Page 33 of Fabulous Filthy Friend

“Which was what?”

“She asked why she couldn’t find a good guy like me, a nice guy like me. It made me wonder if I really am a nice and good guy doing this.”

The priest sighs again, and through the screen, I can make out his hand rising and falling, almost like he’s issuing a blessing. “My son, even good people do bad things or things that are morally questionable. God forgives all. The first book of John 1:9—‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

“What if I keep doing it?”

“He will continue to forgive you. That’s what God’s love is all about.”

He makes it sound so simple. It’s great that I have God’s love, but it doesn’t get me anywhere near Rachel’s or help relieve any of this guilt. Nor does it offer me any advice on how to deal with my feelings for her.

“There’s more, Father.”

“More?”

The tension in his question tightens my chest. After that reveal, he’s probably expecting something really bad.

“Yes.” I rub at my eyes and sigh. “I was pretty awful to my best friend the other day when she was only trying to help me because she cares.”

“To what do you attribute the negative behavior?”

“Shit.” I scrub a hand over my face. “Crap. I’m sorry, Father. I…I love her. As far more than a friend, and I’m having a hard time reconciling the fact that I can’t be with her.”

“Does she not feel the same way?”

“No, she doesn’t. We’re just friends, and even if she did, if she found out what I’ve been doing, I know I would lose her forever.”

Another silence falls between us, and he shifts and leans toward the mesh screen. “Son, you need to do whatever you can to lighten the load on your soul.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Whatever you think it does.”

Not helpful.

He’s worse than seeing a psychiatrist.

“Father, what’s my penance?”

Maybe ten million Hail Marys or Our Fathers will help. But I doubt it.

* * *

RACHEL

Four days. More than ninety damn agonizing hours since I left Flynn’s car on Sunday. The longest we’ve gone without talking to each other in five years.

And I’m a wreck because of it.

I never realized how much I rely on him for normalcy and comfort. How much his friendship really means to me. I thought I knew, but this has brought my true dependency on him to the forefront. The longer this goes on, the more I miss hearing his voice or him making me laugh.

Even when I had to go back to Michigan to take care of Dad during his final weeks, we spoke or at least texted every day. He was my rock, then, and despite my desire to go apologize and end whatever this is…I’m not sure I can.

How can I apologize for something when I don’t even know what I did?

I can’t.

Trying to find out what upset him so much wasn’t wrong. He was just irritated. Alicia said he needs time to deal with whatever was going on that made him so…not Flynn.

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