Page 50 of Songs of Sacrament

Sai shook his head. “You have to actually compel me, or it won’t work.”

“You’re opening yourself up for anything. I could use you.”

He gave me a wry smile. “My only regret for that would be not remembering it.”

Despite the ache in my head, I scoffed. Sex was the only thing he was interested in with me. That was fine, even if it stung. He’d never committed to more. It was my pitiful heart that had wished for it to mean something more to him, that had made myself vulnerable as I’d unraveled my heart and body for him. “Fine.”

“Compel me.” His dark eyes seemed to burn into my soul. “Don’t hold back.”

I parted my mouth and let my voice flow out so that it bounced along the walls as though multiple versions of me sang, the notes blending together, luscious and rich. Sai’s eyes took on a hazy gaze and his shoulders dropped.

Energy flooded through me. It was like stepping out of a carriage when motion sick to feel a cool breeze on my face and steady ground beneath my feet. I sighed with relief, but the magic wavered.

I guess that wasn’t enough.

“Tell me about your family,” I sang.

“I love my family.” His voice held the droning lack of emotion of someone under a siren’s spell, and I cringed. He continued sharing about his parents, their love for each other and their children, how he admired his older sister and adored his younger. How he’d always been closest to Shaan. I’d never had any of that with my own mother—familial intimacy.

“Were you angry at Shaan after he lost his zevar?”

“No.” Sai’s voice deepened even as it kept the monotone cadence. “I was furious with Prince Lennox. I still am.”

Even though he wouldn't see my acknowledgement, I nodded. I began to feel normal again, the world returning to clarity. I considered opening my mouth to release him from the enchantment but hesitated. If we were going to make it through this temple, I didn’t need to risk weakness. Compelling him a few more minutes and making sure I was strong would be wise.

Plus, I had him here under my spell.

This was my moment.

I could discover how he really felt about everything between us.

It was a massive intrusion of privacy. He’d known that though and offered himself up for it. He trusted me, and I shouldn’t betray that. But my heart ached over his rejection. The memory poured back through my mind like the water rushing through the temple. Sai’s skin warmed in the firelight, his mouth on mine, our bodies joining. It had felt like more to me, but then he passed me off.

I raised my chin. “Did you regret having sex with me?”

“No.”

“Is sex just a casual thing for you?”

“Usually.” His answer came without hesitation and his eyes kept the foggy filter of the magic. I longed to see them sparkle with his powers, light up as they landed on me.

“What was sex with me like?”

“It was like understanding what heaven is. It was the most right I’ve ever felt.”

That’s how it was for me too. I blinked away the sting of tears. I shouldn’t keep up this line of questioning. It was too personal and none of my business, but the temptation was too strong to fight. “How do you feel about me? Do you wish we’d never met?” I sang.

“I wish we’d met sooner.” Sai stared beyond me. “The way I feel for you is like how I feel when the sun rises in the morning and lights the mist up over the palace grounds. We haven’t known each other long, but being with you feels like coming home.”

For a moment I said nothing as water rushed around us and the mist gave a haze to the shadows of the room. That’s what I’d been seeking my whole life—home. He’d given me the potential of home. At one point I’d imagined he was my future, my North Star. But then he’d handed me over to Lennox like it was nothing. Luz had instructions to pay me and release me from their group and his life. “You have regrets with me, though, don’t you?” My voice wobbled.

“Yes.”

“What are they?”

He remained upright, his hands resting on his thighs. “I regret not telling you the truth and not trusting you. I regret being so afraid of admitting to myself how I feel for you.”

A tremble shook through me from fear of asking the next question. I wasn’t sure I was ready to face it, but the words spilled from me in a whisper anyway. “How do you feel for me?”

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