Page 101 of Madness Behind the Mask
Thirty-Four
HER
28OCTOBER1947
Every morning, I go to see Ryo in the nursery, fixed and decorated anew, and am reminded of Olivia. She used to smile at me, making soft noises as drool dribbled down her chin whenever I entered. I’d alternate between who I picked up and cradled to my chest first. This morning, it is Ryo.
Just like it was yesterday.
And the day before that.
And the day before that.
Just like it’ll be tomorrow.
And the day after that.
And the day after that...
My chest aches as I hold him to me. He’s more quiet now. Although too young to understand death, he misses his sister and cries for her often. He is so lonely in this big old room, butI’m terrified of giving him a new sibling to grow up with. Terrified of losing him or her too.
My throat tight, I turn to Caden as he sits at his desk. He had it moved in here not long after we shared that night in the shower, not wanting to be away from me for a single moment, and I not wanting to be away from Ryo in case he ‘just died suddenly’ too.
His first birthdayhas come and gone. Caden assured me that babies are less likely to die for no reason after that,but...
“Does he look okay to you?” I ask as I walk over to him with our son in my arms, balanced on my hip.
Caden glances up at me, but his pen stays poised on thelist he’s making. Then his gaze turns to Ryo, and he pulls a silly face, sticking out his tongue and widening his eyes. Ryo laughs, carefree and happy, and my husband smiles. “He does.”
He waits for me to pass my own judgment, but instead of just trusting his opinion like I normally do, this time, I frown. I turn Ryo to face me, staring into his eyes, trying to figure out if he’s about to take his last breath right here in my arms.
Pushing his chair back, Cadenpats his knee. He doesn’t sigh even though I’m certain he wants to. I’ve asked him this question six times already this morning.Yesterday, I must have asked it a hundred times before bed.
“Come here,” he says, and I obey immediately, wanting the comfort of his touch.I settle on his lap, my legs in between his as I sit side-on on his thigh. He takes Ryo from me, and my pulse spikes at his absence. It’ssuddenlyhard to swallow even though I know Caden loves him. It’s there in his eyes, in how warm they are whenever he looks atour children.
Except Leon, a little voice says, but I understand why he doesn’t. Leon is a soldier now and will be taking over the Family in a couple years. He needs to be treated with the respect of an heir, not just the love of a father.
“This little man is going to grow into the healthiest Shadow. Aren’t you, son?”
Ryogiggles when Caden rubs his head against his belly, making playful noises. Squealing, he pulls at his father’s curly red hair, his cheeks just as rosy in color. Healthy.Alive.
I swallow past the clog in my throat, willing my heart rate to slow.
He’s going to be fine,I tell myself. I breathe out with a nod, a small smile on my lips when my husband turns to me. He hands Ryo back without me having to ask, and I hug him close to my chest. “I love you, Ryo,” I say as I kiss his cheek.
“Mama.” He grins so carefree, and my smile broadens, turning genuine in its warmth.
Caden reaches around me to pick up the piece of paper on his desk, then leans back in his chair, holding me to him with his other hand. I take comfort in the feel of his body protecting mine even though I ignore him for the most part, my attention on our son as I play with him while Caden works.
But eventually Ryo falls asleep and my gaze turns to the piece of paper still in my husband’s hand.His eyes are a bit glazed, his thoughts outside of this room, but when I shift on his lap to get a better look at the words, he turns to me. I duck my head immediately, remembering how Father would always chastise me forbeing nosy.
“It’s a list of the capos coming to dinner tonight,” he says, offering the paper to me.
I glance at him, then the sheet. “You’ve been looking at it for a long time,” I tease. “And here I was thinking you already had their names memorized.”
He chuckles, but it’s without the warmth he normally gives me.
My stomach starts to sink, the hairs on my arms rising. Ihold Ryo tighter to me as I wait for him to speak.
