’m sorry. When I found the paint on my car, I realized it might be connected to the site. And then I really couldn’t tell you because…” I trail off and let her fill in the blanks because she knows exactly what I mean without me having to say the words.

Tears shimmer in her eyes, the pooling liquid like acid eating away at my heart. “Because you didn’t think I would understand and thought I would judge you.”

I nod slowly, admitting what I now know was stupid. “I did everything I could to make sure the site was secure. I still don’t know how anyone could possibly have figured out who I am, especially if you couldn’t.”

The tiniest grin pulls at her lips even though she tries to fight it. “Because I was intentionally trying not to notice certain things about you. Certain things I was attracted to.”

“I know.”

“But this is my point, Flynn. The site…I understand it might have been fun and you enjoy doing it, but it’s dangerous. Not only might you have obsessed fans like this, but what if, God forbid, your mother found out.”

I release her and step back to run a hand through my hair. “You think I haven’t considered that? That’s why I went through so many steps to make sure I was anonymous.”

She fists her hands at her sides, the tension working its way up to her shoulders. “You don’t need to do it anymore, Flynn.”

The other night when she told me I needed to stop being HRD4U, I kind of laughed it off as her being jealous that other women—and men—would be watching me now that we are together. I wasn’t mad because I thought it was kind of cute. Endearing, really. But now, it feels more like she’s trying to dictate how I live my life, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

It’s not cheating on her. I don’t engage in any conversations or webcam sex with anyone…INEEDSOMED being the only time it has ever happened. She can’t blame me for that when it was her. And the viewers on my site have become friends—as weird as that may sound, especially since they pay me. I don’t know that it’s something I want to stop even if I financially can.

I was serious when I said I wanted her on camera with me, that I thought she would find it hot to know people watch us together. It’s hot knowing people watch me solo, knowing they were watching me fuck the woman I love would be beyond incredible.

But it seems I’m not getting any consideration.

All I’m going to get is Rachel’s anger and demands.

“Rach, I don’t want to fight with you about HRD4U. If it weren’t for that damn site, we might never have gotten together.”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “I don’t want to fight, either, but I’m more than just mad, Flynn. I’m hurt.”

And everyone knows that’s ten times worse. Like your parents saying they’re not angry, just disappointed when you fuck up.

I never thought I would hurt Rachel. Never in a million lifetimes. But I already have so much in the last couple of weeks.

She squeezes her eyes shut for a moment and takes a deep breath before opening them and meeting my gaze again. “Even if I didn’t have a problem with you keeping the site active—”

I open my mouth to interject, but she holds up a hand.

“And I’m not saying I do. I’m just…”—she closes her eyes again and shakes her head,—“I don’t know how I feel about it right now. But even if I didn’t have an issue with it, doesn’t this prove to you that this is a bad idea to continue?”

Maybe it should. Maybe I ought to be racing over to my house to shut down the site right now. But something won’t let me do it. HRD4U has become a part of me. A way to be who I can’t be in public. Even with the guilt I’ve recently been feeling about it, and even though I have Rachel now—hopefully still have her after tonight—I don’t know that I can let the other me go so easily.

I rub the back of my neck and sigh. “I don’t know, Rach.”

“Honestly, Flynn, it’s not even about the site, really. Ultimately, it’s about the fact that all this was going on, you were threatened, and you felt like you couldn’t tell me about any of it.”

A vise tightens around my chest. It’s like I can feel her falling away from me, distancing herself and shutting down her heart right in front of me, even though I only just managed to get it open to me.

I close the distance between us again and grab her shoulders again. “How could I without telling you about the site?”

Tears flow down her cheeks now, tiny streams leaving wet lines across her flawless skin. “I guess I thought you had more faith in me. As your friend. That I would love you no matter what you were doing in private or anywhere in your life.”

I snort and shake my head. “That’s hardly fair, Rachel, when you’ve been hiding a big part of you from me, too.”

---