Page 49 of Fabulous Filthy Friend

“I’m trying. I have some things I need to sort through and get over, move on from before I can really take the next step in my life.”

She squeezes my hand and nods. “Just make sure that the next step is in the right direction. And if that direction happens to be toward Rachel”—she shrugs—“so be it.”

A smile tugs at the corner of her lips, and I can’t help but return it. She sees far too much and knows me far too well. She only wants what’s best for me. But what’s best for me and what I can have are two completely different things.

Why does Rachel have to be so selfless and angelic and perfect?

They’re just some of the reasons I love her, but also the things that make anything between us impossible. Someone that sweet and innocent would be horrified by me, by my demands.

She’s a kindergarten teacher, for Christ’s sake…the last thing she wants is a man smacking her ass and plowing into her while talking about how hot and tight her cunt is. Mom may have faith that things will eventually bring us together, but I lost that faith a long time ago.

It’s time I start broadening my horizons and stop being so focused on Rachel. She’ll be my best friend until the day I die, but at some point, I need to stop pushing away every opportunity that’s presented to me.

Rach had a shitty breakup and got back on the horse and let me set her up with Dan. The least I can do is keep my eyes…and heart…open.

* * *

RACHEL

“You did what?” Alicia practically screeches the words at me.

I wince slightly where I sit across the table from her on the outdoor patio at our favorite brunch spot. Telling her about what happened last night after I got home from my date with Dan was a bad idea. The judgment and shock on her face are enough to have regret clawing away at my chest already, but all her talk of sparks becoming flames wouldn’t get out of my head. When I think of flames, I think of someone like HRD4U, not someone like Dan.

“You heard me.”

Her mouth gapes open. “Yeah, I heard you say you’ve been watching some dude jerk off online.”

I glance around us, at the full tables of people enjoying their brunches, but it appears no one heard her comment.

Thank God.

When she says it like that, it sounds creepy. And like she thinks I’m desperate. But men watch porn all the time.

So why, when a woman does it, does it become perverted or weird?

I scowl at her. “Yeah, I have, but I’m not desperate. I was watching some porn, and, well, a pop-up suggested his website, so I thought I’d go take a look. And I discovered this guy, and he’s not creepy at all and seems really nice and cool.”

Alicia rolls her eyes and takes a sip of her mimosa. “Girl, I never said you were desperate. Everyone watches porn, and if they say they don’t, they’re probably lying, so you’re not desperate, but you may be a tad delusional. Any guy who jerks off online and lets people watch is a perverted weirdo. There has to be something wrong with the man. He can’t do that and be normal and ‘nice and cool.’”

Can’t he?

One of the very big reasons I’ve never told her about my proclivities before was the fear she might judge me for them and suddenly be uncomfortable with my teaching Connor, but now the need to defend myself—and other perverted weirdos—rises with my blood pressure.

“I fully admit I’m a pervert for watching it. And I don’t think it’s a bad thing.”

One of her eyebrows rises, and she smirks. “I never said it was a bad thing. I loved my pervert enough to have married him, but he doesn’t jerk off online for rando strangers.”

“True”—I point at her—“but he did bang you in a supply closet. Not much better.”

She collapses into laughter loud enough that it draws the attention of the tables around us. “Sorry!” She holds up a hand to them in apology before turning back to me. “I just don’t want you ignoring the very real guy in front of you for an imaginary one online.”

I bite my lip and peek at the other tables to make sure there aren’t any prying ears before I lean forward slightly. If I’m going to come clean, now is the time to unload all of it. “That’s been part of the problem with these guys I’ve been dating in the first place. They’re all so boring and vanilla. If I told them I liked watching porn and using my vibrator, they would’ve been intimidated and scared and likely run for the hills.”

“So, what? Are you saying you want a guy who will watch porn with you?”

“Hell yeah! And maybe use my vibrator and some other toys on me. And definitely dirty talk during sex. I need the dirty talk.”

Alicia’s jaw drops. “How the hell did I never know this about you? You fucking perv.” A grin spreads her lips. “I love it. And there are plenty of men like that out there in the world. Sounds like what you need is a pervert.”

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