Page 79 of Forever in the Country

I shake my head. “I made an appointment and right before I was supposed to go in, I started bleeding. The nurse called it a chemical pregnancy. She said I wouldn’t have even known I was pregnant if I’d just waited a little longer to take a test.” I feel him tense beneath me but he doesn’t say anything. “After all the bloodwork confirmed it…I was relieved.” My voice catches on the last word but I force myself to keep going, “A chemical pregnancy isn’t viable, but I was still relieved.”

Guilt washes over me the way it always does when I remember everything that happened, and I let my eyelids fall shut.

“You were young.” His voice startles me and I look at him, shock written all over my expression. His thumb brushes away a tear I didn’t realize had fallen.

“I’d met the guy at a party and the condom broke and I was on birth control so I thought it was fine but”—I blow out a breath—“I was relieved that I wasn’t having a baby with a guy I barely knew.”

“That’s understandable.”

“I would have been a good mom if I hadn’t lost—”

“I know.”

“And I would have loved the baby with my whole heart,” I say as my words break on a sob.

“I know, Sunshine. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Why aren’t you mad?”

“Why would I be mad?” he asks as he continues to wipe away the tears streaming down my face.

“Because of your sister. Because your mom and how awful she was and everyone is getting pregnant and your sister is struggling and Igotpregnant without even trying. And I just thought—”

“Rhea.” He threads his fingers in my hair and places a slow lingering kiss on my lips. “Those are not the same thing.”

“I was thankful I didn’t have the baby,” I whisper.

“And you’ve been living with the guilt ever since,” he says matter-of-factly and that hurts just as much. “My parents being married and accidentally getting pregnant and not loving a baby is not the same thing as a girl in college letting loose and getting pregnant from a one-night stand.”

“But—”

“You’ve paid a penance that wasn’t yours, Sunshine, and I think,”—he brushes a loose piece of hair behind my ear—“if you talked to the girls they’d tell you the same thing.”

“How could I tell them when they’re so happy having babies? When your sister wants so desperately to be a mom?”

“If we got pregnant right now, how would you feel?”

“I’d probably have a heart attack at first but I’d be happy.”

“Even though things between us are still new and I’m still fucking up trying to figure out how to do this?”

“Yes.” A smile pulls at my lips. “And you aren’t that bad.” I sigh, “But we’re older and we care about each other and it’s different.”

“Itisdifferent. I’m sorry you went through it alone.” He presses a kiss to my cheek. “And I’m sorry you’ve carried so much guilt since then.” He kisses me again, this time slanting his mouth over mine before pulling back. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” I say, my heart rate picking up with each passing second.

“When that happened,”—his eyes search mine—“I, uh…” He swallows and licks his lips. “You came home, right? Stayed at your parents’?”

“Yes…” I say cautiously.

I remember it being sometime before Sorren left for the Marine Corps. Marlee had graduated from high school a few months later.

“I thought you were blowing me off. I’d been tryin’ to ask you out.” My mouth falls open as he looks away. “On a date. I felt like with Marlee almost off to college I could start focusing on what I wanted.” He swallows hard. “It’s why I said that when you kissed me in the car.”

I’m still reeling from his confession as memories from the night of the wedding flitter through my mind—the kiss and Sorren’s subsequent freak-out.

Is this because of what happened before? You’re doin’ this now to get back at me?

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