Page 98 of Lacey's Fight

When they’d been in England pretending to be husband and wife, she’d touched him all the time. Holding his hand, smoothing her fingers over his cheek, resting her palm on his thigh or his chest, now she wrapped those arms around her waist as though holding herself together and she looked so damn vulnerable his heart cracked.

“I’m sorry.” After spending the last few days saying them to his parents, his sisters, his nieces and nephews, his teammates, the words slid easily off his tongue. While Lacey might have been in his life the shortest amount of time, he couldn’t help but feel he owed her the biggest apology.

The way he’d treated her, the things he’d said, he hadn’t just closed himself off and shut her out, he’d been cruel.

Deliberately so.

Because he needed to get her as far away from him as possible, not trusting himself to be able to stay away from her.

“The way I treated you was unforgivable,” he forged onward when Lacey made no comment to either accept or refuse his apology.

Naked pain in her eyes made him falter. He’d hurt her worse than he’d realized, and he didn’t even know how.

“I pushed you away because I was scared,” he continued, pacing the length of her living room because it was either that or haul her into his arms and kiss her until she agreed to forgive him.

“You made me feel dirty,” she whispered, her voice barely audible but the pain in it coming through loud and clear.

His heart constricted. “I never meant to do that, sunflower, you have to believe me. It wasn’t about you, it was about me. I hadn’t been attracted to a woman since Jemima and I resented you reawakening that part of me.”

“I understand lashing out when we’re hurt, or scared, or even angry. But in the hospital after you got shot, you never even gave me a chance to talk. I wanted to explain,” she said softly.

Unable to resist any longer, he stalked over to her, gently grasped her hands, and guided her over to the couch. “Talk now. I’m listening. To whatever you have to say.”

Part of him expected her to tell him it was too late, and she didn’t want to talk, but instead, she drew in a slow, controlled breath, and he got the feeling she was preparing herself to bare her soul.

Hard as whatever she might have to say could be to hear he wanted that.

Wanted there to be nothing between them.

“You know The Master—Mervin, I’m not used to thinking of him as that yet—tortured and abused me and my sisters.” At his tight nod she continued. “It wasn’t just physical torture,” she said slowly.

“He sexually abused you.” The words came out in a growl he hoped she knew had nothing to do with her.

One side of her mouth quirked up. “I don’t think you’d get away with beating him up again.”

“Don’t care.” The man deserved to have every sick thing he’d done to Lacey done to him.

She gave a small laugh and then her smile faded. “I orgasmed,” she admitted, using that barely there whisper again.

Ben froze.

The ramifications of what she’d said left him feeling numb.

When Lacey—obviously misinterpreting his reaction—moved to pull away he hauled her into his lap and banded his arms around her.

“That’s what you wanted to tell me in the hospital?” He asked it as a question even though he already knew the answer.

“I realized I’d developed real feelings for you. I’d also realized that I was using sex as a way to try to control my body and my life. If I had sex when I wanted to, with who I wanted to, then each time I orgasmed it was because I wanted to.”

His heart broke for her. “Oh, sunflower. Your body reacting to stimulation the way it’s supposed to doesn’t mean you wanted what he did to you. It doesn’t make it okay. You know that don’t you?”

“I know. For a long time I didn’t, but now I … well maybe I still need to hear someone else say it,” she admitted.

That she was sharing her most intimate fears with him had to mean something, didn’t it?

Ben was afraid to hope there was a chance for them in case it all blew up in his face.

It would serve him right with how he had behaved since Jemima’s death. The way he had ruthlessly shoved away the people who loved him, who were grieving too. The way he had treated Lacey.

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