Page 47 of A Dream of Stars and Curses

As Bonnie starts her internship and I’m supposed to study as Kate asked, I try my everything to take my mind off Leverett. I tried to think about it like I promised, but I’m worried I might want him too badly to think clearly. I can’t think of anything that would make me like him less, or anything he’s said or done that might be a deal-breaker for me. I’ve never felt this seen or safe with someone. I know I can be unapologetically myself with him. And the way he kissed me... If I felt his lips just that once and never again... Is it possible to be addicted to another person? Every time I close my eyes, I see his face. I keep thinking his name. Just about every rational thought is chased away by him—his smile, the way his arms felt around me, the things he promised. Try as I might, I keep wondering how his arms will feel when we’re both naked, how his hands will feel, where else his lips might roam. I am utterly and completely obsessed with him.

Part of me feels stupid, like I’m a teenage girl with her first crush. Some of my logic seems to have survived, though, because I remind myself that this is what early relationships are like. Everything’s exciting, and I can’t stop thinking about him. Totally normal. It’s just that it’s been a while since anyone made me feel like this, and— Okay, fine. No one’s ever made me feel quite like this. I’ve been in love before and I’ve been in relationships before, but I’ve never lost my mind to someone like I have to Leverett. At this rate, I worry I’ll pass out the moment he slides a hand between my legs and inside me. Seems like something I’d do. Just the thought alone is almost too much. How am I supposed to cope with the real thing?

I try to blink the thought away and take a deep breath. Then another. I’m lying on my bed with my pretty new tarot cards, but it’s annoyingly hard to focus on them. Kate told me to go through the deck one card at a time, and that’s what I’m trying to do. Some I immediately get a feel for, like The Star and The Lovers—it seems impossible not to understand the latter—but others I struggle with, like Temperance. I’m also surprised by how beautiful Death is. I always thought of it as a negative card, but the one in this deck is full of hope instead. It’s like a comforting satin blanket that tells me that every end is a new beginning, too. I’ve stared at it for two minutes now, taking in every detail, and I think I may be a little in love with it. It’s one of my favourite cards in the whole deck, which I haven’t even seen half of.

That’s my brief reprieve from thinking about Leverett. The closer I get to Wednesday, the harder it becomes.

I blush fiercely when a teasing voice in my head wonders if he’s getting harder the closer we get, too.

My phone buzzes, and I jump hard enough for the cards to shift on my duvet. For a second, I worry it’s Leverett, because I’m not sure I remember how to talk, but it’s Eloise. My manager.

I pick up with confusion crinkling my forehead. ‘Hello?’

‘Hello, Esta. I hope you’re well?’

I tense. Eloise hates small talk, and she never calls me when I’m off.

‘Did something happen?’ I ask.

She pauses a moment. I picture her taking a deep breath.

‘I’m sorry to have to do this on your summer break, but we’ve had word from management today that there will be redundancies. While it’s unlikely this will affect you, I have a duty to inform all staff.’

My mouth goes dry. It’s easy to forget in our little gallery that there are managers above Eloise. This’ll likely be university-wide. I know she’s right—I’m very far down the chain, so making me redundant wouldn’t save the university that much; therefore, it’s unlikely I’ll lose my job. Then again...

What if I lose my job?

I take a deep breath myself and focus on how unlikely that is.

‘Esta?’

‘Sorry. Still here.’ My hand shakes a little when I ask, ‘Will you be okay?’

In her role as manager, Eloise is much more at risk. Whoever they’d replace her with, I doubt we’d have the same easy relationship. It’s hard to imagine my gallery without her in it.

‘I don’t know yet. We’ve been told that we’ll be contacted over the coming week. Again, you have nothing to worry about, Esta. I have to tell everyone in the gallery. This doesn’t mean you’ll lose your job, alright?’

I nod but then remember that she can’t see it. I’m more worried about her now than about myself. If someone else came in to take her place... How would that change the whole gallery dynamic?

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