Page 26 of Shattered Desires

My breath hitches in my chest, heart beating out of control, but for some reason, I step forward. I don’t know how he doesn’t see my chest rising and falling so quickly, too quickly. Maybe he does, but he doesn’t act like it. He’s calm and collected, so far from how I feel.

“Can I?” This time, he asks me. When I don’t refuse, he takes my arm and rolls up the long black sleeve of my Talking Heads shirt. I expect him to shrink backward, to at least gasp. Do something that shows how shocked he is to see such an ugly display of cuts traveling the length of my forearm.

But he doesn’t.

He stays.

He looks down at my arm, and he doesn’t flinch backward, he doesn’t scrunch up his face or drop my arm in disgust.

He stays.

Taking my arm, he moves me closer to the sink as the blood spills from the too deep slash. Placing it under the water, he lets the lukewarm stream run softly over my skin. The red liquid swirls down the drain, wanting one last chance to save itself from the unknown.

I refuse to watch him, although my body is begging me to look at the boy who is somehow, for some reason, quite literally healing my wounds. Instead, I focus on breathing, on taming my wild heart and not reading too much into why he cares enough to do this.

After the cut is rinsed, he gently pats my arm dry with a clean white cloth he finds in a drawer. He places two thick bandages—one on top of the other—over the cut and rolls my sleeve back down, his hand lingering around my wrist for a second longer than needed.

“My name’s Spence,” he says, taking my chin between his finger and thumb, tilting it so I look up and directly at him. “Just Spence.” His eyes latch on to mine. His skin isn’t fair like mine, not too pale and too pasty. It’s beautiful, more olive than white. Warm.

“Thank you,” I say, “Spence.” My heart still pounds in my chest like a drum. I take a step backward, feeling like the room is closing in on us, the silence hanging in the air between us deafening.

“What’s your name?”

“Declan,” I say. “Just Declan.”

He smiles for the first time—no, not a smile, a smirk. “Hi, just Declan.”

I force myself out of the memory and look back at Spence just in time to see him and the girl exchange numbers, swapping phones. I pull my own back out of my pocket again in an attempt to distract myself.

“I’ll hit you up, Daphne,” he calls after her as she strolls away, making a show of swaying her hips, although she’s swaying nothing because she has zero ass. Stop it. We’re not judging a fellow woman because the guy you like is into her. We aren’t doing that.

Daphne. Her name would be Daphne. She’s definitely a Daphne.

“What’s so funny, Dec?” Spence looks at me, finally turning back toward where the rest of us stand.

“Nothing,” I say, meeting his eyes just as Sabine rounds the corner. “Look, she must have rebalanced her chakras. Let’s do the damn thing so we can get out of here before we’re old and washed up.”

The guys and I get back into place as Sabine rattles off a bunch of directions. She has another new idea, and this time, it’s the best idea she’s ever had. She’s said that at least a dozen times today, and I don’t believe her anymore.

Swinging my bass down over my shoulders, I run my hand up its neck, feeling the cool metal strings under my fingers. I can’t wait to be playing shows again. I’ve missed that the most. We’ve played small places like Iconic, but we’ve yet to go on tour under our own label. Being back up in front of thousands of people is where I want to be. The thrill, the excitement, and the rush I get in front of a larger-than-life crowd sends a chill down my spine. I miss it.

Maybe if I were out playing shows, I’d have less time to think about Spence and Kade in this tormenting way.

***

15

***

SPENCE

I wake up feeling like complete shit the morning after the music video shoot. I stayed out later than I anticipated with Daphne, the blonde I met on set. Now, as I roll over and look at her lying in bed next to me, I feel sick.

I used to do this, and often, in high school, especially after Kade and Declan were an item. I’d bring home any girl to forget about Declan. I’d drown my sorrows deep in another woman’s pussy and not think twice about it. Now that I’m back in Chicago and the reality is hitting me in the face again, I’m picking up old behaviors that should stay in the past.

I walk to my bathroom and slip into the shower, letting the hot water wash away my sins from last night. Another night that led into morning. I don’t even know how long I stay in the same spot, the water trickling down my shoulders, rolling down my body, as memories from last night come flooding back to the forefront of my mind.

The video shoot for the band was fun. If that’s what work is going to be like from here on out, I think I can take it. Minus that Sabine lady. She’s a fucking trip.

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