Page 68 of When in Rome

Wordlessly, he walks over to the side of my bed and when he looks over the mess of sheets and comforter, I feel a twinge of embarrassment. “I was throwing a tantrum,” I say honestly, because that’s all I can be with Noah.

He nods, that painful scowl still etched between his brows. His eyes move to me, and instinctively, I reach out and take his hand. The hem of his long-sleeve pj shirt brushes against my knuckles. He’s in my room, in the middle of the night, in his favorite pajamas. This is level ten vulnerable for him. He notices that I’ve been crying, but he doesn’t ask me what’s wrong. I think he already knows. Instead, he brushes his thumb across my cheekbone, catching another tear.

“Can I sleep with you tonight? Just…sleep.” And the way he says it makes me know he meansit.

There’s not a single part of me that hesitates. “Yes.”

Noah untangles my sheets and comforter, smooths them out over the bed before lifting a corner and sliding in. The mattress dips with his weight, and that small action shouldn’t make me need to swallow, but Ido.

Once he’s under the covers, both of our heads lying on our pillows, we stare at the ceiling. Another flash of lightning illuminates the room and the wind beats the window. It sounds extreme. Noah rolls onto his side to face me, drapes an arm over my abdomen, and pulls me close to him so my back is pressed against his chest. It’s a tight hold. Like one someone would use if they’ve been out floating in the ocean near death and miraculously find a flotation device.

A warm ache settles low in my stomach. His body is so strong and solid against me. He smells crisp and cool and clean. And I can feel his breath against the side of my neck, blowing the tiny hairs around and making me dizzy.

I feel him take in a deep breath. “I…don’t like storms.” He pauses and I wonder if he thinks I’ll laugh. I will fight anyone who ever dares laugh at this man. “I’m terrified, actually.” He sounds shaken, so I wrap my hand around his forearm that’s holding me so snugly to him.

“We all…Well, after my parents died, I haven’t been able to sleep through a storm again. I usually just stay up and pace until it’s over. Sometimes I obsessively check the news. I call each of my sisters when it’s over just to make sure they’re okay. It’s probably a ridiculous reaction since I wasn’t even there when it happened to my parents.”

Another pause, and I wait.

“My sisters don’t seem to be as scared of storms as I am, but they each have their own things, too. Like earlier tonight, Emily’s freak-out wasn’t actually about you. It was because she’s afraid of abandonment in a big way. And the last time I was in a relationship, I packed up and left for New York without giving anyone much notice, and I didn’t come back for a year. She’s afraid that willhappen again, and I’m afraid with each and every storm that it’ll take someone I love again.”

Words feel inadequate. That was so personal it felt like blood spill. I want to find a way to convey how much I hurt with him. But I can’t, so I just take his hand and raise it to my lips where I kiss his palm. I feel his chest move with a soft hum, and when my lips release from his hand, he pulls me in close again. I never want to not be surrounded by his body. We fit perfectly together and it’s not just because our pajamas most likely came in a set.

Lightning strikes again, and loud thunder shakes the house.

“Distract me,” Noah pleads, and I can feel how fast his heart is racing. “Say something.”

He doesn’t have to hold me as tightly as he is, I would cozy up to him even if he didn’t. He might not realize it, but there’s no getting rid of me now. I run my fingers up and down his arm, feeling the fine hairs tickle my fingertips. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this comfortable with someone before.

“Your sisters already know, but I’m obsessed with Audrey Hepburn.” I blurt my truth, not even sure why I’m nervous to tell him. But I am. My confession is a finger prick compared to his open heart surgery.

“The actress?” he asks, and I’m relieved he knows who she is, unlike his sisters.

“Yeah. The actress.” Thunder rumbles around us and the walls tremble from it. Noah’s hold doesn’t loosen. “My mom and I used to watch her movies together. It was our thing. But then after I became famous, we drifted apart, and now I feel so distant from her that I don’t know where to even begin to get that relationship back.” I pause a moment when I realize that finding a way back to my mom is something I do want to pursue. I just don’t know how. “Anyway, I continued to turn to Audrey Hepburn movies when I needed a hug or guidance. That’s why I’m here in this town with you, actually.” It sounds even more reckless than I thought when Isay it out loud. “I played eenie-meenie-miney-mo with each of her movies, landed onRoman Holiday,and took it as a sign that I was supposed to escape to Rome just like Audrey’s character did because I was feeling scared and desperate. But since Italy was too far to drive…”

“You came here.”

“Right. Except I wasn’t supposed to find you here…and now, you’re Gregory Peck and don’t even realizeit.”

Noah kisses my head like I didn’t just speak gibberish to him. “I like Gregory Peck. He’s a classy guy.”

“You would care about that.” I twist around and stare at the buttons on his shirt. I’m dangerously close to sobbing again, so I distract myself by counting his buttons.

He runs his palm over my cheekbone and his fingers splay into my hair. “I’ve been lying to you.”

I pause my counting on button number five. “Are you Hillbilly-Joe-serial-killer after all?”

“You really do have a lot of nicknames for me, don’t you?”

“More than I’ve even told you.”

He runs his hand through the length of my hair, and then repeats. “Idowant something romantic with you. I have since I first laid eyes on you. And you’re not the only one who has developed feelings.” My heart stops. “But I’m still not ready for a relationship. I don’t see how it would work when I can’t leave my family right now until my grandma…well, anyway, I can’t leave. And you can’t stay.”

“What about—”

He knows what I’m about to say. Noah cuts me off gently, his hand cradling my jaw like he wants to soften the blow of his own words. “I can’t do long distance, Amelia.” I hate how final his voice sounds on the matter. Like he’s already contemplated it a hundred times and could never find a suitable solution. “When I had to move home for my grandma and Merritt wouldn’t come with me, Itold her I’d come back to the city after I got everything situated at home. But after I was here about a month, I got a text from her that she obviously meant to send to the guy from her office she had apparently been cheating on me with for several months. It was an incriminating text to say the least, and I’ve had major trust issues since then. I don’t think another long-distance relationship is the best way to get back into dating.”

There is a part of me that wants to beg and plead. I will spend the entire night convincing him with a PowerPoint presentation that I would absolutely never cheat on him. But in the end, I stay quiet, because I don’t want to force, persuade, or manipulate Noah into anything he’s not comfortable with. He’s been through enough hurt—and I don’t blame him for wanting to avoid any possibility of it again.

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