Page 101 of Fabulous Filthy Friend

Maybe it was my fault for not chasing him down, for not apologizing immediately and telling him I didn’t mean it. Because looking back, I know I didn’t.

I was hurt he didn’t trust me enough to tell me about HRD4U. That, I can understand, given that I was hiding my own predilections from him, but the fact that he didn’t tell me about the tires or the paint is another thing altogether. That was where he crossed the line from hiding the secret he might’ve been embarrassed about to not having faith in me at all. That’s why it feels like my heart is in pieces right now.

The cursor moves in the open chat window, and his response pops up.

HRD4U

I do, too.

His simple reply brings tears to my eyes for what feels like the thousandth time.

I hover my hands over the keyboard, but my brain can’t seem to process what I need to say. There are so many things I want to say, so many things that should be said, and probably to Flynn’s face, but the thought of looking into his blue-gray eyes while having to say them is just too much.

Get your head together, Rachel.

This is it. This is my chance to hopefully turn the tide.

Don’t blow it.

Finally, my fingers move, almost of their own accord.

INEEDSOMED

I’m so sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. I was hurt. Really fucking hurt. I felt if my best friend can’t trust me with something this huge, then really, how strong is our friendship? Knowing that I might not know you like I thought I did destroyed me. Because I love the you that I know. I love the Flynn who makes pancakes with me and kicks my ass at miniature golf. The one who has sat here and held me while I cried over every stupid guy I’ve dated in the last five years without complaining once.

When you said you didn’t tell me to protect me, that wasn’t totally true. You did it to protect yourself from having to reveal HRD4U to me. I never want you to keep something that big from me again. I would rather you not keep anything from me again, but I know that’s not realistic.

I know that HRD4U is just another part of the Flynn I already know. He’s always been there, just under the surface, and I caught glimpses of him at times, but now that I’ve really seen him, I love that Flynn, too. And there’s nothing wrong with what you do on the site. Don’t let yourself believe you’re doing anything wrong.

If you want to continue doing it, I can’t say I won’t be jealous that other women get to watch you, but it’s as much a part of you as anything else. It’s not my place to tell you to stop. It’s not my place to tell you to do anything. So, I’m sorry.

And please, forgive me, even if nothing else happens, even if we can’t get back our friendship after all this, please, just forgive me so I know you won’t go on with your life believing I think anything negative about you. It couldn’t be further from the truth.

I sit and stare at the literal word vomit I typed through a flood of tears and hit send before I can second-guess myself and delete every letter of it.

Acid churns in my stomach, and I press my hand over my chest in a vain attempt to stop my racing heart.

Is he going to respond?

Every second waiting is like an hour. Every minute like a day.

And still…

Nothing.

The tears well again, and I swipe them away and reach for the top of the laptop to close the screen. His words pop up just before it clicks shut.

HRD4U

Meet me outside.

24

FLYNN

I wasn’t going to keep messaging her after my simple reply. Not when I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I was going to have another drink, pass out, and hope that in the morning, I’d have some clarity I currently lack.

So, I wasn’t going to respond to anything else she might have to say tonight.

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