Page 83 of Selling Innocence

I wanted to ensure this girl never had to suffer again.

Chapter Seventeen

Kenz

I felt alive for the first time since this had all started. It was probably because I’d actually slept.

Not just an hour or two—I’d been out, sleeping deeply, for about thirteen hours. Those pills really did work wonders.

Other than how they loosen my tongue.

The meds made time feel as though it moved quicker, helping to settle my mind and panic attacks, but they also let me keep my memories.

“Are you all right?” Hayden asked from the driver’s seat of his car, me seated in the passenger spot.

“Yep. I just miss alcohol.”

He frowned but didn’t remove his gaze from the road. I’d found he was overly careful when he drove me anywhere, as though I was precious cargo that he worried about. “What do you mean?”

“At least if I get blackout drunk, I don’t have to remember what I did.” I sank down in the seat, folding my arms across my chest and staring out the other way.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling embarrassed, but I’m not sorry you were honest for once. I need to understand you to protect you properly.”

“Yeah, well, when you display all your worst memories and moments to everyone else, I’ll take your word on that. As far as I see it, you all aren’t telling me much of anything, either. So until you start tearing off scabs, I’m going to go ahead and tell you that I don’t need your advice.” Sure, I knew my words were sharp, that I came across like a shrew, but my feelings were too bruised to soften my tone.

I’d grown used to others having the upper hand, but this time, it bothered me. I didn’t like these men knowing that terrible part of my life, for them to know my own father hadn’t loved me.

If he can’t, how could anyone else?

Why did I care if they knew that? Why did that hurt so much more than I expected it to? Why were they suddenly that important to me? When I couldn’t come up with an answer, I sighed.

Hayden said nothing else about the conversation. Then again, there was nothing else I wanted to hear about it. Each time I thought about it, that I recalled what happened, that I experienced that flash of pain from the worst moment of my life, if felt like Hayden dug a needle into the wound.

He turned the car down another road, the city passing by us as I tried to ignore where we were headed. I didn’t want to think about what might happen, about what rested at the end of this trip.

Our meeting with Bradley about Lorien.

So far, I’d understood the danger, knew the risk against me, but it had been something without shape or form. It had been dark shadows reaching toward me, shifting and unknowable. After today, though, I’d at least have a voice to put with my own personal monster.

“I’ll keep you safe.” Hayden’s voice came out strong as he pulled into the small faculty parking lot at the University. He said it with so much confidence that it was impossible not to believe him, not to trust that he could do so.

And I did trust him, but I knew better than most that it didn’t matter how good a person’s security was—there were always holes in it. The Quad had made sure to teach me that.

“I know,” I told him as the car pulled to a stop.

“Then why do you look so nervous?”

“Shouldn’t I be? I mean, this feels like such a culmination of what’s going on. After everything that’s happened, this is the first real step toward the end we’ve taken.”

“Well, if we keep at it, you’ll be able to get back to your real life soon.”

“Real life, huh?” The words rested like bitterness on my tongue. I thought back to my days before them, when I’d worked on my art and gotten hassled by Nem and the Quad.

Was that real life? Avoiding anyone who might form a connection with me? Driving myself hard but with no real view of where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do?

I’d never felt bad about my life before, but it didn’t look nearly as shiny right now. In fact, the very idea of leaving that house, of returning to my big empty apartment made my palms sweat.I didn’t want to wake up to an empty place, to eat dinner alone.

Hayden got out of the car, but I waited as he’d instructed. He walked around, then opened my door for me. Given the higher risk factor involved here, he’d made sure to lecture me over breakfast about remaining right at his side. He’d even given me my gun—a surprise because I’d figured he wouldn’t trust me enough for that.

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