Page 21 of Defending Our Ever After

I’m not sure how long it is before the others migrate from the table toward where we’re standing, already negotiating over which board game to play tonight.

Sliding my foot forward, I nudge Trisha’s foot and she shifts her eyes from Sara’s face to mine.

“I am going to put her to bed. Do you want to play Battleship?” I ask her, hoping that game will be as easy as I think it will be to communicate, and it will be a lot less overwhelming for her than playing Monopoly or Life with a handful of people.

Besides, it’s my favorite and Dylan is usually the only one who will play it with me.

*

Early the next morning, I shift my eyes to the far side of the window; the curtain doesn’t quite reach all the way across the pane of glass and I have learned to gauge the time by the amount of light that hits the far wall. Next, I look over to the crib and am equally relieved that Sara isn’t staring at me, silently willing me to pick her up.

These mornings have come to be my favorite, when I can just lie here and stretch out my limbs, taking inventory of which muscles are the sorest before I start planning out the day. My schedule tends to be lighter than that of the other men in my age bracket, at first due to showing up here half-starved, and later to make sure I would have time with my daughter during the waking hours.

No one ever hassled me about it—other than Jace’s barbed comments when he made his feelings clear early on, but he has backed off a bit. I look forward to spring, when I’ll be able to keep Sara with me for some of my chores, but for now we really only take her outside when the sun is shining.

I spoke to Elsbeth and will ask Trisha her opinion, but I constantly worry about how Sara will build immunities when she is growing up in a bubble.

“Hey, Trisha.”

I hear Jace’s voice in the hallway and strain my hearing to make sure I hear the rest.

“I thought I could show you my house this morning.” Are the next words I hear, and I sit up once I realize that Trisha hasn’t said a word. “Have you used snowshoes before?”

The bed creaks loudly as my weight shifts. Planting my feet on the ground, I look up to see Sara’s eyes open.

“Ah, you are awake, baby girl,” I say, much louder than necessary. My voice acts as an invite for her to start chattering, and I open the door on the way to her crib, trying my best to look surprised when I see Jace and Trisha.

“Oh! Hey, can one of you grab some wipes for me? Looks like we’re out in here,” I say, keeping my face trained on Trisha’s.

She quickly nods and turns back to the linen closet, as Jace turns to give me a dirty look.

“How did the night watch go?” I ask him.

“It was quiet. Like every other night,” he says, raising his voice with each word. “This whole guarding the land like it’s Fort Knox is bullshit, because it is not Fort Knox. Can you imagine the lucky son-of-a-bitch who’s raided that place?”

With that, he turns and heads into the bathroom, not even waiting for my response. Because I’ve lived among the type of people who have been raiding. Taking things from others is easy, maintaining possession of the things worth stealing? That’s a whole different skill set.

“Do you want me to get my equipment and check her now?” Trisha asks, extending her arm with a fresh package of wipes.

“That would be great,” I tell her, waiting until she turns around to dodge back into my room and hide the half-full package of wipes that are sitting next to my daughter’s crib.

Once she returns, I excuse myself to hit the head, but pause in the doorway upon my return. Trisha is peering into Sara’s ears and feeling her glands, all the while oblivious to Sara’s cooing sound and my heart breaks a little. I wish Trisha could hear one of my favorite things in this world.

“Oh,” she says, looking up before glancing at her stethoscope. “I guess I forgot that this is pretty useless to me now. Could you please listen to her heart and tell me the rhythm you hear?”

“Um, should I get Elsbeth or Julia to do this?” I ask, not knowing if I’m qualified for this.

“If you’re more comfortable, but I think you’ll be able to distinguish if something doesn’t sound right. Maybe tap out the rhythm?”

Holding the silver end to Sara’s chest, I start nodding my head after a moment.

“Hey, you know that Phil Collins song? In the Air Tonight?” I sign to Trisha and she instantly looks confused.

“Yeah?” she draws out the word, turning it into a question.

“Her heart kind of sounds like the lead-in with the drums,” I sign to her, handing the stethoscope back to her.

“Go get Elsbeth for me please,” she sighs, wiping one of her hands down her face in dismay.

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