Page 8 of A Dream of Stars and Curses

‘No, but I don’t think it matters.’ There’s one name I keep coming back to. Maybe I’ll have another look at that one. ‘There are so many, I’m not convinced the list ever ends.’

Bonnie giggles. ‘You could ask Leverett for a recommendation. I bet he’d have an idea.’

The idea crossed my mind, too, but would it seem too much like I walked into his shop only because I wanted an excuse to talk to him? That’s exactly what’s happening, but I don’t want it to feel like that. I want it to feel natural. Casual. Although...

Will it seem forced since I haven’t visited in a week? I don’t want him to think that I’m only coming by because Kate made me.

I’m shocked by how hard I’ve fallen for him, and how quickly. This isn’t like me.

‘You know,’ Bonnie starts, ‘when he picked you up and carried you upstairs, he looked so gentle with you. Like you are the most precious thing to him.’

I blush and swallow the awkward lump in my throat.

‘I doubt that was it,’ I say. ‘I mean, we were both tired, right? You and me? Maybe you imagined it.’

Bonnie raises an eyebrow. ‘Nu-uh, I don’t think so. Just talk to him, okay? He was a huge help with the Dreamcatcher. At the very least you should tell him how you’re doing.’

I swallow again, out of shame this time. She’s right. Leverett went out of his way to help me with the nightmares, and he’s answered every question about the Veiled and vampires I’ve asked him. And I’ve turned my back on him, or it feels like I have. He deserves better than that.

I’m itching to go right now, but if I do that it’ll definitely be awkward. If I find a deck first, it’ll give us something to talk about, and hopefully it’ll be fine from there.

I nod. ‘Yeah, I know. I’ll go. When are you going swimming with Sunitha?’

Bonnie beams at me. ‘She’s busy today and tomorrow, but we’ve made plans for two days from now.’ She gets up. ‘I’d better apologise to Lady, so I’ll leave you to your research. Is she downstairs?’

‘Passed out on the sofa.’ At least, I assume she’s sleeping. It never takes her long, and she seemed exhausted.

Bonnie leaves me to it, and I turn back to my laptop to see where she stopped scrolling. I don’t like the feel of the deck on the screen and next up is an oracle deck, but the one after that...

It’s all bright pinks and blues with golden highlights. Pastels or pinks in general aren’t my thing, but this deck... This deck, though. It’s absolutely stunning, and it feels comforting, like it’s reaching out. Like it’s offering. And it just so happens to be the deck whose name I kept thinking about.

I guess that means I’ve found the one.

I type the name into YouTube, then I open the shortest flick-through video. Every card is prettier than the last, and I get different feelings from all of them: Joy. Hope. Disaster. If I can read them like this, in two-second bursts, surely I’ll cope when they are mine? I can’t wait to hold them in my hands and take in every detail on every card. Maybe buying them for the pretty pictures isn’t the right way to do this, but I feel like they’re calling my name. Who am I to argue?

I’ve recently learned a hard lesson about getting carried away when I’m excited, though, so I put a little star next to the name in my notebook and close the laptop. If I still feel this strongly tomorrow, I’ll know this is my deck. It’s not like I need to buy it right now or it’ll be gone forever. And if I don’t feel like this anymore tomorrow, it’ll be a good thing that I waited.

I turn the page in my notebook and get lost in scrying and elemental research. I write down to ask Kate and Leverett for book recommendations. I make notes like the good student I want to be. All the while, I can’t get that tarot deck out of my head. I know waiting is the mature thing to do, and I have every intention of doing just that, but part of me has already decided.

And when I fall asleep that night, the last thing I think of is the beautiful colours and artwork, all other decks forgotten.

My dreamscape has become a whole new kind of nightmare, and I don’t know how to stop it.

I created this whole forest specifically for shadow work. The tree trunks and leaves are black, the canopies wide. The grass is a muted shade of yellow here. Golden light filters through the leaves. A slight breeze strokes through the forest, gently teasing my hair and caressing my skin. Bamboo and glass wind chimes ring through the trees, but besides that, it’s quiet. Honestly, it’s beautiful, if I do say so myself. It’s the kind of comfort and peace I need when I do shadow work. In here, it’s just me, my demons, and Mischief.

And today, visions of Leverett making me his in any number of ways.

Mischief keeps poking fun at me over it, and my unconscious keeps conjuring more visions despite my protests. Frankly, it’s hard to focus. I keep brushing the visions aside, but they don’t stay gone for long. While I can generally control my lucid dreams just fine, it’s still difficult to convince my unconscious to not do its thing, especially when my emotions and hormones are running so wild. Since I’m struggling to work through my feelings for Leverett when I’m awake, my unconscious is here to help me face my feelings while I’m dreaming. That’s why I’m in my shadow forest tonight: to help me get over him so I can at least think straight around him.

And maybe, if I’m lucky, it’ll stop my unconscious from creating Leveretts that throw themselves at me.

‘Maybe you should just get it over with,’ Mischief, my dream guide cat, says. ‘Isn’t that what dreams are there for?’

I frown at her. ‘You can’t be—’

‘Maybe sleeping with him here will get it out of your system. I won’t look, I promise.’

Okay, so, the thought had occurred to me—clearly, or Mischief wouldn’t have had it. She’s part of my unconscious and therefore has a talent for guiding me towards clarity. Of course, this also means that she knows my every thought and wish... which is usually a blessing since it helps us communicate, but with this, I really wish she didn’t.

---