Page 73 of Songs of Retribution

Tears bit at my eyes. It was like the emotions from everything that had happened—meeting Shaan, betraying him, realizing Father would never mark me for the magic, tromping through Kali's city, falling from a cliff, enduring the pirate ship, and facing down everything to end up here—finally caught up with me. I choked over a sob. It had all been for nothing. They'd never see me as anything more than a Seelie, the son of my father. I'd never overcome that, and I'd done what I feared and harmed Shaan's reputation along with mine.

I pulled away from him. He reached out for me again, and I shook my head and took another step back, bumping into the rough bark of a tree. I slid down it, bowed my head to my knees, and wept. Shaan tried to reach for me, and I pushed his hands away. "Please," I gasped. "I can't."

The weight of Shaan watching me was like a boulder. I couldn't speak to him or look at him or touch him. I didn't deserve him and never had. What a selfish fool I'd been thinking I could have all of this, thinking I could take Father's crown, that the Seelie would ever accept us. It was all dust in the wind for what benefit it gave us. Perhaps Shaan's people would never trust him again either, all because fate had fucked him over and paired him with me. He deserved better—he deserved the world.

At some point, Shaan pulled a thrush and the sparkle of its magic glittered in the forest’s shadowed belly, but I didn't look up. My thoughts continued to spiral. A few minutes later someone sat beside me. It wasn't Shaan. I could pin his location without looking and he still stood in front of me, worrying.

"Lennox." Elisa's voice was gentle—dandelion seeds on a spring breeze. I lifted my face and shame crept up my neck in a wash of warmth at the prospect of meeting her eyes.

Shaan appeared even more anxious than I'd expected, his brow furrowed, his lips a thin line. "I'll give you a minute," he said and turned and walked back in the camp's direction.

My heart lurched to watch him go. That's what he should do, walk away from me and try to salvage what he could for himself. He deserved so much better.

"Shaan asked me to come speak with you," Elisa said. Shifting back to her, I could see how tired she was. Her forehead glimmered with sweat, and she had smudges under her eyes that weren't usually there. She'd been working tirelessly with the Amentium and still had gloves on her hands.

"He never should have loved me," I said, my heart too full to speak anything but the truth.

Elisa sucked in a breath and wrapped her arms around one of mine. "Why would you think that?"

"He deserves better. I'm… I'm not as capable as he sees me. For a minute I thought I was, but the Prasanna general was right. I'm a liability." I struggled to get the words out past the grief thickening my throat. "What was I ever thinking believing I could make a difference in all this?"

Elisa didn't speak until I raised my face again to find a stern expression on her. It was so bewildering on her gentle features. "How can you say that?"

"Elisa." Grasses waved in the wind and tangled around the trunk of some ancient oak. "I've tried. I'm not enough like my father for the Seelie to accept me, and too much like him for the Prasanna to do so. Look at everything that’s happened. I can't even inspire confidence in my people to stay on for this cause, how am I supposed to convince anyone else of anything?"

"You convinced me." Her voice came quiet but firm, her grip tightening on my arm.

I rested my chin on my arm which brought my face close to hers. "Of what?"

"That we'd live. You remember the night on the pirate ship when I'd given up hope?"

"I knew we'd survive that, and you needed something to focus on that wasn't hopelessness."

"Well, I didn't know it. I was terrified and thought I'd never see Neia again." She gave her head a toss so that her copper curls fell behind her shoulder. "You made me believe; you made me willing to fight when I was ready to give up."

"The pirate ship and the island… that was a matter of survival."

Her grip tightened, and her words came burning with an unusual intensity. "This is a matter of survival."

"I have no allies on either side of this conflict. I couldn't convince my uncle to get his forces to join us, half the Seelie have abandoned me, the Alegre hate me, and the Prasanna ousted me from their meeting."

"Then make some allies." Her brow furrowed, and she stared at me until I met her gaze, her emerald eyes dark and heavy. "You're the man who convinced the Prasanna Prince to let his guard down." I winced, but she carried on. "You convinced the Prasanna to allow you into their palace and take Lira home with you. You managed to get the Maharani to allow Sir Eldrick into classified meetings. You've even turned Sai's opinion of you."

"That last part might have actually been divine bewitchment. I don't understand what's changed him."

She chuckled, but the levity didn't enter her voice. "You convinced me of something as well."

"What's that?"

A butterfly drifted by, stopping at a wildflower to spread its wings for a moment before flitting on. "You made me believe the Seelie world could be different, that you'd make it different, that you'd fight for it too."

"Elisa, I—"

"I believe in you." She clapped my hand between hers. "And Shaan believes in you. We've all faced so much already, and we've kept going. You are enough, Lennox. You're more than enough just as you are, and I know you can do this." Her words pierced through the fog of my emotions. "Maybe not everyone will listen to you, but I think enough will that you can turn the tides. It's what you're good at. You know how to make people believe in the story you paint with your words."

"You see me as an artist?" That was a description saved for Shaan's realm of beauty and creativity. I'd never been someone who could craft anything.

Elisa smiled. "Yes. Words are an art form too. And you know how to wield them." Her tone lightened and grew teasing. “Besides, you still owe me gingerbread from the Seelie palace. You told me you’d send me some once. Do you remember?”

---