Page 106 of Halfblood Deceived

“I don’t deserve comfort, I don’t deserve it,” she managed through the relentless trembling of her chest and the non-stop flow of tears.

The wolf lowered himself to the ground so he could place his warm neck on her shoulder and his muzzle against the nape of her neck.

“I don’t deserve it,” Aella murmured, but her shaky arms were wrapping around the wolf’s neck. She buried her face in his clean fur and wept, feeling invisible claws made of guilt and shame ripping her insides to pieces. How was she not bleeding? She should be bleeding out.

The wolf carefully placed a paw next to Aella’s hip and wrapped his upper body tighter around her. Aella took deep, greedy lungfuls of his scent. The volume of her whimpers lowered, and her loud inhalations turned into halting breaths.

Aella didn’t know how much time passed until her crying lessened to quiet tears, and her breathing became steadier. Time stretched and shrunk like a rubber band, making her feel so bone-deep exhausted that she all but slumped over the wolf.

He didn’t move.

“They killed Aiko’s mother right in front of her,” the words tumbled out of her lips. “And my pain is nothing compared to Aiko’s, nothing. But I feel as if I’m losing my mind when I hear her cries in my dreams. I tried to help, but I failed. I tried to do what was right for once, but does it count?” She buried her nose in soft fur and breathed in forest, tangerines, and delicious musk. “How many more little girls did they butcher? How many fathers did they kill and how many females did they abuse? And how many times after they came back from committing such depraved acts did I celebrate their triumphant return? I feel filthy with guilt.”

The wolf sighed, gently extricating himself from her just far enough to lock those soulful, green eyes with hers. He wiped her non-stop stream of tears with his muzzle and nudged up her chin with his warm nose.

Aella swallowed. “You don’t think I should feel guilty?”

He stared at her and deliberately shook his head.

Aella huffed ruefully. “I don’t agree with you, but I appreciate the sentiment.”

He rubbed his massive cheek against hers with utter tenderness, his whiskers tickling her skin. Aella automatically returned the nuzzling, her hands still gripping his silk-soft, thick fur.

The fog in her mind cleared slightly, leaving behind a desolate landscape with only a few solid thoughts.

She didn’t truly want to die.

She just wanted the pain to end.

But, even though her beliefs in Heaven and Hell and who belonged to one or the other were beyond shaky—and had been for much longer than she cared to admit—if they were real, the prospect of eternal damnation was definitely painful.

She wanted to find a purpose.

Not some sort of higher calling—she didn’t have any self-grandiose expectations—but perhaps a simple reason to live. Even if that reason was watching the new season of Diana’s favorite show about a prince and a commoner falling in love. Her sister sighed, swooned, and squealed while watching that show. Aella had seen fewer things more endearing.

Aella wanted to be more than Diana’s roommate.

Perhaps go shopping, or watch a movie. Sharing more meals and adventures. She didn’t know what those adventures would look like, but she wanted them.

Aella couldn’t help but think Micah would win if she destroyed herself.

How many times had he made her wish she could die? Aella couldn’t even remember. He had tried to kill her. She would be giving him what he wanted by taking her own life. By not living in freedom. And Aella didn’t want that monster to win.

That was it for now, but it would have to do.

However, in order to achieve any of those things, Aella knew something had to change. She had to change.

A good start to fulfilling her purposes would definitely be getting up from the damp ground, and walking away from the still tempting idea of finding an end at the bottom of that cliff.

So, using the wolf’s solid bulk as leverage, Aella pushed herself to her feet, wincing at the pain in her butt and back.

The wolf stood with her, brows furrowing with clear regret as she stretched her spine and tried to get rid of the leaves and wet dirt clinging to her clothes.

“I’m fine,” Aella assured him. “I’ve been much, much worse, trust me. It’s nothing.”

He looked even more perturbed, ears low.

Aella took his giant head in her hands, unable to keep herself from sinking her fingers into his fur. “You saved me from making quite literally the worst mistake of my entire life. A sore butt is a small price to pay. Okay?”

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