Page 91 of Begin Again

“I don’t even know,” she said. “I remember my mother always having mood swings. She’d be high and then low. Good days were so good she was smothering me with kisses and hugs and I wanted to get away. She was dancing in the rain, the sunshine made her giggle. A bad day and she couldn’t get out of bed. She’d cry for no reason. She wouldn’t eat. She didn’t want to live. Extremes.”

“Did she ever try to commit suicide?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said. “A few times. And she always ended up in an institution. She’d get on her meds. She’d get better. She’d come home and life was good. Or about as normal as it could be. But the suicidal thoughts and actions didn’t start until after Abby was born.”

“And you were older and remember it more,” he said. He couldn’t even imagine that as a child. He was struggling to understand it as an adult.

“Yes. It was hard for my father. He feels as if he failed my mother because he couldn’t keep her healthy and on her meds. He hated that it seemed she cared more about herself and her next fix than her family.”

“Fix?” he asked.

“She self-medicated on drugs and alcohol. There are a lot of people with mental health and addiction problems. It’s common. Trust me, I’ve read enough on it.”

She would have wanted to help her mother. “Did you go into nursing because of your mother?”

“I’m not sure if I did it for her or me. I guess I’m like my father and wanted to help people. It seemed the thing to do. I could go to college for two years and then get a good job making great money. It’s hard work, but I didn’t care.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

“I tried to help my mother and she didn’t want it. She said it came off as lecturing. Maybe it did. I was working at that point. I saw what could happen to her if she didn’t get help.”

“You were young and trying to do what you could to get her to see,” he said.

“I was. It didn’t work. It pushed her away. My parents were separated for about ten years before my father finally divorced her. I think deep down he thought she’d be able to pull it together, but she didn’t. Or she couldn’t. It doesn’t matter. He didn’t need that in his life anymore.”

“The hope things would change only to have it squashed again had to be difficult.”

“It was,” she said. “I know that, though he wouldn’t admit it. I told you he feels he failed my mother and his marriage. Then us because he couldn’t help her. When I told him about Tanner, the whole truth, he was upset again. I told him I didn’t want him to feel like he failed again. I was embarrassed I was in that mess. That I had a shitty marriage on top of it.”

Christian moved to pull her into his arms. He could see she was upset, but she very rarely let any tears fall.

“There was no reason to feel embarrassed.”

“I know that now. But I explained that is why I didn’t tell him. And that now he could see I was fine and how strong I was.”

“You are,” he said. “I’m so proud of you.”

She snorted and moved out of his arms. “You didn’t even know me during that time.”

“I didn’t need to know you then to know how far you’ve come. I see how far you’ve come in the months we’ve been together.”

If he knew her when she was going through everything with Tanner he might have beat the shit out of her ex.

“I have,” she said. “I want to say I did that on my own, but I know that isn’t the case. I did it with help from my father. He gave me a place that was safe and secure when I got home. Then I did it with you. You’ve done the same. You love me for me and you give me a chance to come to decisions and conclusions on my own.”

“So I’m forgiven about the camera?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, sighing. “I knew it had nothing to do with a trust issue, but I had to hear you say it.”

“What’s going on with your mother now? Why after all these years did she show up? I’m still trying to figure that out.”

“So am I,” she said. “What I know is that she says she wants to get better. That she is trying and she knows it’s hard. She was on the streets until a month ago. She’s in a new facility in Saratoga County. She likes the counselors she is working with. She likes the place she’s at. Maybe they can get through to her when others couldn’t.”

“That’s positive,” he said.

“It is. I’m hopeful but not holding out hope. Not like Abby is. I know my mother might slip again. This isn’t a fix or a cure, it’s a lifestyle of change and living with your limitations and understanding coping mechanisms when you are feeling like you need help. Getting it is the first step.”

“Seems she did that,” he said.

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