Page 31 of Forever in the Country

So she knows what she does to me.

The ride to Tanner’s house is something of a blur, and I’m thankful that it takes no more than a few minutes to get from one side of town to the other.

Parking almost sideways behind his car, I climb out. I’m about to start banging on his door when he opens it. Tanner doesn’t speak as he steps back, allowing me to barge into his space.

A root beer sits on the table next to a glass already filled with ice. It’s become an unspoken thing that everyone just has cans of root beer for me at all times. After being injured, the medication really fucked with me and I don’t want to have that feeling of losing control ever again.

I crack the can open and dump it into the glass. The pop and fizz of the liquid as it slides over the ice fills the silence with a deafening roar. I’m stalling but he doesn’t rush me. Instead, Tanner leans against the sink watching me.

“I need you to tell me I didn’t just fuck up the best thing I have going right now.”

Tanner’s eyebrows lift slowly but he remains silent. “With Rhea?” he asks after a long pause.

I nod, picking the glass up and putting it back on the table without taking a sip. Standing up, I curse under my breath and brace my hands on the kitchen chair, using its stability to stretch out my calf. Wordlessly, Tanner places a bottle of over the counter pain meds in front of me and returns to his spot at the sink.

Popping the top, I take a couple and then finally look at my friend and business partner.

“I don’t know how to do this,” I admit finally.

“I’m no expert, but I think you’ve already been doing it.”

Rhea’s words from last night float through my mind. I’d had all night to dissect everything she’d said.

And everything she hadn’t.

He blows out a breath, crossing and uncrossing his arms. “I’m probably not the right person to give advice but,”—he sighs—“what are you so afraid of? Honestly, I’m surprised she’s let this go on so long.”

“I just wanted more time.”

“For what?”

“To be settled. Established. To—”

“Those are fucking excuses,” Tanner says and it sounds so unnatural coming from him. “She’s been with you this whole time andthatshould mean something.”

“It means everything. I just wanted more time.”

“Some don’t get that luxury,” he says pointedly. It’s a dig and it’s not. I’m lucky to be here. Lucky to be alive but is it so wrong to want to do this on my terms?

“I know.”

“So what are you scared of?”

That being with me will dim her light.

“That I’ll lose her in the end.”

“You’ve lost her now.” I suppress the growl that wants to escape and he shrugs. “By all accounts you have, and you’re going to need to do something big to show her you’re all in.”

“You’re kind of shit at this.”

“Yeah well, bottom line is we all have baggage and it’s up to the people we build a relationship with if they want to help us carry it or not. We can’t make that decision for them.”

“That mean you’re ready to jump into the dating pool?”

“Hell no,” he says and I grunt.

“What happened to all that ‘let them help you carry it’ BS you just said?”

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