Page 70 of Disgrace

“I want to see her.” I state flatly

“I’m sorry, sir, next of kin only.” The doctor straightens in response to my audible growl.

“Well, she doesn’t have a next of kin so—”

“Actually, she does.” Leon shrugs sheepishly, but silences me with his statement.

“Mr Castell?” The doctor looks at his chart and back up to Leon, who is standing awkwardly beside me. “You may go and see her now. She has just woken up and is still a little groggy. It is up to herifshe wants to see anyone else.” He flashes me the stink eye.

“What is that supposed to mean?” It takes all my effort not to shout or tear this obnoxious adolescent in a white coat a new arsehole, but he has just fixed up my girlfriend, so I am trying to be nice.

“She was very insistent that she wants no visitors except Mr Castell.” He turns and walks away, leaving me bleeding from the verbal knife wound to my heart. What the fuck. She hates me. She hates me because I didn’t save her sooner.Ihate me because I didn’t save her sooner, but I am gutted she feels the same. I feel hollow, sick, like my guts have been wrenched out and broken with my heart beating its last, trampled as it is on the floor. I stumble to take a seat, winded and useless. My reason to breathe wants nothing to do with me. Where do I even go from here?

“She hates me.” I choke out. Will sits beside me.

“She doesn’t hate you but…but she looks pretty bad and she told me on the boat…” He hesitates and looks over at Leon.

“What? What did she tell you?” I interrupt.

“She made me promise that you wouldn’t see her like this.” He lets out a deep breath.

“What the fuck, Will?” I am stunned.

“She said you always called her beautiful, and she couldn’t bear for you to look at her, well…I guess like I did.” He shrugs by way of explanation.

“This is bullshit. Of course I call her beautiful. She is…she is a beautiful person. I love her…everything about her, and I don’t get the chance to prove that because she thinks I’m that shallow I can’t see beyond a few scars.” I drag my hands through my hair utterly exasperated.

“It’s a lot of scars, Jason.” Will’s voice softens.

“It won’t be that.” Leon interrupts. “It won’t be that at all. She might say that now because she’s raw but she doesn’t believe that of you. I’m positive.” His words have an instant calming effect on me. “Her insecurities will come from Richard. They always came from him and her mother. She loves you but she is scared, that’s all. She’s defending her heart the only way she knows how.”

“By blocking me out?” He nods and I stand abruptly. “Not fucking happening, and I’m coming with you, understand?” I stride off, and Leon is quick to catch me, but he wisely doesn’t stop me. We are in the right place for the mood I’m in if anyone tries to stop me.

She croaks out Leon’s name, and he rushes to her outstretched arm. She wraps him in a tight embrace and closes her eyes. She doesn’t see me. My heart breaks that I’m not the first person she calls for but that’s now, and it doesn’t have to stay that way. I take a moment to compose myself because Will wasn’t lying when he said she is cut to shreds. Angry lines trace a pattern down the cheek I can see she’s pressed against Leon’s head. I have no doubt the other side is the same. Her arms are a series of stripes of varying thickness but all a deep crimson. Some of her skin is covered with large patches of gauze I assume to prevent infection of the deepest cuts. I hear her gasp, and her eyes meet mine. I keep my face impassive. If any emotion shows at all, it is certainly not pity, anger or hurt maybe, but not pity. She doesn’t want it and I don’t feel it. I just feel relief and a fuck tonne of love.

I walk into the room and Leon moves back. I sweep in and surround her, my arms thread around the back of her head and around her waist. As carefully as I can, I bring her into my hold, avoiding the tubes that still connect her to machines and drips. Her eyes sparkle and shine with tears, and her lip trembles. She opens her mouth to speak but it’s been too long. I cover her words with my urgent lips; my tongue slides in to taste her. Oh God, I’ve missed her sweet taste. She moans into my mouth, and I can’t help the grin that starts to pull at the corners of my kiss. But I’m not finished. My fingers tease and entwine in her hair, gently massaging and eliciting more sensual sounds that I adore. My tongue swirls and twists with hers, and she is quick to engage, which fills me with utter joy. Both breathless, we part when Leon coughs and motions that he is going to wait outside. Her eyes fill with a flash of panic, and I let out a warning grumble that makes her look a little embarrassed.

“Jason, I didn’t want you to see me like this,” she whispers but won’t meet my glare.

“So I understand, and how happy do you think that makes me?” My tone is stern but hides the hurt I feel. She has enough to deal with without more guilt.

“I couldn’t bear the thought of …” She bites her lips shut.

“Of what, precious?” Her eyes glaze, and I stroke her cheeks, marred and ridged with the welts and swollen, broken tissue. “Of looking at the most beautiful woman in the world and hating myself that I didn’t save you from all this?”

“Please don’t call me beautiful, and it isn’t your fault, Jason. I’m to blame.” She tries to pull away, but I hold her firm.

“Okay, let’s stop this right now shall we?” I tip her chin so she is looking directly into my eyes. She needs to see me as much as I need to see her. “Firstly, I will call you beautiful because you are, inside and out. I can’t imagine what fucked up nonsense is going through your head to believe I would think any different, but we will deal with that together.” She blinks rapidly as tears pool in the corner of her deep chocolate coloured eyes. “And secondly, it’s no more your fault than it is mine. I hate that I couldn’t get to you sooner but none of this is your fault.”

“If I hadn’t taunted him at the club.” Her voice is heavy with guilt and desperation.

“If I hadn’t snubbed Peitra. There are a thousand if’s, Sam. The bottom line is he was a bad man, and at the risk of repeating myself none of it was your fault.”

“Lolli was my fault.” Her voice catches, and it is barely a whisper as it is. I lean in closer when she continues to speak. “If I hadn’t taken her phone. She would still be alive.”

“Who would? You saved those girls, Sam. There were fifteen of them in that freezer. They are all alive because of you.” I take a tissue and dab the fresh wet streaks on her cheek, which must sting something fierce.

“I’m glad, but Lolli…” She swallows and shakes her head, her eyes cloud with unbearable pain. “He killed Lolli right in front of me because I used her phone when she was out of the room. She was just a child, Jason. I promised to save her, but he killed her because you guys showed up and he knew I had sent the message.”

---