Page 40 of Falling for Roxanne

“Daddy! I’m a big boy!” he protested. I nodded and let him walk, even though I wanted to baby him. I’d been so shaken when I got the call he was hurt. I wanted to just cradle him and protect him from everything. Instead, I held his hand and let him choose a drive thru meal for a treat.

He chattered about having his friends sign his cast and about how he wanted me to find a YouTube video on how to draw a scary robot so I could draw one really big on his cast for him. He ate his cheeseburger and fries and laughed when he did a big burp from the soda. We sat on the couch and ate ice cream and watched Wall-E after I changed him into his favorite robot pajamas.

“You were scared, right, Daddy?” he said.

“What?”

“You let me not take a bath and I got to have ice cream on a school night. You were scared, huh? Cause you always make me have a bath so I’m not stinky. But you let me be stinky today cause my arm got hurt,” he said.

“I was a tiny bit scared,” I admitted. “But you’re tough and I’m glad you’re okay. I love you,” I said, “and tomorrow I’ll make you take a bath because you can’t be stinky forever.”

“Sure I can. And I’m gonna give you a robot hug! You can’t escape!” he squealed and launched himself at me.

CHAPTER 22

ROXANNE

On Friday at the office, I noticed that Hamilton looked tired, a little the worse for wear. If he were another man, I’d wonder if he were badly hungover. Knowing him as I did, I recognize it must be related to his son’s accident.

“How’s the little guy?” I asked conversationally.

“He’s doing okay, thanks for asking,” he said, his voice strained.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m just worried about him. He’s not even complaining, but I hate the idea of him being in pain and all the activity limitations he has to deal with while he has the cast on.”

“Was he into having it put on? I bet he was really fascinated,” I said.

“He was. He’s a curious kid, and he’s at that age where he wants to know how everything works. He keeps asking to see his x-ray on my phone and looking at his book about the human body so he can find the same bone on a picture of the skeleton.”

“Wow. He sounds like a smart kid. It’s probably like most things—harder for you than it is for him. I’m sure it’s really difficult to see your child hurt or afraid. The fact that he was so curious about the process must mean he’s handling it okay,” I said.

“You’re probably right. But it tears me up inside, thinking of him falling like that, and it hurt, and he was scared and I wasn’t there. I’d do anything to spare him that, to just be able to protect him,” he said, running his hand through his hair.

I chewed my lower lip in silence. He was such a loving, protective father. I knew I should tell him about the baby, that he would love our baby the same way, and help take care of them. I felt a little smile forming on my lips, a hint of excitement to tell him. Even though it had been accidental, this pregnancy would be very much wanted, and I would get to share that with Hamilton, even if we weren’t together as a couple.

I tried to gather my words, figure out how to phrase this. I’d just ask him to come into the conference room I used as an office for a moment and sit down. Then I’d say something about how I knew we ended things between the two of us but that I had some news I wanted to share with him. I took a deep breath, but he started to speak, pacing and stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“I have no idea how people with more than one kid handle it. I’ve barely held it together the last few days with just one. One child is definitely more than enough anxiety for me,” he burst out.

I felt deflated, taken aback. I’d been on the verge of telling him about our baby, letting him in on the secret, when he announced that he couldn’t imagine life with more than one kid. My stomach plummeted in reaction to his words. I had my answer without ever asking the question in so many words. I’d be raising this baby alone.

No matter what Cathy said about how he’d be a good father, and he absolutely would, I wasn’t going to trap him into raising a baby with me when he didn’t want any more children. I was sure he’d do the right thing and spend time with the baby and pay child support and everything. But it would be something unfortunate that happened to him, something he didn’t really want in his life. His family was complete with just his son and him. He didn’t want more, and I wouldn’t force that on him against his will.

I wanted to burst into tears, but I held myself together. He was pacing and not really paying attention to me. I was so stunned by what he had said that I felt like I was rooted to that spot on the carpet. It was such a near miss on my part. Things would have gone so horribly wrong if I had spilled my secret about the baby. Heartbroken, I hurried into my office and shut the door.

I called Cathy, and she picked up instantly.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m just shaking is all. I was about to tell Hamilton right here at the office—he was talking about Colin. It was obvious what a loving father he is, and I wanted to tell him the truth, but then he just freaked out about how he didn’t know why people ever had more than one kid because the worry is just too much for him. So that’s it. That’s my answer. He’s one and done with Colin. And I’m out in the cold. I’m glad I didn’t say anything, because I would have been really devastated by his reaction, to tell you the truth,” I managed, sniffing and trying to hold back tears.

“Babe, he’s stressed out over his kid. People say things they don’t mean all the time, especially when they’re worried. Give him a chance.”

“I did. He literally just said that he does not want any more children. Do you need him to shout it in my face? This would be the worst kind of news he could get, especially given what happened with his son breaking his arm. I’m done. I can’t spill the beans and risk my career by betting that he’ll want to be involved. He’d either do it out of obligation and we’d all be miserable, or he’d have to find a polite way to tell me that he just didn’t want to be a part of the baby’s life at all. He’s so damn charming I’d probably end up thanking him,” I huffed. “I can’t let word get out that my baby is his, that I’m having my professor’s child. That would compromise my career and reputation just for the privilege of having him let me down easy. No thank you.”

“He has a right to know, Rox,” she insisted. I sighed loudly.

---