Page 53 of Cursed to Be Mine
They split.
They connect.
They split again.
Completely ignorant of how lucky it is to be inanimate, without all the pain and rage and damn emotions of the living world.
I clench my fist with the urge to scream.
My whole body shakes as I sit under the sizzling spray.
My own fucking ma…
I see myself in the woods, down on my knees, with sticks and stones digging into me. Thick tears run down my face, and I can feel the snot that choked me. It doesn’t feel real, and yet, it feels entirelytooreal.
More real than anything I can feel now.
She raises the gun.My throat closes.
Words scream silently from my lips.
She pulls the trigger.
I flinch at thebangringing in my ears. My body flashes cold beneath the spray. The bullet digs into my brain.
I’m dead.
My own fucking ma…
It was only blind luck that the gun was empty.
Pushing an arm against my mouth, I scream.
My own fucking ma…
Someone bangs on the wall in the next room, and I want to ignore them,needto ignore them as I expel all my pain,but I don’t. I was raised better than that.
A broken snort leaves me at that thought. My scream abruptly ends.
Raisedbetter.
Ma barely raised me.
I raised myself between cowering in the principal’s office, wishing she would stop forcing me to wear tight clothes that ‘accentuated my body’ – a body I didn’t want as a fucking child.
Between eating more and more so she’d be disgusted and let me wear what was comfortable.
Between the sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night, terrified she’d catch me. Hiding food in my room to eat in the comfort of privacy.
And between boyfriends. Two fucking boyfriends, both of whom she fucked.
I rub my arm angrily across my cheeks.
I’ve never told her I know about Nick, the guy I lost my virginity to. How I know she seduced him minutes after he slept with me, minutes after I told him I loved him.
I crept downstairs to find something to eat, having not had anything all day due to her being home, and I caught them in the act. She hadn’t even closed her door all the way.
But I was so numb, so desperate to not believe what I saw, I pretended as if it didn’t happen. My own ma with my first…
