Page 49 of With You

“Yeah,” Sam turned her head to look out the window and began chewing on her thumbnail, a classic tell for when she was feeling nervous. I’d catalogued that move years ago and was pleased that I could still read her so well.

What my girl didn’t know was that she had no reason to be nervous. I was back and I had no intentions of ever leaving her again. No one was going to stop me, not even Sam herself.

28

SAM

Walking up the stairs to our shared floor felt like approaching a reckoning.

Roe was back. He’d come to find me. Then, he’d made me absolutely lose my mind in that alley where anyone could’ve seen us. God, it had been good, exactly what I’d needed in the moment. Then again, sex was always good between us. What I wanted to know now was why he’d shown up at Brooks’ in the first place.

“So, uh, since Baz is staying at my place, maybe we can talk at yours?” Roe’s non-stop tapping of his fingers against his outer thigh gave away his nerves, clearly worried that I’d say no and shut him out.

I gave him my answer by turning away and opening the door without a word, leaving it open for him to follow. The caboodle that Jo had brought over was still splayed wide open on my coffee table and a half-empty bottle of vodka sat on the kitchen counter. The clutter made me anxious after living a decade where order and cleanliness were a requirement. It would have to wait, though, because the more pressing matter was the messy situation going on between my legs.

“I need to shower,” I waved my hand absently at my crotch and Roe had enough smarts not to laugh.

“Of course, how about I make some coffee?” I nodded my head absently, before walking to my bedroom. As the shower warmed up, I removed my dress and heels, hissing at the cramping in my toes. Damn, it would be a while before I wore those again, if ever.

Water slid over my body, washing away the sweat and borrowed makeup. I cleaned between my legs carefully, aware of how tender I was. I smiled to myself, it was an ache I was happy to have.

When I was clean and dressed in comfortable clothes, I looked around but couldn’t find any excuses to avoid the talk I knew was coming. When I walked out of my room, Roe was waiting on the couch, head angled down as he stared at his hands, deep in concentration. I cleared my throat, feeling guilty watching him when he wasn’t aware of my presence and he jumped to his feet.

Two steaming mugs sat on the table and I walked forward, grabbing the one much lighter in color than the other. He held his breath as I brought the mug to my lips. “It’s perfect,” I told him after taking a sip and he breathed deep, shoulders relaxing. I sat in the armchair and curled my legs underneath me, balancing the mug on my knee.

“Guess it’s good to know that I don’t screw everything up.” His joke fell flat and I felt my brows draw together, his self-deprecating words catching me off guard.

“What are you talking about?”

Instead of answering me, he walked to the bookshelves where my framed pictures stood, picking up the one of us from graduation. “I’m surprised you kept this,” his thumb caressed the frame and he turned it toward me. “The first time I came over it shocked the hell out of me to find it, sitting out in the open next to photos of all the people you care about. I wanted to ask you why it was here, but I was afraid of what your answer might be. That if I pushed you too hard to define things that I might lose you.”

He looked at me with eyes that were etched in sadness. “I’ve already lost you, Sam, so tell me, why’d you keep this after everything that happened?”

“You haven’t lost me,” I croaked, letting the warmth of the mug in my hands keep the coldness inside me at bay. He was right, the worst had already happened. I’d ignored the ways I was a failure for as long as possible but Roe had seen every ugly inch of me the night he left. I gained nothing from keeping secrets now. “I kept it as a reminder of what I’d given up, of the way I’d failed us both.”

Roe sighed, placing the picture back on the shelf gently. “That’s really what you think, isn’t it? That you’re the only one who’s made mistakes. You’ve always loved to shoulder the burden alone.” His angry words threw me off balance. “Tell me, is it hard always being the one to fall on the sword? I’d think it would get old after a while.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I slammed my mug down and stood toe to toe with him. “Like it’s a bad thing to put others before yourself?” I was trying to be the bigger person but now I was royally pissed off.

“No, Sam, it’s a great virtue, but you aren’t doing that. You’re pushing people away so you don’t get hurt and that’s no way to live.”

“I don’t want to hurt you!” I screamed in his face, chest heaving and heart racing. “It was so clear what you wanted, Roe. Marriage, babies, the shared bank account, a future.” I counted each one on my fingers. “I’m not cut out for those things, my DNA ensures that. In the end I would’ve broken your heart and excuse me for wanting to save you that pain. But you push and you push and then you push some more. Make me want more, too, damnit, you made me want to have that future. And what happens when you change your mind, when I’ve given you everything and it’s not enough?”

I was breathing too fast, the reality of everything I’d just said out loud threatening to bury me. My darkest fears, my shame, laid bare and bleeding at the feet of the only man I’d ever loved.

Roe pulled me close, hugged me tighter when I tried to fight him. It wasn’t until his mumbled, soothing sounds registered that I realized I was crying. Tears of grief, of regret, of relief that he was holding me again, something I never thought would happen.

“Surely you know that all I’ve ever wanted was you. The day will never come that I don’t.” I pushed against his chest, giving up when he didn’t budge and resting my chin on his chest to look up at him.

“Would I marry you if that’s what you wanted? In a heartbeat, kitten. If you told me you wanted a baby, I wouldn’t stop trying until our kid was growing in your belly. As for the shared bank account, I’m quite handy with online investments and that might be a sticking point that you’ll want to revisit later. That being said, all those things are just icing on the cake, Sam, the only thing I want in this life, and maybe even the next, is to be with you.”

His beautiful words had more tears flowing down my cheeks and I buried my face in his chest that was now shaking with amused laughter. I’d always thought that showing someone your true self would be like placing your weakness in the palm of their hand, something they could use later to destroy you. In a way it was, I was trusting Roe with that weakness, my heart, and at the same time trusting that he’d keep them both safe.

“I love you,” I mumbled into his shirt, instantly stopping his laughter. He gripped my shoulders and pushed me away, intensity pulling his features taught.

“What did you say?” I looked down, hesitant to repeat the words. “Nope, don’t go hiding from me. You’re too damn strong for that shit. Repeat what you just said.”

Taking a deep breath, I held my head high and made eye contact. He was right, Samantha Hebert was no coward. “I said I love you, even though you drink juice boxes in bed and bounce your leg so hard the whole breakfast table shakes and snore like a fucking freight train when you’re drunk. I love every ridiculous inch of you, Monroe Ross.”

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