Page 50 of Haze

He knows us and handles us so well. My wolf rolls around inside me in pure bliss.

My body aches in that satisfying way. Finn knows how to handle us. With every wave of need, he brings an intensity in bed that I haven’t felt with past partners. And while I know heat changes your perspective, the healing bruises and tender skin from his belt tell me that my admiration of his prowess is not entirely from the haze of heat.

The problem is, Finn doesn’t know what he’s doing to me. Or my wolf. With each tender moment, perfect fuck, and example of him caring for me, I’m short-circuiting. I’m growing more and more attached. And it’s pathetic.

I’m positive that if he knew how I felt, he’d leave or tell me I’m overreacting. Everyone knows you can’t trust the feelings you have during heat.

You can’t know that. Quit trying to push him away. He marked us back. You’re being ridiculous, my wolf snaps. She’s frustrated with me, and it’s the most backbone she’s shown in a long time.

“Kathleen, you can’t hide from me.” Finn encourages me to answer his question.

“Yeah. I could try to eat,” I answer him.

He presses a sweet kiss on my lips before slowly letting me go. I sit on the edge of the bed, trying so hard to remember my place in this. I’m his Alpha Female. He’s servicing me through heat. We have mating marks, but the bond between us can be broken, mostly, kind of.

Don’t fall apart now. Not after all we’ve worked for.

“You coming, faolan?” Finn encourages me, not waiting for me to follow.

In the silence, I force away what I can of the emotions and the issues of it all. The opening and closing of the cupboards indicate Finn’s wasting no time making me food.

Such a good provider. My wolf swoons.

After pulling on clean sweats, I walk out and sit on the stool that Finn had cleaned sometime during the chaos.

He’s absolutely perfect in this. Maybe if I play my cards right, we can do this again in the future.

We could wear his collar, and he’ll give us pups. We can obey and be free. You know when we settle with him, it’ll be easier to handle how other people treat us. It’ll be perfect. In her excitement, my wolf tries to encourage me to give in to the feelings I literally just locked down. She’s antsy and excited, which makes this that much harder.

Why doesn’t she understand this, him with us, is temporary? Why doesn’t she understand that eventually, he’ll figure out how needy she is and resent her? We don’t have value, and someone like Finn will want a mate worth something.

“You’re really deep in that head of yours, Kathleen.” Finn brings a cutting board with peppers and steak to the island to talk to me while he cooks. He prompts, “Give me ten seconds of honesty?”

No. Absolutely not. Fervently I shake my head.

“I’ll go first?” Finn offers.

I draw my eyes off the food to look at him. “Okay? No guarantee I’ll be able to explain it all.”

“That’s okay. Maybe what I have to say will settle you.” He smiles before turning his attention to the knife in his hand.

“Ten.” I give him the start.

“I’m ecstatic that you and I share a connection in the kink lifestyle. It’s the most beautiful thing to think that since we’ve marked each other, our lives are tied together, and we can further explore how we fit together. I want to spoil you and give you a hundred different collars that we can pick together each morning to show you off.” Finn looks at me the entire time he’s slicing the pepper.

Reckless and yet hot.

“One.” I stop him. Shit. I’ll get better at remembering to count.

I let silence fall between us, not ready to address his statement. My brain is reeling. Why would he be so willing to collar me? Do I want him to collar me? Would he really want to if he understood the real me? It’s not fair. Why does he have to be so fucking perfect?

When I don’t speak, Finn fills the dead air. “I’m intense as a Dominant. I want obedience. I love knowing that you’re headstrong. Bringing you to your knees will only be that much sweeter. Your bratty attitude is alluring.”

Dropping my eyes from him to the countertop, I drum my fingers, trying to push away the view I would have if I were on my knees before him. Finn is big. So much to lick and suck. A throat fuck would be awesome. Maybe if...

“You’re mine, and if it comes to it, you’ll ask permission for where you’re going and notify me of your safe arrival and departure. I want to be involved in every aspect of your life.” Finn looks up from slicing the steak. As he catches my eye, I can tell how serious he is. “There will be no more study dates with boys who don’t know where their side of the table ends.”

That’s not what I want. I don’t want someone making all my choices. I want to be free to choose. It’s why I’ve hidden everything away. If I were perfect, no one would know I’m flawed and no one would be able to take everything away from me. Spontaneity is what keeps me sane. Trips to the mini-golf courses when I’m trying to figure things out? They’re a necessity. I spend so much time trying to fit in that sometimes I need to disappear. No. He’ll ruin everything.

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