Page 42 of Haze

Lena shakes her head. “I’m good. This is temporary.”

I turn the heat on to warm the oil in the pan and then grab the pitcher I saw in the fridge. Once I find the glasses in the upper cupboard next to the sink, I pull them out and pour her a glass of water. After setting it in front of her, I offer her some of the raw, clean vegetables I’ve been cutting.

Lena shakes her head and scrubs her hand down her face before opening her mouth and closing it again. Can she not find the words, or is she afraid of what my reaction might be? I toss the garlic and onion in the pan to start.

Lena’s voice is so quiet I barely hear it over the food hissing in the pan. “You should leave.”

My wolf growls, pushing his displeasure forward. There’s no way she can truly expect us to walk out the door, away from her.

Putting the salmon fillets in the pan, I turn down the heat. Even if there was a need to stir, she and I are more important. I walk around the kitchen island and lean my hip against it, looking directly at her.

“Kathleen, do you really want me to leave, or are you scared because we’ve marked each other?” The question is anything but simple.

Any hope I hang on her answering falls off quickly. Silence must be Lena’s coping mechanism. However, not speaking, not communicating, and shutting down won’t give me a way to help. Her shoulders tense, and her breathing comes erratically.

How do I get her to trust me?

I slide my hand across the soft plane of her cheek.

There’s a slight change in pressure, ever so small, as Lena leans her head into my touch. The movement, even if it’s barely noticeable, assures me I’m reaching her on some level.

“Try this for me?” I encourage.

Lena lifts her eyes from where she was staring at the countertop to meet mine.

Holding her eyes, I give her the exercise. “Give me ten seconds of complete honesty. Say what you’re thinking right now. Be honest. Be raw. Don’t sugarcoat or fluff it up. Don’t downplay it or try to make it less complicated. Ten seconds of honesty. I’ll go first if you want?”

Lena furrows her brow before slightly inclining her head toward me in agreement.

“Okay. Start at ten and count backward to one.”

She takes a deep breath before she starts. “Ten.”

“I’ve been praying for God to lead me to you since I was old enough to take a mate. But the older I got, the less conventional my preferences became. I’ve worried that the more I explored my darker desires, to earn total control over my partner, the less likely I’d be to find my mate. God answering my prayers now feels too good to be true.”

“One.” Lena releases a shuddering breath.

“Your turn.” I cup her cheek.

She wets her lips before pulling them between her teeth, biting them together like she’s trying to keep the secret of her feelings inside at all costs. Lena nods, so I drop my hand from her face and give her the space to speak.

“Ten,” I start slowly.

“I’m terrified of the pain I’m going through. I don’t do heat with other wolves for the exact reason I shouldn’t have begged you to stay.” Lena pushes out words rapid fire until she’s out of air and drags in a ragged breath.

Which reason? I want to ask, but I let her speak.

“Now it’s all wrong. I’ve marked you as my own, and you marked me back.” She exhales before drawing another full breath.

The anguish she’s putting herself through over something we should be celebrating causes my heart to sink.

“I know”—she stumbles over her words—“I knew that heat would be so much easier with a partner. I didn’t think it would be so life-changing, but I’m terrified I’ll break apart when this is over.”

“One.” I had been counting, and she’d made it to almost ten seconds of talking.

I didn’t want to stop her even though it would be dishonest to let her talk beyond the ten seconds. But seeing tears in her eyes, I make her stop. I don’t want her to cry. This is supposed to be liberating, not hurtful. With quick steps to the stove, I click off the burner before I cross back to where she’s sitting and wrap my arms around her.

She half-heartedly struggles, but I hold tight, not letting her go. With another second and a small rumble from me, she settles into my touch.

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