Page 61 of Disgrace

“I’m not lying, Lolli trust me. I really, really don’t want to be here. Please help me get out. Then you can have your master all to yourself.” Her eyes sparkle at that last part but cloud with something that looked a lot like fear. Do stupid people feel fear? Because she has to be the dumbest person ever if she doesn’t believe what I am saying.

“He said you would say that too. That’s why he is the Master.” She tips her head acknowledging her misplaced wisdom. “But you are very convincing. I’ll give you that.” She waggles her finger at me like some naughty child. “I can see I am going to have to watch you, Sweetheart.”

I get a sudden pool of liquid in the back of my throat, it’s acrid and it burns. I swallow it down, I’m dangerously dehydrated because I must be hallucinating. “What did you call me?”

“Sweetheart. My Master said that is your name. That is your new name,” she states.

“Oh, God.” My voice catches, and I squeeze my eyes tight. If I could reach my temples I would rub the instant pain that is piercing my skull like an ice pick. This can’t be happening.

“Consider yourself lucky. The other girls don’t get names, and if you don’t get a name—” She looks at the closed door and steps back over to me, carefully avoiding the vomit on the floor. “You have a name. Trust me, that’s a good thing.” She opens her mouth to say more, but the noise from outside causes a flash of pure fear to distort her pretty face, and she rushes back across the room. The door opens and in steps a vision from my nightmares.

“Ah, Sweetheart, you’re awake.” Richard’s sardonic grin crawls across his face. Lolli has dropped to her knees, and I can see her tremble.Fucking bastard.

“I have a name you piece of shit!” I snap. My eyes bore into his, Lolli is trying to disappear, curling in on herself, but I don’t break my gaze. He laughs but there is no humour in his cold eyes, and he quickly falls silent. He takes two long strides, and is flush against my bed. He towers over me. His six foot one frame looks so much taller from down here. He traces his finger along my cheek, and I snap my head away. It’s the only part of my body I can move, and he doesn’t get to touch me without a fight. He grabs my chin and forces me to hold still. His nails digging in harder than necessary. His eyes darken as I try to stop mine from watering. He leans down so close I can see the individual perfectly trimmed hairs on his new beard.

“It’s okay, Sweetheart, don’t hold back. I’ve missed your tears.” I grit my teeth and the tiny amount of liquid I have been savouring on my tongue I launch at his face.

“You fucking little bitch. You will pay for that!” He pulls a piece of silk from his top pocket and pats his face dry. I can’t help the satisfied smile that beams across my face even if I know it will be short-lived. “You will fucking pay for that, Sweetheart.” He snarls the last word like that is a cruel promise.

“My name is Sam.” My glare, I pray, would by some timely gift of supernatural power, burn the flesh from his bones, but sadly no. His face is inscrutable until he chooses to simply widen his evil grin. He takes a moment, my skin crawls and my body is cooled by an ominous chill. Drawing his clenched fist back, he swings.

“Not anymore, Sweetheart.”

An incredible cramping in my stomach wakes me, but I don’t bother crying out. No one comes, but if I’m honest, I prefer it like that. I think it has been a few days since Richard graced me with his presence but I could be wrong. With no daylight and falling in and out of consciousness, time is a very abstract concept. But I have had twelve meals at somewhat regular intervals. Lolli brings my food, and I use the term loosely, undercooked rice and tuna so dry I wouldn’t feed it to a cat. I was reluctant to eat at first but my hunger gnawed a painful knot in my tummy that kept me awake, and sleep is the only thing keeping me sane. Although she hasn’t spoken since that first time, I don’t mind Lolli so much. She always has a bright smile that looks wholly out of place in my living nightmare. I am not so keen on the big guy that accompanies each visit. He leers at me like I’m a piece of meat. But then I am laid out almost naked, on a slab so the simile is not wasted on me.

He stands guard as I eat and watches over me as I take care of business in the corner over the smallest bucket I have seen. I don’t remark about the useless size of receptacle, because I know it will be deliberate. The fact that I can’t use it without pissing on myself would amuse Richard. He always did love to humiliate me, but I’m not that girl anymore, and I won’t give him the satisfaction. I do stink though, and would happily kill for a shower and a toothbrush.

The door opens, but Lolli isn’t carrying a tray. She bounces over leaving the door wide and starts to unbuckle my straps. I get a momentary surge of adrenaline thinking she is alone and I could easily overpower her, but then the familiar dark shadow of the hulk fills the doorway.

“Up, up you get, lazy bones,” she says in a sing song voice, smiling sweetly. Her hair is braided in two plaits, and she is wearing a short-short pleated skirt and a button-down blouse that is tied in a sexy knot at her midriff. I know the look she is going for but today she looks very young with no makeup and wide, bright blue eyes.

“How old are you, Lolli?” She helps me up. I am eager to make some sort of bond with her now that she’s allowed to speak, at least for the time being. She may not be the sharpest tool on the box, but she has been kind. If I can get her to understand that I am being held against my will, then maybe she might help me. I don’t hold much hope, if Richard is really hermaster.But I have to hope, it’s all I have.

“Oh, I’m sixteen in three weeks.” Her eyes light with excitement but my mouth suddenly fills with vomit that spills into my cupped hands. I rush over to the bucket and empty my hands and what’s left in my mouth, hacking up to clear my throat. There is no toilet paper, anothermindfuck,so I just rub my hands together until they are dry. I feel so ill. I turn to face this child. I keep my face impassive because she doesn’t need to see my horror. My judgement is reserved for the monster she calls Master. I’ll cut his bollocks off the first chance I get.

“How long have you been with Richard?” I swallow and steal myself for her answer. She looks confused and I realise she would never refer to him by his name. “Yourmaster…”—I grit out the word—“how long have you been with him?”

“Oh, three years.” She nods enthusiastically. “I’m very lucky; most girls don’t last that long. That’s why I know I am the favourite.”

“Jesus Christ, Lolli, what about your family?” I gasp.

Her face falls and she drops her gaze. “I don’t have one. I was in a foster home but ran away. I seemed to grow these big boobs overnight and that’s when the dad started to touch me. My Master saved me, Sweetheart.” Her voice softens, and I can hear her adoration. It chills my soul.Out of the frying pan…

She tips her head for me to follow, and I notice that the hulk has stepped away from the door. I reach over and grab her hand.

“Lolli, I can help you…Let me help you. We can escape together.” I plead but her eyes widen with disbelief.

“Why would I want to escape?” She sniffs out an incredulous laugh. “The Master is wonderful.” She leans in to whisper. “He wasn’t in the beginning, so learn from my mistakes, Sweetheart, and just do everything he says…immediately.” Her eyes are grave with warning.

“You enjoy the way he treats you?” I have to be careful because I can see how deeply she cares for Richard. I find it repugnant, but this is her reality, if not her free will, speaking.

“Not all the time.” She shrugs lightly. “But if I’m good he doesn’t need to punish me. He hates to punish me.” She smiles again, and her face lights up. My heart breaks a little more. “I love him, Sweetheart, why would I ever leave him?” She shakes her head lightly. “Besides he’d kill me if I tried.” She flashes me a look that is filled with truth and wisdom well beyond her young years. I swallow thickly.

We walk along a narrow corridor past a laundry room, boiler room and massive kitchen. We continue to walk, and by the time we have climbed several levels, each becoming more luxurious, I realise this is no ordinary boat. It’s some sort of super-yacht. These things cost hundreds of millions. I had no idea Richard was this wealthy. Lolli opens the door to a grand suite. A super-super king sized bed dominates the room, raised as it is on a platform. Tinted windows stretch the length of the far wall and I suck in a sharp breath.Sunlight!I don’t think, I just rush over and gaze, this is my first glimpse of daylight in days, and it’s stunning. Crystal clear blue skies and an endless ocean in every direction this view affords. My heart both lifts and sinks at the sight. From this aspect I can see no land and on a boat this size we could literally be in the middle of nowhere.

“Fuck, what is that god awful smell?” Richard’s voice drowns out the noise of Lolli hitting the floor with her sudden and expected display of supplication. I turn and walk over so I am as close to him as I can voluntarily stomach. He recoils from the odour that surrounds me like a force field but doesn’t step back. I take a big sniff in his direction.

“That would be you.” I state calmly even if my nerves are alert and poised for anticipated impact. But he doesn’t strike me, he smiles that creepy slow grin that makes me more nauseous than any six foot swell.

---