Page 179 of Halfblood Deceived

Aella half smiled.

Kamilla sat straighter, crossing her legs—bare up to her mid-thigh thanks to the cut of her red dress—and linked her fingers on her lap. “If Zeydan did nothing to scare you, why were you afraid?”

Aella gulped, resuming her pacing. She didn’t know where to start. Or maybe she did. But she was trying to edit her thoughts, and that was proving to be an impossible task.

“You can tell me anything,” Kamilla reminded her.

Aella knew that, she knew it down to her bones. So she spoke. “I never had a pretty dress until my wedding day. I had always worn donated clothes that didn’t quite fit me, and the nuns told me I should be grateful for having any clothes at all. So when I was given a brand new dress for my wedding, I was so happy. It was white, of course, and the skirts were layered and flowed when I moved.” Her chest grew tighter. She breathed measuredly to prevent hyperventilation. “After the vows were made, Micah took me out of the church, put a hood on my head, and drove me to the manor. He all but dragged me to our room and then he…” Her stomach seemed to want to strangle itself. Aella pushed on. “He ripped the dress off me, ignoring my protests. He tossed me to the bed and… it hurt. The superior told me it would, that it was part of the punishment god had given all females after Eve’s sin. Still, I hoped, and I prayed it wouldn’t hurt, but it did.” She blinked hard, but tears clouded her eyes. Trying to stay in the present, she bit the inside of her lip hard enough to cut. The pain and the coppery taste became an anchor to reality. “I begged Micah to stop several times. I-I screamed. He ignored me at first, but then placed his hand on my mouth and told me to stop whining. I did, but I couldn’t stop the tears. When he was done with me, he gave me a disgusted look and ordered me to clean the mess I’d made.”

Aella rubbed her palm against her chest, pacing, and sniffing, shaking her head to wipe the images from her mind. Bile crawled up her throat, and she was glad her stomach was empty. Otherwise, she would have vomited right there on the floor of Kamilla’s office. “Whenever Micah took me, it always hurt. Always. After the first few times, I learned not to beg. It seemed as if he enjoyed causing me pain. And after every time he did what he wanted with me, I felt as ripped apart as the dress. I still do. And I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know how to purge that from my mind. I don’t know if I can.” Aella’s voice broke. “I feel… contaminated.” Admitting it out loud felt as if someone were sinking a rusty blade into her heart. Her chest shook with the force of her sobs.

Lean, strong arms wrapped around her.

Aella blindly clung to Kamilla. She tried to keep her sobs silent, but it was impossible. Her head pounded. She felt like that time she’d tried to escape from the church and had fallen through a thorny bush and landed on the icy stone floor—raw and broken.

Kamilla rocked Aella side to side without breaking the embrace, humming a lulling melody in her ear, something she’d done before. And eventually—many minutes later—Aella’s breathing stabilized. Her tears came at a slower rate, and she felt in one piece again.

Aella let Kamilla lead her to the sofa, finding herself with a box of tissues on her lap, and a warm arm around her shoulders. She cleaned her face and her nose, part of her still stunned at Kamilla’s gentleness. It took a few more minutes for her tears to dry fully. Only then, Kamilla broke the silence.

“I have no words to express how sorry I am that you had to go through something so horrible, Aella.” She shook her head, a muscle in her jaw jumping as she gritted her teeth. “And I apologize if this sounds wrong, but I would love to rip Micah’s spine off for what he did to you.”

Aella let out a hiccuping huff. “Actually, I find it oddly validating.”

Kamilla granted her a rueful smile. “I’m glad to hear that.”

Aella took a bracing breath. “I’m afraid of sex. I’m not afraid of Zeydan. I know deep in my heart that he would never hurt me. But I’m afraid he’ll want more than I can give him. So I’ve been keeping some distance from him.”

Kam watched Aella for a moment. Her firm but kind expression was one she wore when it was time to deliver an uncomfortable truth. “I understand why you are afraid of sex, but you’ve never had sex before, dear. Rape is not the same as consensual sex. It’s miles from it.”

Aella nodded. She knew this as well.

She’d known even before actually learning the difference through the books Aylana had given her and conversations with her sister and Kamilla. Aella had always felt something was wrong whenever Micah did what he wanted with her.

“Sex should never be painful nor forceful.” Kam wrinkled her nose. “Admittedly, some people enjoy punishment and binding in their sexual encounters, but they give their partners their consent for that.” She shrugged at Aella’s confused, appalled expression. “I find it rather unappealing too, but to each their own.” She gave Aella’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “The point is that consensual sex should not be painful. When we females are ready and willing, there is no pain. Unlike most believe, even first times don’t have to be an overtly hurtful affair unless there is a medical reason for it. A mild-to-moderate stinging sensation, perhaps, but the pleasure should outweigh any discomfort. However, and this is the most important part, you must never, ever have sex with someone if you are not 100% sure that you want to. And if you feel uncomfortable in the middle of sex, you have every right to revoke consent and ask your partner to stop. No matter if they whine. Actually, if they fucking whine, you should immediately call it off. A partner who does not respect your wishes is not worth it. Not as a person and not as a lover, either.”

Aella took a deep breath. “Diana and Aylana have mentioned that. And I’ve read a few books about it.”

“Good,” Kamilla approved. “Still, you must not feel pressured, or allow anyone to pressure you. Relationships are much more than sex. Some people don’t need or want sex at all, even in romantic relationships.”

“I read about that, too,” Aella admitted, chewing her lip. “But the thing is, I want…” She swallowed hard. “I want Zeydan. I don’t know exactly what it is I want from him, but… something.”

Kamilla tilted her head. “And you feel guilty about your own desires as well.”

Aella cringed and nodded. “I know that what the church drilled into my head regarding purity is bullshit. And I’m not just saying that. I have analyzed it over and over and I have the full conviction that it is bullshit. But I still feel… Unclean, and sinful for feeling what I feel for Zeydan.”

A corner of Kam’s mouth tilted up. “Bullshit has entered your vocabulary. I am proud of you.”

Aella huffed, smiling. “Diana and Aylana curse up a storm, not to mention most of my coworkers. It was only a matter of time.”

Kam grew serious again. “I am glad you know the concepts of purity are bullshit. And I’ll be happy to remind you just how incredibly misogynistic, and outright fucking stupid, it is to consider a woman or female unclean because her sexual organs are no longer untouched. Whenever you need it. I will remind you that the church lied to you when they claimed you were the property of that monster just because you made some archaic vows. I will do it every day if necessary, my dear.” She caught a couple of tears that escaped Aella’s stubborn eyes with gentle flicks of her thumb. “You have the right to want whomever you want. To have desires and needs. To fulfill those needs by yourself or with a partner. You are a person and not the saintly property of any arsehole.”

“Thank you,” Aella said. Something shook in her chest, making her feel equally fragile and soothed. She knew this, but hearing Kamilla say it made it real somehow.

The vampire princess kissed her forehead. “Anytime.”

Aella took a deep breath. “I feel a bit as if I’ve put my very soul out to dry in the sun, but in a good way. Does that make sense?”

Kamilla smiled. “It makes all the sense in the world.”

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