Page 59 of Madness Behind the Mask
I reach for her, only to immediately collapse inwards, my arms wrapping around each other. My hands curl into fists, and I bang them on the floor as I scream. My eyes squeeze shut as I remember David in her room. He had his hands below her waist. Was he really changing her diaper then? Was he hurting her? Was he killing her while I watched? While I didnothingto help her?
I am her mother.
Was her mother.
Amher mother. Even in death, she is mine.
I crawl towards her, sobbing and crying as Caden just stands there in utter silence.
I hatehis silence.
I hatehim.
He was supposed to protect her.
Iwas supposed to protect her.
I hate me just as much as I hate him.
“Did David…” I ask, a worthless question to assuage my guilt. I already know what happened. I already know I failed her in that moment I found him in the nursery.But I let David convince me he knew best. I was not there to raise any of my children, but he was.
Iwas not there to kiss their grazed knees or rock them as they cried.
But he was.
And they loved him.
And I trusted him...
I trusted him because he made sure I did not know what he’d doneto me was wrong.
Tears burn my eyes as I hate that bitter, hard truth. Regardless of whatDavidtold me,though,I should’veknown.The fault is mine. I was old enough to get married. I was old enough to know…
Olivia is dead because of mychildishstupidity.
I fold in on myself, my head hitting the floor as tears pool beneath my cheeks. Caden doesn’t answer me or maybe he does and I just don’t hear him over my wails.
I should have known.
I should have known…
My baby is dead because of me.
“No,”Caden finallywhispersas he crouches down and touches my shoulder. “No, David didn’t…” He swallows as I look up at him, desperately craving his next words.My entire world is held in the Adam’s apple bobbing at his throat.
He shakes his head.
He looks away.
“Sometimes babies just die,” he says softly. “She died in her sleep. It was peaceful.”
“But I saw David…” I start to say, but my throat closes and I cannot speak the words.
He hears them anyway. I can tell given how harshly he flinches. But he shakes his head again.
“She died in Myer’s arms, my sweet Sau. David never touched her.”
I fall forward, collapsing on the cold floor as waves of relief expel from my lungs on ragged cries. I shudder, my whole body trembling as I thank the gods for this one good thing.I’dgo through everything I’ve gone through again just to hear those words.
