Page 82 of Dirty Pucking Player

Maybe I’ve misread this entire situation. Maybe I’m feeling something that’s one-sided. She seems way too willing to let this go, to let it end on what I didn’t say in her office.

“I wanted to tell you that this is not easy for me, Coach.”

She peeks up at me. “What isn’t?”

“This.” I motion between us. “I’m not…” I shove my hand through my hair, tugging at the strands. “I’m not a relationship guy.”

She snorts and shakes her head. “No shit.”

“This is the closest I’ve ever come to having a real one.”

Her eyes widen slightly. “Seriously? Not even high school?”

I shake my head. “I was busy with hockey in high school.” I pause to consider whether to tell her what’s really behind my aversion to any type of deeper connection. At this point, why hold back? “And when I was seventeen, my best friend’s ex-girlfriend committed suicide after he broke up with her and went to college.”

“Oh, God.” Greer’s hand flies up to cover her mouth. “At that age?”

I nod slowly. “It hit all of us really hard. None of us had noticed anything was wrong. She tried to contact him at school, and he ignored the calls. I saw her a few times after he left, and I just thought she was upset about the breakup, like any teenager would be. I didn’t see how much she was struggling, that she was in a really severe depression. Then she killed herself. We all carried the guilt of thinking we could have done something to stop her. It made me not want to have that kind of pain in my life. Why open yourself up to something that could affect you that deeply? That…combined with how I grew up, just tainted the way I saw love and relationships.”

Her brow furrows. “What do you mean how you grew up?”

I’ve avoided her questions about Dad for a long time. I never wanted to tear open those old wounds when telling her wouldn’t change anything. But maybe it’s time the truth about Mike Fury comes to light, at least to one person.

“My dad was a self-centered asshole, Greer. Still is. We would barely see him all season, then he would show up for a few days and come and go when it was convenient for him during the off-season.” I swallow past the emotion threatening to choke me. “It was better when he was gone…because when he was home, he was a complete monster.”

Her eyes widen, and she waits for me to continue.

“The man had the same aggression off the ice as he did on it. He hit my mom more than once each time he was home, and I did my best to protect Jameson and Rachel from his wrath, so he hit me a lot, too.”

She takes a step toward me. “Bash, I’m so sorry.”

I hold up a hand. “I’m not telling you this to get your sympathy, Greer. I’m telling you because I want you to understand that I never anticipated caring about you when we first got together because I’ve never wanted to care about anyone. I even pushed Jameson and Rach away because I felt myself turning into my father at times and I didn’t want any of that to touch them.”

She cringes slightly, but the words had to be said. It would be a lie if I told her I had planned for anything more than a few hot nights sharing a bed with her, and if I lied about that, she would see right through me and believe I was lying about the rest of what I have to say.

Her green eyes soften after a moment. “I care about you, too, Bash. That’s what makes this so hard.”

The pain shaking her words slices at my heart. A few months ago, watching a woman I was sleeping with cry wouldn’t have affected me at all, because I’ve never given a shit about anyone I’ve stuck my dick into in the past beyond what they could do for me for a night or two.

But it’s so different with Greer.

I close the distance between us and take her into my arms. She buries her face against my chest and wraps her arms around my waist. I wish I could take away all this pain and all the complications, but I can’t. All I can do is hold on right now for what might be the last time.

Fuck does that hurt to actually acknowledge.

I pull back slightly and tilt her face toward mine. “You asked what we’re doing, and I didn’t have an answer for you. I still don’t. Because the truth is, we don’t have a lot of options here. I can’t back out of my contract…”

“And I’m not going to quit my job.”

I nod.

She chews on her bottom lip. “So, where does that leave us?”

We stare each other for what feels like an eternity. Her eyes well with tears until they slowly overflow and trickle down her pale cheeks.

I brush them away with my thumb and lean down to press a slow, soft kiss to her lips. “I guess all that leaves is goodbye.”

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