Page 38 of Lacey's Fight

“Of course it doesn’t, but, Ben, that doesn’t make it your fault. Leaving for work was part of your lives, nothing out of the ordinary. And forgetting to take the trash out, I’m sure it wasn’t the first time that had happened either, was it?”

“Jemima was always getting annoyed with me about it. I promised her I wouldn’t forget again, but I did. If I’d done it like I was supposed to then she wouldn’t have been out there, and that man wouldn’t have seen her.”

There was no way she could argue with that.

While technically true, it still ascribed an uneven portion of blame upon himself. There was no way he could possibly have foreseen what would have happened from forgetting to take out the trash.

“You must love Jemima so very much,” she said softly. What would it be like to be loved by a man the way Ben had loved his wife? To be loved so completely that logic had no place in the relationship. It was as sweet as it was heartbreaking.

“I planned to spend the rest of my life with her.”

A life that had been ripped away from them. How tragic that the very last time he’d seen his wife they’d been making love to try to create a baby. No wonder Ben had turned her down when she’d approached him that night. Lacey wondered if he’d even been with a woman since the night his wife was murdered.

“And that dream was ripped away from you.” Tears leaked out of her eyes trailing down her cheeks. She wished there was something she could do to help Ben, but she had no idea what.

Lacey had never had a dream, not one like that anyway. Her dreams had been simple, a safe place to live, free of pain where she could be her own person. So long as she had that she had what she needed. But love, marriage, happiness, kids, none of those things had ever entered her mind. Ben had wanted them though, and he’d lost it all.

“Everyone keeps telling me I have to keep living my life. That moving on doesn’t mean letting Jemima go, it just means acknowledging that I’m still alive, but I don’t feel alive.”

His admission resonated with her on a deep level.

It was the same way she felt.

Her past had damaged her in ways she probably didn’t even understand, and in an attempt to heal, to hide her pain, she tried her best to look for moments of joy where she could. When you looked for them, they were easy to find, but it was so exhausting always having to look for them.

“You haven’t been with anyone since your wife?” she asked, already knowing the answer. It explained why he’d lashed out both the night after he’d saved her life and that first night here at the manor house.

For a long moment, he was silent. Lacey didn’t rush him, giving him time to process what he wanted to say, just honored that he’d confided in her at all. She honestly hadn’t felt the need to ask Eagle about Ben, confident that if Ben wasn’t good at what he did and the right person for the job Eagle wouldn’t have involved him.

“I can’t,” he finally said.

“Can’t like you’ve tried but were unable to … perform? Or can’t like you just don’t want to?” This was none of her business, and she shouldn’t be peppering him with questions, but he’d told her for a reason, and she had to believe it was because he was ready to verbalize his feelings.

“Don’t want to. The thought of being with a woman makes me feel sick. And …”

“And?”

“And I don’t … deserve pleasure.”

She suspected that was the real crux of the issue. It wasn’t that he couldn’t stomach the idea of being with another woman—although she knew that being with anyone other than his wife would be one of his obstacles because he obviously loved her very much—it was that he thought he didn’t deserve to move on. That he should be punished for the rest of his life because he believed he was responsible for his wife’s murder.

“You let me give you pleasure last night,” Lacey reminded him. At the time she hadn’t really grasped just how big that was for Ben. It had occurred to her that maybe it was his way of apologizing for his harsh words without actually saying he was sorry. Now she realized it was so much bigger than that.

“That was—”

“Progress,” she finished for him before he could end the sentence the way she knew he’d been going to by calling what they had shared a mistake.

“It wasn’t … it can’t … I didn’t …”

Since she could tell he was floundering, confused, and unhappy, maybe even resentful of what he was feeling, she kept her voice soft and gentle when she spoke. “You’re attracted to me, right?”

The glower he shot her was answer enough.

“It’s okay to not like that. It’s okay to be angry with me, or yourself, or even just the universe in general. But it’s still progress. What happened to you and your wife is … honestly, there aren’t even words strong enough to describe it, but it’s still okay to live. I had to learn that lesson after Prey rescued us. It took me a while, but I learned to do what made me happy. Maybe I can help you learn that same lesson.”

His brows dipped in a mixture of confusion and suspicion. “How?”

“You weren’t wrong, what you said about me. I do like sex, it does bring me joy, and I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong.” Lacey wasn’t going to add in her secret thoughts about how it gave her the control she needed over her body and her pleasure. “When I sleep with someone it’s only ever one time, no-strings attached. I’m not looking for strings, and you’re not looking for strings, maybe you can use me to help yourself. That way when you do meet someone who you like and want to have a relationship with, you won’t have to worry about crossing that barrier.”

---