Page 28 of Falling for Roxanne

So I settled in to watch the robot movie again while my son gave a running commentary on everything that was about to happen in the movie because he’s seen it so many times. He picked all the pepperoni off his pizza and made a pile with it and then ate those last. I was happy just watching him. He was purely himself, not trying to be anything he wasn’t, just comfortable in his skin and living his best life. That was what I wanted, the most important thing. That my little boy had a good, safe, healthy life and that I got the honor of guiding him and seeing him grow.

When he finished eating, he wiped his messy face with a napkin and then, unbidden, came over and crawled into my lap. I grinned at him.

“You’re the best daddy,” he said.

“Colin, you’re the best kid,” I told him, meaning it. “I love you.”

“I know,” he said and gave a silly laugh. Then he snuggled up to me and watched the movie. I could have sat like that forever. I never went for the phone that was in my pocket or thought of cleaning up the plates and pizza box or anything but what was perfect at that moment. This was the good stuff for sure.

When the movie was over, and he was so warm and cozy that I hated to make him get up, I picked Colin up and we got his bath ready. While he played with his boats, I piled bubbles on his head. He scooped up some bath bubbles and put them on my cheeks.

“Uh oh, Daddy needs to shave!” he giggled like a loon. I shook my head back and forth so the bubbles flew off and landed on him and he laughed harder. I wiped my face with a towel and got him cleaned off and in his pajamas. After the tooth brushing battle and a bedtime book, I tucked him in. He told me it was the best night of his life except for the bath part. I kissed his forehead, my sweet little boy, and turned on his nightlight.

When I had cleaned up the living room, I checked my phone and saw a message from Kyle. I called him back.

“What’s up?” he asked, “you’ve been radio silent for like a week.”

“I have something to tell you,” I said, steeling myself. “I slept with Roxanne.”

“The intern? She’s your student, Hamilton,” he said, frustrated. “I know I don’t have any room to talk about that situation myself, but I had hoped you’d think twice, knowing how much angst it caused Mindy and myself when we first got together. Are you prepared for the possible career consequences for both of you? Because if you have real feelings for her—which I know you do or you wouldn’t have laid a hand on her—you better make sure you both feel strongly enough about each other to weather that storm.”

“Kyle, it’s not like that.”

“Please don’t tell me this is different. It’s very similar to the situation I found myself in a couple of years ago. It isn’t different.”

“We’re not together. We were celebrating some good news on a case, and we got carried away. I know it was wrong and I told her that it’s a mistake. She agreed that it was improper, and we can continue to work together just like before.”

“Then why do you sound like you’re being led to execution, Ham? Could it be because you told what was probably a partly undressed woman in a vulnerable state that you didn’t want to see her again?”

“Ok, easy there, women’s studies professor,” I said. “We agreed that it was a mistake.”

“So, you panicked and said it’s a mistake. Of course, she’s going to act like you’re on the same page. The only thing more humiliating than trying to put your clothes back on while your lover tells you it’s over, is to beg that he will change his mind. Don’t you see that?” he said. “It’s not like I didn’t freak out and tell Mindy that we could never be together. I see how I was only thinking of my own concerns, the risks to my career, my self-concept, and that what I chose to say, while objectively accurate, was deeply unkind and selfish. She told me as much. How I hurt her by essentially discarding her after we made love for the first time. I know you’d never hurt her intentionally. But carelessly, we say things that really cut deeply.”

“Shit,” I grumbled, recalling her face, pale and tense, resigned when she spoke her agreement to my declaration that it had all been an awful mistake.

“Did you say you took full responsibility? Please say you didn’t,” Kyle said.

“No, I didn’t. She participated fully and there was enthusiastic consent,” I said wryly. “Why would I act like it was something I did to her? That I should be accountable for?”

“Because I said some crap like that when I was in your shoes, and it did not go down well. For the exact reasons you just said. I was arrogant and acting like she had been sort of an innocent bystander. Which was insulting, really insulting if you ask Mindy,” he said.

“Thanks for the advice, but this isn’t going to be a long-term relationship. I don’t have room in my life for that kind of conflict, about how our involvement could impact her graduation and my status with the Bar Association, not to mention what it would look like to potential employers if Roxanne was known to have been romantically entangled with her professor and boss. It sounds seedy and like she traded blow jobs for a cushy placement at my firm,” I said with disgust.

“Yeah, don’t do the negative self-talk. It’s destructive and just pushes you further apart. Are you really sure that you don’t have feelings for this woman?”

“Of course I have feelings, but they’re not romantic. I have respect and admiration for her resilience and her work ethic. She’s bright and funny and full of energy, and she’s very generous with her time and her compassion, her openness. Even about a painful aspect of her past.”

“She was the intern with the dad in jail, right?”

“Ten years, wrongful conviction,” I said. “Yes. It was a powerful application. It’s why I chose her. She’s very brave about sharing herself and her experiences. I think it’s just, she has a warmth, a quality that makes you feel that you can trust. The only one who doesn’t really care for her is my paralegal and that’s because on some level he knows she’s much better at his job than he is. I’m very proud of the work she’s done on this appeal to get a conviction overturned, and I’m going to miss her when the internship is over. She’ll do great things, and I’ll think about texting her seven or eight times a day, a meme or a TikTok or some new restaurant that’s opening that I’d love to hear her opinion about…it’s remarkable how quickly she made a place for herself in my….” I trailed off before I could go further.

“Which part of that incredibly detailed speech is supposed to convince me that you’re not already half in love with her? Because you just gave me an essay on her personality, finest qualities and the general longing you experience toward her. She’s made a place for herself in your heart, not just in your office as a temporary intern. If you still think that’s all she is, you’re only bullshitting yourself,” Kyle said in his typical, take-no-prisoners manner.

“I told you, I admire her work and think she has the sort of energetic idealism that can carry her far in the legal profession. When she finds someone ten years from now and settles down, I’ll send flowers. I’ll wish them the best.”

“You’ll hate his guts,” Kyle laughed. “That was not the least bit convincing. Don’t give me that benevolent martyr routine either about how raising your son is enough for you. Colin is a fantastic kid, and you’re a great father. But kids grow up and have their own lives, and you deserve to have someone to share your life with.”

“Yeah, maybe when he’s older and definitely not one of my students, Kyle. Maybe when he’s in middle school I’ll download a dating app. Or maybe not.”

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