Page 56 of A Dream of Stars and Curses

I remind myself to breathe. Every step towards his shop feels heavy, like part of my brain hasn’t accepted that this is really happening. It’s honestly weird how weird it feels. After the last few days, this seems too good to be true. I shake off the doubt. Leverett invited me over. He knows I’m on my way.

So why is this heavy feeling in my gut there? Maybe because we arranged it in advance. It’s not quite the spontaneous passionate moment I imagined, but more like an appointment. It’s not how I thought we’d do this, and I had many ideas about that. This wasn’t on the list.

I’m shaking when I reach his shop. Maybe we should wait, go on another date first or something. As much as I want him and to be his, I’m not sure I want it like this.

As usual, Leverett is reading behind the counter when I enter. He smiles when he sees me and stands, but he looks reserved, too. So at least I won’t be destroying his expectations.

‘Hey.’

‘I was wondering when you’d be here,’ he says. ‘Shall we talk upstairs?’

Now that I’m here and talking to him, I feel differently again. Maybe I’d be okay if he dragged me to his bed as soon as we’re upstairs.

I nod and follow him upstairs. Change my mind yet again. This feels too much like a meeting. He didn’t even turn the sign over in the door, so he’s not expecting to be away for long.

‘Please, have a seat,’ Leverett says.

I sit on my usual sofa. He doesn’t sit next to me but in his arm chair. Every second I’m here, this feels more like a scheduled business meeting. Colder.

‘Have you considered what we talked about?’ Something about him doesn’t sound quite right, like he’s choosing his words too carefully. It puts me more on edge than the dream did. I mentally prepare myself for what’s coming.

‘I did,’ I say. ‘Nothing’s changed.’

I try a light smile. He does return it, but there’s something else in his eyes, too. They still darken when he looks at me, but there’s also... regret, maybe?

I want to tell him that I want to be his, that I want to be with him and make him happy every day of my life, but I don’t know how to put any of that into words. I’ve never been great with emotional talk like that. What if I say it and it all sounds stupid or cheesy or cliché? I don’t know how to make it sound good.

‘I see,’ he finally says.

Not the reaction I was hoping for.

‘Did I tell you how old I am?’

I blink. Also not what I was expecting. I nearly asked him his age when he first introduced himself as a vampire, but I remembered my manners in time. Leverett didn’t bring it up himself, though he mentioned the witch hunt.

‘I didn’t want to ask,’ I say. ‘It seemed rude.’

‘I’m 419 years old. I’ve seen a lot of people come and go in that time. Most of the Veiled are still around, some visit from time to time, but we aren’t eternal, even if it may seem that way to you humans. The longer you live, the more you lose.

‘Young Veiled are taught to not get attached to humans. Sometimes we kill you by accident because we don’t yet realise how fragile you are. Most of the time, we simply outlive you, and your children, and your children’s children. We don’t always succeed in not getting emotionally attached. Most of us take a rather philosophical stance and appreciate the time we have together, but that doesn’t mean...’ His eyes stare into the distance for a second before he focusses on me again. ‘That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Just being friends with a human is painful, all the more so when you spend their whole life without them knowing what you really are. You know some of it, and you’re still here. I’m grateful for that. But loving a human...’

I want to step in and say something, whatever it takes to comfort him and tell him I’m not going anywhere, but that would be a lie, wouldn’t it? I will go somewhere eventually. I’ll die.

And when I do, I’ll leave him with the heartbreak.

Chiara’s words echo in my head: You’re a human, silly girl. You’re nothing more than a temporary toy. It doesn’t matter that she spoke out of jealousy or hatred for all humanity, because that doesn’t change that she was right. Would that be enough? To just be a short-loved plaything he amuses himself with for a decade or two before moving on to someone else? I don’t think he’d actually see me like that, but... Would it be kinder? I could be with him, albeit shortly, and he might move on without the pain.

But even as I think it, I know it’s not enough. It’s incredibly selfish of me, but wouldn’t that kind of heartbreak be a good thing? I don’t want to die knowing that he’s already forgotten about me, like I was nothing. I want to die knowing that our years together meant something to him, too. If I can’t have that...

The first tears shoot into my eyes, but I blink them away. I will not cry. Not in front of him.

‘I understand,’ I say. And really, I should have seen this coming, too. At the very least I should have prepared for the possibility better.

‘I’m sorry,’ Leverett says. ‘I can’t love a human.’

His words are like ice on my soul. That’s exactly what he said in the dream. What if this isn’t just a spooky coincidence? What if the other things come true, too? I’m half-ready to bury myself in that obsession if it means I don’t have to feel his rejection.

I nod, my head heavy on my sagging shoulders. I want to keep a straight back, but it seems my body has other ideas.

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