Page 23 of Run Like the Devil

Yazmor didn’t pretend he didn’t understand what I meant. “I’m not like the others. You know I’m not like them, so you don’t fear me in the same way.”

“They make fun of you sometimes, saying you’re not interested in sex.”

“Is that really a conversation you want to have right now?”

I gave myself a moment to consider his question. He wasn’t wrong, really. After the memory of what had happened, any discussion of sex felt dangerous. Somehow, though, Yazmor felt removed from that. Not to mention that it was a question I’d wanted to ask for a while, and the interest held my attention from things I didn’t want to think about.

I sighed and let all the things spinning around in my head pour from my lips. “I want to understand you better, and that distracts me.”

“Okay, but sit up. I want to get your hair washed.”

I did as he asked, the water deep enough that hunching forward slightly allowed the water to still hide almost everything.

“Tip your head back.” He poured water through my hair when I did so, careful enough that none got on my face. Next, his fingers moved through the strands, rubbing the scalp, and a lavender scent filled the room as he worked the shampoo through. “My world, my species wasn’t much like yours, like many of the others. You saw it—you should understand how different we were.”

“Hubis’ cycle was different, but they sure as fuck had those kinds of feelings…” Those words alone threatened to remind me of what I’d experienced, but I swallowed to keep in control.

Yazmor’s hands paused for a moment, then he let out a soft sigh. “Those drives have been part of most cycles, but not all. For mine, we lacked a sexual drive. Reproduction was done asexually.”

“So you aren’t interested at all?” I struggled to understand what he meant, to make sense of something that felt like such an innate part of life to me.

“I wouldn’t say that, not exactly. I have taken this form, which means I experience the same physical reactions to touch as anyone else. It means things will still feel good. I just lack an actual drive, an instinctual desire for sexual contact. I’ve never really felt any inclination to explore it before.”

He poured more water to get rid of the shampoo, repeating the motion a few times. “So the reason you’re more comfortable around me right now is probably because you know I’m unlikely to want the things that are frightening at the moment.”

“And you don’t want them? Ever?”

“You sound disappointed.”

“I thought we were getting closer. I guess I can’t imagine not taking that step with someone I l—” I clamped my lips together before that word came out. Clearly the magic of Yazmor’s hands had managed to completely dismantle my defenses.

He chuckled, the soft sound implying he heard what I’d almost said. “If someone asked me that before I met you, I would have said no. I would have said I had no interest and never would. Now, I’m not quite so certain of that.”

“But if you don’t have that drive, then why would you? I’d never want you to do something just for my benefit—”

“I don’t mean it like that. I mean that I’ve considered trying with you. I may not have the same drive you do, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t enjoy it, it doesn’t mean I don’t think about seeing you in that way.”

I let silence eat up the space after that comment as I considered it. He didn’t sound forced, didn’t sound as if he were thinking about doing something he hated. Instead, his tone held curiosity.

I pressed that conversation away, though. It wasn’t like anything would happen right now—I was in no state for that—so I went on to something else. “Why would Hubis make me go through that?”

“Hubis came from a very troubled cycle. They split the world into different parts that all behaved wildly differently, and when they interacted? Chaos. I have a good guess of what you went through, and I can only extrapolate his reasoning based on what I know of him. He probably wanted you to understand why he destroyed everything from before, why order matters to him so much.”

“That sort of thing still happens now. How does putting me through that show he’s any different than whoever was in charge during his cycle? Does he think violence is gone? That people are all loving and gentle to one another now?”

Yazmor didn’t respond right away, and it took so long that I opened my eyes to check if he was even still there. He sat on the edge of the tub, but he didn’t look at me. Instead, he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, his back bowed forward, his gaze locked on the other wall. “He didn’t show you something random, just some glimpse of the old world.”

“Were those his memories?”

Yazmor shook his head, his profile looking shockingly serious. “No. He wanted you to understand what made him what he is, the final straw that drove him to do what he’s done.”

“He’s fucking crazy—that’s the reason for what he’s done.”

Yazmor pulled his lips into a lopsided, sad smile. “We’re all a little crazy. Anyone who manages to survive any amount of time loses their sanity or they wouldn’t still be here. Who would want to see things come and go? Who would choose to live, knowing the pain that exists? Sane people never last long—it’s the crazy who inherit the world. That’s true of me, of you and of Hubis. Still, I suspect he showed you what he did to try to explain himself, to make you see and understand.”

“Don’t you defend him, not after…”

Yazmor twisted to look at me. “Don’t get me wrong—I’m not defending him. He made a mistake by choosing this path, because he all but ensured his own destruction. Hale, Tyrus and Gorrin won’t let this go, won’t ignore this. Even if they weren’t sure about facing him before, he just pulled them in for the long game.”

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