Page 12 of Songs of Retribution

"What? No." He shook his head and moved closer to me, pressing the sticky edges of our oil-slicked legs together. "This was perfect. It's something else."

"Tell me?"

He bit his lip and hunched where I couldn't see his face, though he kept his hand clutched tightly in mine. "If I do, this might change."

I released his grip so I could use both of my hands to draw his face up until he looked me in the eye. His zevar gleamed over his collarbones, like his magic crackled to release. I empathized with the feeling of having powers I didn't understand that longed to rush free. "Listen to me, Shaan. Nothing…Nothingcan change us. I love you exactly as you are, and you can tell me anything."

Tears glimmered on the rims of his eyes and when he blinked, one broke free and clung to the end of his dark lashes. "I've killed someone," he whispered, stumbling over the words. “Several beings, actually.”

I took a slow breath and brushed my thumb over his jaw. "Did you?"

He bobbed his head, and his beard scraped my fingers. "The pirates pursuing our ship. When we landed, they were going to hurt Sai, and I killed them. And... and it was easy."

That explained the haunted look in his expression. It had nothing to do with us. "Shaan." I kissed his forehead. "They might have killed your brother or one of your friends if you hadn't interjected."

He shook free from my touch. "No. Sai has always escaped things and killed no one. I took their lives without hesitating."

"I imagine Sai has usually had the advantage of pre-planning. Things are different now. We were escaping malicious pirates and we're about to face a war."

He looked up at me, his eyes wide, his body still curled in. God, I understood the guilt around magic and hurting others, and I wished I could reach into his soul and remove the pain for him. I'd bear it if I could spare him.

"Would you ever use your magic to kill?" he whispered.

"I would have killed every single pirate on our ship if they'd threatened Elisa's life without a beat of hesitation." Shaan took a deep breath. "Do you see me as a monster?"

"No."

I lifted his hand and kissed his knuckles. "Then neither are you. You likely saved lives."

He sighed but gestured towards the washroom. "Let's get cleaned up. I imagine you want to see Elisa."

I hesitated, not feeling like the conversation was over, but Shaan rose, jostling the bed. He walked across the room without looking back, the beauty of his figure, his tawny skin turning golden in the lamplight, stood out even among all the beauty he'd created. Now he saw himself as a killer, as cursed, maybe. I'd have to find some way to convince him otherwise, to show him the man I saw in him, as he'd done for me.

It didn't change the sickening twist in my gut as he walked away with his shoulders slumped. I rose to follow him and hoped I would find some way to help.

* * *

The palace's hospital was in the back of the extensive estate, and I couldn't stop taking in the elegant architecture, massive statues, glimmering tile mosaics, and rich colors in every chamber. Ishir accompanied us and nodded to the guards lining the halls who all appraised me with tight eyes. The guards didn't trust me which was understandable. Ishir, however, chatted quietly with us and spoke to me as often as Shaan. It gave me hope perhaps I could find my footing in this new life I wished to craft.

We stepped through a doorway into a massive domed room with ceilings covered in gold filigree. More gold moldings capped the massive windows.

"This is your palace hospital?" I whispered to Shaan. The Seelie hospital was a practical, stone-lined space with a few dozen beds. This room had one bed beside which Elisa sat in a chair hunched over a sleeping Neia.

Shaan shrugged. "Not all of it looks like this. This is the hospital room for the royal family."

Ah. So, they'd put Neia in their family's section. It surprised me, but it shouldn't have. The Maharani had shown me her compassion, her fierce love for those around her, as well as her intelligence. If I ever actually took over the Seelie kingdom, I wanted to be a leader like her.

Shaan and Ishir stopped at the door, but I walked over and took the seat next to Elisa. Her hand rested on Neia's shoulder and her attention remained fixed on the rise and fall of her chest for a moment before she turned towards me. "Hey, Lennox."

I forced a smile. "How is she?"

"The same. Stable."

"That's good." Elisa grimaced. Maybe 'stable' wasn't good. Perhaps they were hoping to see some improvements. But she was still breathing, still here. She lay on the bed, her face perfectly placid, her skin unusually pale. Before her injury, she'd never looked at me without scowling or grimacing. What I wouldn't do to see that again.

"Have you slept?" I asked Elisa.

She shrugged, her attention turned back to Neia.

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