Page 31 of Madness Behind the Mask
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die alone and in the dark.
But I don’t want to live either.
Tears pouring into my pillow, soaking it with my pain, I squeeze my eyes shut, hesitate for a few seconds, and then chomp down hard.
Blood floods my mouth, filling it up as my teeth close behind a severed muscle that flops down onto my pillow. My mouth opens instinctively on a gurgled scream as my eyes pop open, slammed into action by the sheer agony radiating behind my lips. I roll onto my belly, my hands reaching for the side of the bed, but I can’t see it in the dark.
Thunderous thoughts rain down on me. Desperation claws at me. Horrible breaths are barred from reaching my lungs by the mass of blood pouring down my throat and out past my chin.
I try to scream for help, but it’s nothing but a choked cry that burbles red bubbles of panicked regret.
I don’t want to die.
I don’t want to die!
I just wanted the pain to stop.
My lungs squeeze tight, raking invisible talons across my chest that try to open me up to breathe. But they can’t help me. They just make it worse, make me panic more. Make my brain spasm as it runs left and right, tugging on padlocked doors as a fire rages behind it.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe!
I don’t want to die.
Alone.
And in the dark.
Drowning in my own traitorous blood.
I finally reach the edge of the bed and fall off, my bodyhitting the ground with a thump that slams my teeth together, intensifying the pain in what remains of my tongue.
I’ve landed on my back though, and I cannot spit the blood free, cannot let it drain down my chin. I can only lie here and continue to choke, my vision narrowing as my panic explodes, covering every part of my world.
I don’t want to die.
I don’t want to die.
Someone please help me.
I want my daddy.
Daddy!
Daddy!
The door opens like a prayer, and a man rushes in, but I can’t focus on him, can’t tell who it is as he turns me onto my side and angles my head down to drain the red from my lips. I gag as the blood in my throat and lungs is pulled out by an invisible force, the liquid sliding past my shaking teeth that can’t clamp close despite how much my gag reflex makes them want to.
“Dammit, Sau,breathe.”
The rich timbre makes me cry.
For a moment, I imagined Dad holding me in his arms, but it’s only Caden. Only a man I don’t know and who is probably no longer mine. Who isn’t ours.
That pain I tried to escape when I bit off my tongue comes back to me, and I shake with uncontrollable wails, so much louder than they were now that my air pathway is clear.
He holds me close, his hands cradling my head as he rocks me back and forth. “Shhh,” he rasps, a shakiness to his tone, a tremble to his hands. “It’s going to be okay, my sweet. You’re going to be okay.”
