Page 29 of Falling for Roxanne

“It’s so interesting to me that you don’t feel comfortable using a dating app but you’re willing to torment yourself and flirt with a woman you consider off-limits. You’re only going to catch feelings for someone you know you can’t have, so there’s no risk involved. You don’t have to invest any real effort to negotiate how to balance work, fatherhood and dating, and you don’t have to put yourself out there with the danger of getting your heart broken again. You’re either in love with her, or you’re using her as a convenient excuse not to try for anything real. Which is it?”

“Neither. Either way you put it, I’m an asshole. I’m either unethical and sleazy for going after a student and falling for her, or else I’m a callous, emotionally stunted jerk who’s just using her. I don’t want to be either of those guys, Kyle. I should definitely not have called you. I should’ve known you’d hand me my ass.”

“It’s a strength of mine, what can I say?” he said. “And if you don’t want to be one of those guys, then stop being one. Stop pretending this was an accident and you wish it never happened. You wanted her, and you still do. You told me all the reasons why,” he said, his voice so kind that I almost couldn’t stand to hear the truth he was telling me. “I saw how hard it was on you, losing Heather. And you swore you’d never risk that again, losing someone so essential to you. It’s worth it, Hamilton. It’s worth what it would cost to lose her. Because having her, being with her is the greatest feeling. Mindy makes me whole, Hamilton. I don’t know that I’ve said that aloud, put it in that way before, in so many words. But if I only had her for a month, it would damn near kill me to live without her, but even if that was all we had, I’d rather have had that than nothing, than to let fear keep me away from being happy.”

“I hear what you’re saying. I do. I have a son, Kyle. I can’t—”

“Use him as an excuse to push people away forever,” he finished for me. “Do you think she would hate Colin or be jealous of the attention you gave him?”

“God, no! Why would you think that?”

“Because you’re acting like you have to protect him from her, when you’re using him to protect yourself.”

I couldn’t even refute him because I knew it was true.

“Look, I know how it can happen, how you can fall for someone when the situation is improper. You have to be careful, for both your sakes. And if you do love her, which at the end of the day, I believe you do, then you have to be patient, and wait it out.”

“I thought you were all for me serenading her about what you consider my obvious love. Now you’re saying back off? What happened to if you only had a month with Mindy and seizing the day?”

“I know it’s a lot to take in. What I’m saying is, be honest with her, and be careful. If it’s real, you can wait until the semester ends. It won’t stop being true, if you have something lasting. Don’t push her away and tell her it was a mistake and everything I did wrong with Mindy because you’ll only hurt her. But don’t serenade anyone. For one thing, you have a terrible voice, and for another, that’s just embarrassing. Nobody wants that.”

“Thanks. Add insult to injury. I lack self-awareness and hide behind my single parenthood to keep from putting myself out there, and also, I can’t sing,” I said wryly. He laughed.

“Yeah, that about covers it,” he agreed. “You deserve to be happy, and I want that for you, above all else. You’re a smart guy. Too smart to screw things up the way I did. Pushing her away, trying to control the entire situation and hurting both of us in the process.”

“Not to mention that you were about as pleasant to be around as a lion with a thorn in its paw,” I pointed out. “I remember it well.”

“You probably have PTSD from it,” he chuckled. “I was a mess and I know it. If my drama can save you some misery, I’ll gladly share the war stories. The shame and embarrassment and how I thought I could contain the fallout by micromanaging when it was too late.”

“I appreciate your advice, even if you are a blunt bastard sometimes.”

“What can I say? Marriage has softened me up. That’s why I’m only a blunt bastard some of the time now,” Kyle quipped.

“Everything about the situation spells trouble. I’m not in a position to jeopardize my career and end up having to quit law practice and be a consultant or something. Give professional trainings where I use the word ‘hustle’ as a verb instead of making a difference in the world.” I shook my head. “I needed to hear it from someone I trust. Because I don’t trust myself very much right now. I may—I know this sounds strange, but I may go back and see Terry, the therapist that helped me after I lost Heather. Maybe he could shed some light on why I haven’t been able to move on and start seeing anyone or why I’m suddenly interested in a student, of all people.”

“You think you need therapy?”

“I’m a big believer in it. Terry helped her a great deal when we found out her prognosis was terminal, and I kept seeing him for about a year.”

“But this isn’t bereavement, Hamilton. This is a problem that we know how to solve. Talk to this woman. If you both have feelings for each other, wait until she graduates to act on it, from this point on. Don’t so much as have a cup of coffee together until she’s no longer in your class or interning at your firm. This isn’t rocket science. I know it’s hypocritical of me to say it when I failed to take my own advice. I’d rather see you learn from my mistakes than suffer and hurt the woman you care for the way I did,” Kyle said.

I knew he was speaking from the heart, that he was willing to swallow his pride because of our long friendship and tell me the truth. Even when it was a truth that I hated and was already aware of.

“You can wait it out and save yourselves a lot of pain. You deserve to be happy, and that’s what I want for you,” he said.

“You wouldn’t be the man you are if you didn’t give it to me straight, Kyle. I know that. It doesn’t make it any easier to take, but I know what I’ve done wrong, and I have to make it right. Thanks for listening. Probably got more than you bargained for when you texted me.”

“I wouldn’t say that. Okay, I would. I’d say that I was just calling to see if you and Colin wanted to come for chili tomorrow night.”

“I’ll let you know,” I said, and hung up.

I had a lot to think about, and it was all uncomfortable. Guilt and shame were on the side of logic but yearning and loneliness were making a lot of noise, too. I knew the score, and I didn’t want to have the conversation I needed to have with Roxanne. It was going to be awkward and ugly, and the worst part wasn’t admitting I was wrong. The worst part was wondering if she had feelings for me beyond our blazing chemistry. Hearing her tell me that, no, she didn’t see any future for us was the only thing more terrifying than hearing her say that she did.

Either way, I was apprehensive. It felt dangerously like my heart being on the line.

CHAPTER 16

ROXANNE

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