Page 30 of Haze

Chapter 10

Lena

Doctor Thorpe and I spoke before I sent emails to my professors notifying them of my absence. While waiting for the dispensation, I swing by the lab. I intended this to be a quick in and out, avoiding where Finn’s been holed up in the diagnostics lab.

But I open the lab directory out of curiosity. I check and see that Finn’s phone number has already been added to the list.

A little wolf-shaped gremlin presses for me to write it down. We might need him.

That thought should have been enough for me to throw the slip of paper in the shredder, but it ended up tucked in my purse instead.

After a trip to the pharmacy department, Doctor Thorpe goes through his usual spiel about how to take the medication. All the while, he makes jokes about how I know more about these pills than he does. His jokes don’t entirely mask the slight judgmental tone for not waiting for my cycle to start naturally, but I’ve never been able to pinpoint my heat precisely. This is more controllable.

Because I refuse to take suppressants due to their long-term, damaging side effects, my only option is the ‘updated’ version of what our ancestors used to control when they went into season. Let’s just say knowing what’s in it makes me really glad that it’s something we can capsulate rather than the tea women used to drink. I wouldn’t be able to stomach it.

Despite his judgment, Doctor Thorpe wishes me well before walking me out the door. I leave with Finn none the wiser about my presence.

From what we know, the side effects of the drug should be incredibly mild and similar to human flu symptoms: sinus congestion, coughing, upset stomach, and increased body temperature. It would make more sense to me if wolves got sick, but from what I’ve seen of humans when they have the flu, it can’t possibly be that bad.

* * *

Closing the door on the refrigerator after stocking the groceries, I know future me will hate current me. I bought all sorts of fruits and veggies at the grocery store in preparation for what the internet says the flu is. Nutrient-rich fruits and veggies sit on higher shelves in the fridge above some easy-to-cook proteins above some beautiful steaks—at the end of the day, I’m a wolf, and I’ll eat those raw if I have to. Should I cook a few dishes to have leftovers? Maybe. Will I? No. Will I likely have delivery services from all around the city drop food off at my apartment at all hours of the day? Oh, most likely. But I tried to do the right thing, and that should count for something.

We don’t have to do this alone. Call our mate, and he’ll take care of us through heat. He’ll provide, my wolf urges.

The coward is afraid and remembers the pain of all the heats we’ve gone through without a wolf to care for us.

She whines, pushing images of Finn and reminding me how his hands felt on us. How they felt in us.

I shake my head, putting it out of my brain and pulling the pharmaceutical bottles from my purse. The slip of paper with Finn’s cell phone number falls onto the counter. I push it aside in favor of looking at the amber bottles again.

The ones to start my heat early: six orange capsules. And the ones to test, fresh out of development: two pink pills. Closest we could get to red. Although, I guess it doesn’t matter because if it works, no one will care what it looks like, except me.

The part of my brain that forced me to write down Finn’s number is evil. It sits there on the counter, drawing me to him. I won’t do it. There’s no way in hell I’m texting him. It was a stupid and impulsive decision to write it down.

Call him first, my wolf urges. She reminds me of how good his fingers felt. Or send him a text. Let him come help us.

I pop the lid on the bottle with the orange capsules and take the first one, ignoring her. He’s good. I’ll give him that. But I don’t want, nor need, a man fucking up everything around me.

Once I set timers for the next set of medications on my phone, I send a well-crafted text message to my brothers and Thalia via our family chat.

Me:

Feeling the pressure to get these paintings done. I’m taking a few days to hole up until I’ve finished them. I need space.

I don’t wait for their response. There’s no need to with how busy Revecca is keeping Cade.

He’s dead set I finish my degree, irony not missed with Thalia.

Delaying her degree for a year since she became a wolf was a hard choice for Thalia. I wanted to support her through it. I know how hard she’s worked for this because academics are fucking demanding. But Cade made it clear I was to talk her out of it.

I hate being the villain in her life. I maybe didn’t react the best to him bringing her home. In my defense, I wasn’t wrong. Thalia was a danger, even if it was mostly to herself.

But now, Cade needs Thalia at his side. It’s easier for me to tell her difficult-to-hear things than for him to tell her no. I get it—he wants the world for her. But he can only stretch himself so far, and constant trips to DC, where her school is, would weigh heavily on him. So, it fell to me to encourage her to take some time learning how to be a wolf before adding in other studies.

Dinah and I regularly spend time swapping useful visions—hers of the future and mine of the past. So, before I agreed to Cade’s semi-demand-ish-request to convince Thalia to put her degree on hold, I had Dinah look. Knowing that encouraging Thalia to push her degree back won’t matter in a few years, I agreed. What I’ve told her or done to keep her with Cade won’t hinder her happiness. She’ll have her degree, and the two of them will have pups, and her archive becomes her pride and joy.

I have hours before my body starts to turn more primal. Doing what I told Cade and Thalia I was doing, I lift the first of my large canvases into place to work on it.

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