Page 65 of Madness Behind the Mask
My little angel should not have diedbefore me.
My shoulders jerking from my wails, I think about how I almost did die a month ago. How I bit out my tongue in an attempt to kill myself,not valuing the precious gift of life at all.
I do not deserve to live.
I do not deserve it.
I want to take herplace.
Please, gods, just let me take her place.
I wake up again, hating that I do. Hating that the gods have ignored my prayer, one of hundreds I’ve made since I took Olivia into my shadows.
I do not ask again, knowing it is pointless.
I only pray that she’ll make it to the good fields of the afterlife. That some dead mother will take care of her for me. Love her for me.
Tears pool behind my eyes as I rub my cheek against Caden’s bare chest, seeking comfort.
He doesn’t say anything about the snot pouring out of my nose. He just squeezes me tighter and kisses the top of my head.
I want to apologize. I want to tell him I don’t normally cry. That I am a true Shadow.
But my tongue is as heavy as my eyes.
And Iam alreadydriftingoff again in my desperation to escape the living...
The next time I wake,I finally find the strength to openmy eyes.Caden is still in bed with me, his arms around me, holding me together as I face the first day without my little girl.
Guilt clogs my throat as I think about the last time I saw her. My magic spiraled out of control. I tore apart the nursery with her in it. Did I hurt her, impale her on the broken splinters of her crib? Did David try to save her but fail? Did he lie about her being okay just so I wouldn’t feel this guilt?
Did he…
Did he try to protect me...right before I allowed historture?
A war of emotions battles inside me, pulling me apart on the blood-soaked fields of uncertainty. I shudder on a gasp, my shoulders shaking under the weight of all this guilt.
It buildseven more, crushing the air from my lungs as Isuddenly realize who else I might’ve failed to protect.
Clawing at Caden’s arms, I struggle to move away from him, my breaths quick and ragged and raw.
“What’s wrong?” my husband asks, his voice sounding as if he’s just woken from sleep but is alert nonetheless.
“Ryo,” I rasp, begging him to understand as I can’t get any more words out. I just need to move. Need to run to the nursery and see if he’s okay. How did I forget about my youngest boy? His cot isn’t far from Olivia’s, but I was so focused on her...so focused on what I thought Uncle David was doing to her…
My body slick with sweat, I fight off the covers as soon as Caden releases me. I don’t even try to stand. I just roll off the side of the bed, hit the ground, and crawl.
“Sau!”
My hands shake from the fervor of my mind and the weakness of my body. I’m still not strong enough to move much on my own, but I grit my teeth and haul myself forward.
Feet thud onto the floor behind me, and in another moment, I’m scooped up by two strong arms, but even the thick barrier of my husband’sbiceps and forearmscan’t keep out the cold gripping my heart. Twisting it. Freezing it as I think about Ryo lying dead under a pile of rubblethatIcaused.
Uncle David never said anything about my little boy surviving.
“Please,” I rasp as I look at the door, desperate to get through it.
“Okay,”Cadensays as he walks forward, and I nod jerkily, my body coiled with the need to be there already. Holding my boy. Making sure he’s okay. Not dead like his sister.
