Page 1 of Elicit (Decadence After Dark)

I love her and that’s the beginning and end of everything

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

I’M STARTLED AWAKE BY Ashrill cry.

I glance at the clock glowing in the darkness. 3:17 a.m. The ear-piercing shriek happens again, and London stirs, muttering profanities in her sleepy state. I place my hand on her back.

“Stay. I’ve got it.”

No protest. Only a relieved sigh as she rests her head back on the pillow.

I pad down the hallway, bleary and barefoot, following the source of the disturbance. Flicking on the small, lamb lamp, I meet the culprit’s awake blue eyes and gummy smile. She screams again, in excitement this time, as I approach her.

“Little girl.” I hoist Shia up out of her crib. “You need to let your mommy rest. We thought your sister was bad, but I believe, my darling, you take the cake.” I sit in the pink and white striped glider with my wiggly six-month-old climbing up my chest. She just wants to be held. Always wants to be held. “You need to start crawling”—I rock with her arms latched around my neck—“so the house can sleep.” I yawn, silently thanking the stars above I’m the only one she woke up.

A tiny giggle and happy feet are her response.

I stare down at her adorable, chubby face as she stares up. “Eyes just like your mommy with insomnia to match. She never used to sleep, either.” I rock a little harder, whispering to her. “But she wanted you. She wanted you so much.” She chortles as I nuzzle her little neck. “She didn’t think she deserved you. Or me or love or happiness. But I set her straight.” I smile haughtily to myself, recalling the past. Recalling my wife and her strength despite all her struggles. Allourstruggles.

Shia fights falling asleep, breathing hard, squirming to stay awake.

“You’re not going to miss anything, baby,” I hum in her ear, coaxing her to relax. “We’ll all be here in the morning to love you.” I used to tell London the same thing when she couldn’t sleep. Wouldn’t sleep. Downright refused.

That seems like a lifetime ago, considering she sleeps like the dead now.

Also my doing.

I rest my head on the back of the chair and close my eyes, hoping the smooth glide and my steady breathing will soothe the beast.

No such luck.

I add a lulling tone. This isn’t the first time I’ve wrestled an alligator. I know the drill.

“What story shall I tell you tonight? Perhaps the princess one again?” I rock and rub her little butt, littered with cupcakes on the onesie pajamas from Aunt Ellie and Uncle Kayne.

“Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess,” I start. “Who was controlled by an evil sorcerer . . .”

The past

I WISH HE WOULD JUSTkill me already.

I float in a black space of pain as my head is submerged underwater, my lungs burn desperate for air, and my body sodomized. The relentless drill of my Master’s hips and an iron grip on the back of my neck keeps me restrained. I start to unconsciously struggle as the rapid loss of oxygen suffocates me. My limbs spontaneously twitch as I fall away into a terrifying darkness.Please let this be it. Let the suffering end.

I welcome death.Or at least the tease of it seconds before I completely black out.

I never reach the euphoric escape, because he knows exactly how long to trap me in hell. Pulling my head out of the water, he beats into my abused little asshole as I sputter, cough, and choke until he comes. A stomach turning growl reverberates from his throat as he rips me open with one lone punishing thrust. I nearly throw up from the god-awful pain. As soon as he’s done with me, he lets go, allowing my limp body to crash to the ground. I have no energy left to stand or fight or even live. I shiver, cold and naked on the dirty floor. A shell of the person I used to be. A person I barely remember.

After zipping his leather pants, he crouches down next to me. I cower. Master grabs a fist full of my hair and yanks so I look him directly in the eyes. Dark, terrible, soulless eyes.

“Who are you?” he asks in his thick Russian accent.

“No one,” I immediately respond.

“What are you?”

“Nothing.”

And I believe it. I am nothing. He made it so.

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