Page 50 of Scapegoat

“There was a lookout not far from here.”

It was Atlas who replied, not Jayden, and when I looked in the rearview mirror, I saw that he was staring at me, not Xavier.

“We’ve had some success with lookouts before,” Xavier said, shooting me a long look. They drove out of town until they came to the sign that indicated where the lookout was, and then drove down the beaten track.

Grass had grown long over the winter months, with all the rain we’d been having, but the truck managed to lumber through it, the suspension absorbing most of the impact but we still shifted around with each bump. Rocky outcroppings started to appear in the land around us, the road winding in and out of the rock that formed spears that stabbed at the sky. But then the track ended and Xavier brought the truck to stop, I started clawing at the door. As soon as it was popped open for me, I was off.

There was a particular joy that came from being in fur. An awareness of my surroundings, my sensitive ears picking up the sound of small prey skittering away, the scent of wet stone and green grass and bugs that leapt up in front of my face as I bounded forward.

“Kai…” Xavier called, but I so rarely let the wolf have her head, she wasn’t listening to anyone today, not even me. A rabbit thumped off and we went streaking after it, the wily critter jerking one way, then the next, trying to throw me off its trail. They didn’t have a lot of natural predators here, which had made their introduction to Australia doubly problematic, but right now, the wolf was determined to lessen their numbers by at least one. I heard my name called over and over, but I was intent on streaking after the rabbit, not being with them.

So they joined me.

Howls filled the air, announcing their animals’ presence, and then seconds later I was joined by three massive male wolves. But their blundering into my hunt seemed to galvanise the bunny somehow, untapped reserves of adrenaline sending it pelting off into the undergrowth.

My wolf spun around, snarling and snapping at the air, making a big show of her distaste of their behaviour. But the guys? They edged closer. Their heads were held high, their tails wagging slowly, as they moved toward me, slowly. That forced me back, something the wolf did not like at all. Her growls grew louder, thunderous, filling the air, but they just ignored it. They didn’t bait me, didn’t rise to my challenge, didn’t bare their fangs at me, unlike the ‘classic’ idea of wolf behaviour, because humans didn’t understand what an alpha really was.

They imagined their own primate-like dominance displays, full of violence and bravado, were what we engaged in. But an alpha wolf? He was usually the dad of the wolves in his pack and his job was to make sure everyone was safe and had enough to eat. So the guys didn’t barrel into me, putting me on my back and then biting at my soft underbelly, forcing me to submit. Instead they just crowded in, making my wolf get used to their presence, then pushed that envelope of tolerance until this. The first time Atlas-wolf touched his muzzle to mine, I jerked away. And then when Xavier-wolf put his head over my shoulder, I jumped back. But Jayden-wolf was right there, blocking my way out, wagging his tail the whole time, as he reached out to touch his nose with mine. I snarled, bit at the air, made clear what would happen if he did just that, but he didn’t pull away. He met my eyes, made clear he’d take the nip if that’s what it took to get close to me.

And my wolf sat down then, letting out a little whine.

Muzzles were shoved into my neck, sniffing at my fur. Still others licked at my jaws, like they were puppies begging for food. But most of all, they pressed their bodies into mine, the weight comforting in a way I couldn’t articulate, and only the wolf could understand.

Pack.

We didn’t choose to run as lone wolves for a very good reason. In the wild it was too damn hard to survive. We might have been apex predators, but our strength came from our pack, not us as individuals. So that instinctual nature, it carried across in human and wolf form, a sigh escaping me that I’d been holding since the day I saw them claim Anna.

We were clustered in the grass in a big puppy pile, but as soon as I thought of that day, I stiffened. Xavier-wolf whined in response, no doubt smelling my distress. But Atlas? He laid the big heavy head of his black wolf on my shoulder, pinning me to the earth. Jay shuffled closer, licking the soft fur behind my ears in slow reassuring strokes, grooming me like a cat would as I rode the wave of pain, of memory.

Them pulling Anna closer, her face pale as she showed the town her bite marks. Them claiming her. I shifted furtively, but was pressed back down again, because this was what therapy looked like in fur. I had to see this through, bear this pain. No, share it between the lot of us. This injustice was done to us, not just me, and so we all had a piece of it to carry.

I came back to skin with a shock. Whatever lesson the wolf had wanted me to learn, apparently I’d got it, which left me now sitting in the dirt and grass with three heavy wolves pressed into me. And while pebbles were burrowing into my arse and I heard the low hum of a mosquito buzzing around my head, that was all background noise to my awareness of them around me.

I hadn’t had the chance to see them in wolf form—Mum had robbed me of that too—so I stared now in wonder. Atlas was massive, a heavy grey beast with shaggy fur I longed to sink my fingers into. So I did. I reached out and touched the wolf, making connection with the man inside who’d haunted every single one of my fucking dreams. But just like in dreams, that touch was snatched away all too soon. The wolf’s fur was like down feathers on my fingertips, soft as butter, but they faded away, the wolf subsumed by the man, leaving my fingers to scud over his taut flesh.

Atlas stared at me and all of the fucking pain and love and need there, that each one of us had carried around since we were kids, was communicated in one long look, until Jayden-wolf moved. He thrust his head under my hand, demanding to be patted like it was his due, then moved closer to thrust his nose into the crook of my neck, snuffling there until I burst out laughing, the ticklish feeling forcing me to shove him away.

But when I did, Jay the man returned.

He smiled at me, some of the wild joy still there, but only a little. It was the same slow, lazy smile that he’d always worn when we were kids, just tempered now. Because before he hadn’t known what it was like, that life could front up and kick you square in the gut, completely unprovoked. That he wasn’t going to live his life in just one long golden summer. Winter had come and it had bitten us hard, every single one of us. But he looped his arm around my neck, tugged me closer to press my forehead to his, so I was forced to listen to his breath and mine form a noisy chorus.

“Kai…”

Jay just breathed my name out, the sound tugged away by the gentle breeze and I wanted to grab it back. Hold it close to my chest, cradled there, along with all the feeling that came with it. But he said my name over and over as our mouths shifted in the space between us, forming a strange dance, one where we were forced to orbit each other but never actually touch. Then, right as we got close, a furry muzzle shoved forward, landing on my bare thigh.

Xavier-wolf stared up at me with a puppyish look that had me smiling despite myself. I found my hand moving, stroking through his grey tipped fur, the blondish undercoat separating under my fingertips.

Fuck, I’d started out so damn strong. I’d made my case to Atlas, told him just how I felt, spilling out all that pain. I’d been sure I knew just what to do, what we needed to do. People don’t fall in love when they’re kids and then stay together forever. People change too much to make that possible. So why was I here, my heart feeling like it was swelling to twice its size inside my chest as Xavier shifted into skin, rolling over so he faced me? And why did my fingers run through the golden stubble on his chin, the feel of it so much harsher, wirier than the wolf’s fur?

Because this was me, this was us, and no matter what bullshit my mother had pulled before, we’d stayed together, stayed best friends. One fucking evil plan, one attempt to crush my heart like a damn bug, it didn’t change that, didn’t change anything, and that fucking killed me. Touching Xavier’s face right then, tracing the sharp slope of his cheekbone, feeling Atlas shift behind me and place a kiss at the base of my spine, then Jay stroked his hand through my hair, it felt like my whole life had been leading up to this.

“Why do I want to fucking kiss you, after everything that happened?” I asked Xavier. “Why do I feel like I’ve been waiting for just this moment.”

“Don’t wait. Kai, fuck… Please don’t wait.” He reached out then, slowly enough for me to pull away, but how could I, with Atlas kissing his way up my spine and Jay combing his fingers through my hair? “Don’t wait.” Xavier’s voice was much lower, huskier now, as his hand pulled me closer. “Don’t let any of it get between us ever again.”

I couldn’t promise him that, but I could do this, letting my lips brush across his. And the moment I did, he yanked me down onto the grass beside him and then rolled over to cover his body with mine.

That feeling of his body, heavy and pinning mine to the earth and the damp ground beneath me? It was finer than the softest bed.

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