Page 2 of Falling for Roxanne

And I’d learned to recognize the signs of a coming tantrum. He had handled the news about getting his hair cut pretty well, but he’d still be stressed about that going into the shoe debate. I had to decide if I wanted to push the sneakers and deal with the fallout when he was refused his chosen shoes for the day, or if I wanted to negotiate.

I was a lawyer. Negotiation was part of the job and arguing was the rest of it. I found through experience that arguing with my son was only to be undertaken when safety was in question.

As long as he was safe and healthy, and his choice didn’t risk any kind of harm, I let him be himself. Even if he was a kid who wore the same robot shirt three times a week, hated having his hair washed, and had a bedtime routine so elaborate that it was how I imagined members of foreign royalty had to be treated, I was so grateful that he was mine, that I was chosen to be his dad. Colin was the greatest gift of my life, and even when he drove me crazy, I never forgot that.

As he stomped back and forth down the hallway, I knew I was smiling, and I couldn’t help glancing to my left. I knew what I was missing. Instinct had told me to look over, to meet his mother’s eyes and exchange an exasperated, adoring smile over our little boy.

Heather should be here, I thought again, she had missed so much. She never got to know him before the cancer took her. I’d been raising him on my own all this time, since he was a baby. It was all I’d ever known as a dad, but there were still moments when I would look over and wish I had someone to parent with, someone else who knew my son as fully as I did, who was overjoyed by him and entertained by him and worried sick I was screwing up parenting at least half the time.

Sometimes it was lonely, not having someone to share parenting Colin with, to laugh over the things he said or to sit in amazed silence over how fast he was growing and changing. Someone who would understand when I suddenly felt choked up at the bittersweet feeling of watching him get bigger and more independent every day. I forced my face into a happy expression and joined him in the hall.

“Hey, it looks like you really want to wear your boots. We’ll put the sneakers in your backpack, and you can put them on for gym,” I said, announcing an easy compromise. They were Velcro shoes so he could put them on himself.

Once I had him buckled into his car seat, I headed to his school.

“Is the ballgame today?” he said.

“Nope. It’s coming up this weekend. We’ll look at the calendar before bed tonight and go over how many more sleeps until you get to see the game,” I said.

“I want my hat. It’s a real baseball man hat and I’m gonna see the game and they’ll know I’m a real baseball man too. On my game my guy had all the home runs, and the hat is what gets you the high score. I love going to the Giants that is my best day it is my favorite and I want to wear my hat…” he chattered along.

“It’s going to be your first game. How do you know it’s your favorite? You really liked the zoo when we went there.”

“I liked the zoo when I was little. I’m big and they are gonna know I’m a real baseball man cause in my game I—”

“We’re here, buddy. I’m going to come around and unfasten you and you can hop out.”

I parked in the drop off lane and unbuckled Colin. I checked that his backpack was zipped up and his water bottle lid was on tight so it wouldn’t spill. I told him I loved him and gave him a big hug. “Aunt Jeanie’s going to get you after school. I’ll see you later.”

He turned around and hurried up to the teachers who were working the drop off lane. I waved and drove off. There was always a small minute of feeling choked up to drive off and leave him there.

The idea that he was big enough to go to school now and spend the day learning new things while I went to work just blew my mind sometimes. I didn’t let myself look in the rear-view mirror, because part of me would always want to turn around and go get him, so we could play hooky for a day and just spend it together.

Instead, I hurried to my office and made it through the door by eight, but not a minute early. Sydney, my secretary, gave me my messages while I scrolled through my emails, shifting my mindset to all business.

“Has Devon run through the discovery on the Walters case yet?” I asked her, referring to the paralegal I employed.

“Not yet. He was running a little behind after the new orders on the Cunningham appearance came in,” she said.

“Okay, I’ll touch base with him about it.”

“Are you going to take on a partner, or just drown in work?” she asked jokingly.

“I don’t have time to look for a partner, much less vet them to see if I’d be able to work with them long term. It’s the catch-22 of being successful—I have to shoulder it all myself when there’s no downtime to look for anyone to hire.”

“You could always advertise, use a staffing service, trust your loyal secretary to investigate the applicants…” she offered.

“You do more than enough around here without being responsible for hiring as well.”

“I’m not just your assistant. I’m also the office manager,” she pointed out. “Since you let me hire the part-time girl to answer phones in the afternoons, I gave myself a managerial title.”

“Great. As long as you’re happy with the help and the title,” I teased.

“You also gave me a raise, if you don’t remember.”

“I remember. You deserve it,” I said. “Thanks for everything, Syd.”

“You’re welcome. I’m not just giving you a hard time, Ham. I know how much paperwork you’re doing, how many conference calls and court appearances. I keep the schedule. And I can tell you that you’re going to wake up one day, and Colin’s going to be driving and you’ll wonder where the time went. Same thing happened to my ex.”

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