Page 41 of With You

“Of course, I wasn’t planning on eating those.” I looked back at my food, avoiding her all-knowing stare. “Roe was making a list for the store and we’re going to order groceries to be delivered later. Where is he, anyway?”

I finished the last spoonful and pushed away my plate, now that I was full, I noticed how odd it was that he hadn’t appeared. Since waking up in the hospital, he hadn’t strayed far from my side.

“Oh, I think he went home.” Her voice was overly cheerful and my suspicions rose further as she began to wipe at a non-existent spot on the counter.

The food I’d just consumed churned in my stomach and I pressed my palm against my belly. “Did he say when he’d be back?”

“No, and I didn’t ask. There was no reason for him to stick around. I’m here now and I took care of you for eighteen years, I’m perfectly capable.”

I could feel the blood draining from my face. Roe left and he wasn’t coming back? That didn’t make sense. Everything he’d said, everything he’d done, the pillows, the books, the bath all pointed to him wanting to stay with me, to take care of me. I couldn’t think of a single reason why he’d leave willingly. Unless…

“Mom, did you say something to him?”

She quit pretending that she was cleaning and tossed the rag down on the counter. “I may have insinuated that it made more sense for me to be here as I’m your mother and he’s just a friend.”

“Just a friend. Mom, please tell me you didn’t say that to him.”

“Well, yes, I did.” She began to ring her hands. “There’s nothing to be ashamed about, an agreement between friends is perfectly natural. I’ve never had one myself, but I don’t judge, honey.”

I flew to my feet, the barstool clattering to the ground behind me, making us both jump. “We aren’t friends with benefits, Mother! Roe’s more than that to me, oh god, I can’t believe you said that to him.”

My insides were crumbling and I practically ran to my door, flinging it open and crossing the hall, her apologies and shouts fading into the background. My hand hovered over the doorknob. A few hours earlier, I wouldn’t have hesitated to let myself into Roe’s home, positive that he’d want me there.

I wasn’t sure exactly what else my mom had told him but I’d be devastated if someone told me that I was nothing but a hookup to Roe. Please be here, please let me explain.

My hand closed around the knob and I whimpered when I realized it was locked. My fist pounded on the door and I vaguely registered the pain in my arm, it was probably time for another pill but that was secondary to the ache forming in my chest.

“Roe? It’s Sam, are you home? Please, I—Can we talk?” Silence. There were no sounds of his feet shuffling over the wooden floor to open the door, no music or pounding on the keyboard like when he was too wrapped up in the work he was doing. All signs pointed to him not being home and still I flattened my palm against the wood like I could draw him to me.

“Roe, please.”

The door opened and I wanted to fall into his arms, to weep with gratitude and beg him to forget what he’d heard. Yet, Roe’s body language screamed that it wouldn’t be welcome. One hand braced against the frame as the other held on to the door, barely opening it wide enough for me to see all of him.

“Sam, did you need something?” He took a sip from the brown bottle that I hadn’t noticed before. He was drinking?

“I’m sorry,” I blurted, thinking that my best bet was to lead with an apology. “For whatever she said to you. It’s not true.”

Relief flickered in his eyes momentarily before they shuttered again. “You didn’t tell your mom that we were friends with benefits?” It was more of an accusation than a question and I flinched at the coldness rolling off him.

“No, God no, I’d never say that about you.”

“Then what am I, Sam? I’ve told you over and over what I want, who you are to me. I understand it’s harder for you. I’ve tried to be patient.” He sighed, letting go of the door and running his hands through his mussed hair. “I can’t help but think it’s a really bad sign that your mother thinks I’m your fuck buddy. Not telling our friends is one thing but there’s no one you’re closer to than your mom.”

He was right, my mom was all that I’d had for most of my life. Boyfriends came and went for her but she always made sure that they knew I was her number one priority. I’d never wanted that kind of closeness with anyone else, not until him.

And why couldn’t I tell him that? The words that I felt deep within me wouldn’t come, I wanted to scream at myself, why couldn’t I reassure him?

I thought of my father and the parts of me that were nothing like my mother. For starters, there was my height, that was all him. What other pieces of him had I unknowingly inherited? Roe’s heart was breaking before my eyes and it was my fault. Like father, like daughter.

What right did I have to tether this amazing person to me? If I wasn’t ruining things now, then it would be tomorrow or the next day or the next. We were on borrowed time and it seemed that fate had chosen this moment to call in the debt.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered uselessly. It was the same thing I’d said years ago and Roe looked gutted at the memory. It hurt, not comforting him, it physically hurt and I didn’t think there was a pill strong enough to end this pain.

“Yeah,” he swallowed thickly, looking away. “If you need something,” he gestured to my arm, “you can give me a call.”

My head jerked, nodding on its own, the rest of me feeling like I was bleeding out, right here in the hallway. I wouldn’t call. He’d already given me so much, given me everything and I couldn’t ask him for more. Not now.

“See you around, Sam.”

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