Page 17 of Fabulous Filthy Friend

And now, she’s worried about me, too. That whatever I’m holding back from her is going to eat away at me. She might be right. It probably will. It has since the day I realized I was in love with her, and it’s only gotten worse watching her go on date after date with these guys who are all wrong.

But I have to accept the fact that I’m never going to be the guy who’s right. If I don’t do that and make some sort of decision to move on, I’m going to lose her anyway. I’m going to suffer the one thing that I fear the most.

So, I need to find a way to explain this to her. I need to find a way to tell her that whatever is bothering me is in the past. I need to suck it up and make an effort to get back into the dating pool. It’s the only thing I can do.

It’s time for me to move on with my life and help both of us find happiness, even if it can’t be with each other.

5

FLYNN

I crank on the water as hot as it will go. It’s the only thing that might burn away the feeling of guilt after church and coffee today. Over what I’ve done…and for how I treated Rachel.

But she just wouldn’t drop it the entire ride back to the house; it was unbearable. To be trapped in the car with her, smelling her perfume, seeing her lips tremble, hearing the hurt in her voice. And yet, she kept pushing until I broke—it was either tell her I love her or get her to stop talking.

No man is that strong.

Or maybe a better man than I am would be…

I slam my palm against the counter in the bathroom and fire up the laptop while I wait for the water to heat. My shoulders ache with the tension I’ve been carrying around since Mass, and I drop my head and squeeze my eyes shut.

God, I was such a dick to her.

As my fingers tightened on the steering wheel, I was so close to coming clean and telling her how I really feel. Closer than I’ve ever been.

I could have let it slip.

I could have lost her.

My gut churns, sending acid up my throat, and my chest aches. I shake my head.

You didn’t say anything. Everything is fine.

Except I snapped at her. I told her to leave it alone—in a not-so-friendly way.

I’ve never talked to her like that before. I’ve never let myself get so worked up around her. I’ve always hidden how I feel and put our friendship first. But today, everything was just…too much to handle.

Rachel’s almost walking in on me making naked pancakes. The way Christ seemed to judge me from the crucifix. Mom’s comments at the diner. All of it built and built until I couldn’t contain it anymore.

My mind won’t stop spinning, going over everything Mom and Rachel said. And now, I can’t stop seeing the shock and pain on Rach’s face when I told her to drop it.

I’m the one who takes that look off her face, not the one who puts it there. I’m not one of those guys she dates, the ones she has zero chemistry with who use her and then dump her like she’s nothing. That’s not me. I would never hurt her, yet I let myself get so wound up, I did just that.

There’s only one way to relieve the stress and tension.

And it’s the thing I’m best at.

I’m good with numbers and managing portfolios, but when it comes right down to it, jerking off seems to be my true calling.

I make these people happy, and I get a release.

It’s a win-win.

As long as I don’t think about what I’m doing.

As long as I’m HRD4U and not Flynn.

I reach down and grasp my cock, letting it harden in my hand before I log on and hit the button that will send an alert to all those who have signed up to let them know I’m live.

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