Page 61 of A Dream of Stars and Curses

Bonnie wasn’t impressed when she arrived at Kate’s. I don’t think she blamed me but rather was disgruntled with the situation itself. No one wants to come home to find out they’ve been moved while they were out. I haven’t told her that the fire was probably my fault. It’s not that I’m trying to keep information from her, it’s just that she’s already so annoyed with it and I don’t want to make it worse. I’ll definitely tell her if an opportunity presents itself.

I really hope that’s not tonight. It’s Friday evening so it’s only been two days, but the tension between us, my anger with myself, and my pain over losing Leverett has made them the longest days I’ve ever experienced. Kate’s friend needs a little longer to come out and fix our door, too, so that probably doesn’t help her mood.

Kate has gone out to meet her friends, so it’s me, Bonnie, and our three dogs. Since Kate’s friends have so kindly agreed to help with so much of the damage and refuse to take a lot of money for it, we’re not quite as badly off as we first thought. The fire did a number on the stairs, but we got lucky and the ceiling above it wasn’t too affected. There are some char marks, but it’s not unstable or unsafe. The carpet is too burnt to keep, of course, and it looks like that’s what caught fire, which just about confirms my theory: the fire was my fault. How could I be so stupid? Fortunately, my pride took the worst hit. Every update Kate gave us of her friends offering to help made me realise how lucky we are. We are paying her friends, but we know we’re getting discounts, or at least it feels that way. Maybe it’s more that our local chain businesses are overpriced. Either way, I feel like we got off lightly.

Bonnie’s been annoyed with me this whole time. She blames it on her internship being demanding and exhausting, but I know it’s because of me. We haven’t really talked about it, but I know the fire is my fault, and clearly, she knows it too. So, tonight, we’re ordering in with a movie. Our last movie night didn’t count since Sunitha chose that time to break up with Bonnie, so we both need the casual evening. It won’t fix what I did, but hopefully it’ll smooth over this unpleasant mood at least a little.

Except the tension throughout the movie is killing me. Bonnie isn’t laughing at anything, and where we normally chat throughout, she’s quiet and short with me. We’ve barely talked about her internship or what happened with Leverett, either. I don’t particularly want to revisit the latter, but it isn’t like her to not be interested and supportive. She asked me once how it went, I told her, and she said ‘Oh. Sorry’ before shutting herself in the bathroom for a while. I hope I’m wrong and it really is just that her internship is being a bitch, because I’m getting tired of it. I know I deserve some kind of punishment for my stupidity, but this feels too harsh. I need my sister. Her own breakup with Sunitha wasn’t that long ago, so I’d have thought that she needs me, too.

‘Pause?’

I blink and do as she says. ‘What is it?’ The movie isn’t at an exciting moment, but I’m happy that she wants to talk about it. Maybe I misread the tension and she really is just tired.

Bonnie gives me a look like I’m dumb. ‘It’s your turn to feed the dogs tonight?’

I glance at my phone. Damn, it’s feeding time.

‘So it is.’ I sigh and get up. The moment I twitch one toe, all three dogs swarm around me, tails wagging and eyes hopeful. ‘Come on, then.’

I hate that I feel more drained from watching the movie. Even the pizza I ordered barely tasted of anything. Our movie nights aren’t supposed to be like this. They aren’t supposed to make things worse.

I feed the dogs, who waddle around me so closely that I can barely move. Bonnie is gone when I re-enter the room. We’re both sleeping in Kate’s living room, so it’s not like she’s gone upstairs to sleep. I sit on the sofa and wait. When I hear the toilet flush upstairs, I quickly grab my phone and swipe through the news—don’t want it to look like I was staring at the wall without her.

‘Shall we finish the movie?’ she asks, but there’s no energy in her voice.

‘We don’t have to,’ I say. ‘If you’re not enjoying it, I mean.’

She shrugs.

I swallow a sigh as I sink back into the sofa. I don’t want it to sound like I’m tired of her attitude, but I am. ‘What’s going on with you? You’ve been quiet lately. If anything’s worrying you—’

‘I told you, it’s the internship. It’s exhausting.’

It hurts that she cut me off. It hurts that it sounds like an excuse.

So I do something I’ve only ever done a small handful of times. I push.

‘And you’re being short with me because of it? How is it my fault?’

‘You can’t be—’ Bonnie sighs and stands. ‘I’m getting ready for bed. I need sleep.’

I resist the urge to jump to my feet and hurry after her. ‘I can’t be what? Did I do something?’

Bonnie rounds on me. ‘I’m just so tired of your attitude! All you’ve done since Leverett left you is mope through the house! You’re not the only one who just lost a partner, you know? It’s not all about you!’

I’m too stunned to reply. Bonnie takes a step back, like she isn’t sure where that came from, either. She doesn’t correct herself or apologise, though. Shocked as I am, I’m not entirely sure if she should take it back. Do I deserve this? Have I been inconsiderate?

Slowly, I shake my head like I’m trying to shake myself out of a bad dream. ‘I was there when Sunitha called you, wasn’t I? We sat together. You cried against me. I comforted you.’ Or am I remembering that wrong? ‘All you’ve done since I told you about Leverett is say “Oh. Sorry.” Which sounded super sincere, by the way.’

Bonnie huffs. ‘Please, do you really think you had a chance with him? Where did you see this going, exactly? I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to be with a human, or are you actually upset that he’s looking after his mental health?’

‘I—’

I have no idea where any of this is coming from or how to react to it. Is she right? Have I been that selfish? It’s not like I haven’t told myself the same thing. I can’t blame Leverett for not wanting to enter a relationship when he knows that I’ll die relatively soon. Compared to him, I mean. Distancing ourselves like this is kinder for both of us. But I never expected to hear Bonnie say it, or with so much spite.

‘How can you say that?’ I ask her. It hurts more than when Leverett said pretty much the same thing. I thought my sister and I would always have each other’s backs.

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